Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
One strand of DNA, to another: "Do these genes make me look fat?"
Hear about the cannibal who arrived way late to a catered affair? His hosts gave him the cold shoulder.
Job interviewers are looking for responsible people, so I give 'em the local sheriff as a referral. He insists I'm responsible for everything.
A cop pulls over a weaving sedan. The driver immediately stumbles out and falls flat on his face.
"Look at you!" the patrolman scolds. "You're so damn drunk you can't even walk!"
"No shit!" the driver indignantly replies. "Why do you think I took the car?"
Donald Trump may already be regretting his VP choice. He was overheard at a fundraiser picnic declaring, "I wanna take off Mike Pence and go Newt."
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant. How wrong I was... it only changed the baby's color.
Pavlov's dogs ended up extra fluffy. Shows you the value of a good conditioner.
When ISIS is finally eradicated, will history remember it as WASWAS?
My wife accused me of being immature. That's the last time I let her inside my pillow fort!
The old general had the heart of a lion. He earned himself a permanent ban at the wildlife park, too.
Van Gogh was wise to become a painter. He had no ear for music.
My girlfriend's father got drunk and accused me of being a pedophile... all because she's 22 and I'm 36! It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary!
ER nurse: We're losing this patient! Does anyone have any idea what we should do next?
Voice from the back: How about 50 cc's of ice-cold, refreshing beverage?
ER nurse: Damn it! Not now, Dr. Pepper!
It gets hotter than hell in a stadium when the concert's over... entirely to be expected once all the fans are gone.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: I've said it before.
A famous porn star had to postpone one of her films to take care of family-related business. It was a leave of abstinence.
"Women should stay in the kitchen"... what a primitive sentiment! How the hell can they clean the rest of the house if they're stuck in the kitchen?
It's funny how little people change. Well, it's not that much different really, except for the tiny clothes.
Nuclear physicists have their own social movement: Half-lives Matter.
There's a stairway to heaven, but a highway to hell. Infernal transportation systems had to upgrade radically to accommodate increased traffic.
Arctic etiquette: never send an Eskimo family a house-warming gift.
Prosecuting attorney: The defendant is clearly guilty of stealing the victim's monocle.
Defense attorney: I object, your honor.
Judge: Quiet! I know what a damned monocle is!
* * *
Hear about the cannibal who arrived way late to a catered affair? His hosts gave him the cold shoulder.
* * *
Job interviewers are looking for responsible people, so I give 'em the local sheriff as a referral. He insists I'm responsible for everything.
* * *
A cop pulls over a weaving sedan. The driver immediately stumbles out and falls flat on his face.
"Look at you!" the patrolman scolds. "You're so damn drunk you can't even walk!"
"No shit!" the driver indignantly replies. "Why do you think I took the car?"
* * *
Donald Trump may already be regretting his VP choice. He was overheard at a fundraiser picnic declaring, "I wanna take off Mike Pence and go Newt."
* * *
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant. How wrong I was... it only changed the baby's color.
* * *
Pavlov's dogs ended up extra fluffy. Shows you the value of a good conditioner.
* * *
When ISIS is finally eradicated, will history remember it as WASWAS?
* * *
My wife accused me of being immature. That's the last time I let her inside my pillow fort!
* * *
The old general had the heart of a lion. He earned himself a permanent ban at the wildlife park, too.
* * *
Van Gogh was wise to become a painter. He had no ear for music.
* * *
My girlfriend's father got drunk and accused me of being a pedophile... all because she's 22 and I'm 36! It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary!
* * *
ER nurse: We're losing this patient! Does anyone have any idea what we should do next?
Voice from the back: How about 50 cc's of ice-cold, refreshing beverage?
ER nurse: Damn it! Not now, Dr. Pepper!
* * *
It gets hotter than hell in a stadium when the concert's over... entirely to be expected once all the fans are gone.
* * *
I've said it before and I'll say it again: I've said it before.
* * *
A famous porn star had to postpone one of her films to take care of family-related business. It was a leave of abstinence.
* * *
"Women should stay in the kitchen"... what a primitive sentiment! How the hell can they clean the rest of the house if they're stuck in the kitchen?
* * *
It's funny how little people change. Well, it's not that much different really, except for the tiny clothes.
* * *
Nuclear physicists have their own social movement: Half-lives Matter.
* * *
There's a stairway to heaven, but a highway to hell. Infernal transportation systems had to upgrade radically to accommodate increased traffic.
* * *
Arctic etiquette: never send an Eskimo family a house-warming gift.
* * *
Prosecuting attorney: The defendant is clearly guilty of stealing the victim's monocle.
Defense attorney: I object, your honor.
Judge: Quiet! I know what a damned monocle is!
