Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Securing a notice with a pushpin may seem like innocuous activity, but to the paper its just another form of a tack.
The elevator at my jobsite is out of order, so I took the stairs when I headed home. In retrospect, it was a pretty thoughtless prank; the rest of the workers were stuck on the top floor overnight.
In the 1500s, a Spanish ship carrying looted Aztec treasure sank in the Gulf of Mexico. Instead of gold, this galleon was stuffed to the gills with fabulous tempered glass ornaments; fortune hunters ever since have sought out the Pyrex of the Caribbean.
If you take good care denim work clothes, they can last for generations. I wear the same pants my father did; he, in turn, got them from his father. Toughness like this runs in our jeans.
Chiropractic: the only profession where it's legal to proscribe crack.
Today I met the oldest Irishman on the planet. I don't remember his full name... it was something or other O'Saurus.
Q: How many people don't know the difference between "to" and "too"?
A: Two damn many.
I wrote out the world's funniest joke in Alpha-Bits, but before I could show it to anyone, my young son came along and ate the whole thing. I should be furious, but I'm not... it was all ingest.
Cosmetic procedures used to be frowned on. However, with increased use of Botox injections, no one even raises an eyebrow!
We now have positive proof that the Earth isn't flat. If it was, cats would have pushed everything off the edge by now.
Q: Why did the Mormon cross the road?
A: To get to the other bride.
I was going through letters from my great, great grandfather and discovered that he'd actually met Vincent Van Gogh! Evidently the great artist had very poor social skills... he only listened to half of what you said.
"Sis, can you take me to the liquor store? Jim and me like cocktails when he gets home from work."
"You want to leave the house in the middle of the day? What about the baby?"
"Don't be ridiculous! He's way too young to drive!"
I told my doctor that cucumbers make me belch. He told me I was probably shoving them up too far.
The Black Widow character didn't die during "Avengers Endgame"... she just went roamin' off.
My uncle used to own a bar downtown and was crushed to death when several cases of Budweiser collapsed on him in the storeroom. His patrons might have rescued him, but when he hollered "The beer's on me!", a huge party broke out.
A suicide bomber dies and goes to the afterlife, where he is greeted by a Heavenly attendant.
"Welcome!" the attendant states warmly. "This way, please... 99 horny virgins are waiting for you!"
"Ha!" the bomber crows. "I knew it! Bring on the women!"
"Women?" the attendant replies. "Who said anything about women?"
I got written up at work and now have to take sexual harassment training! This is a complete waste of time! I already know how to do it perfectly!
Captain Hook, during his breakup with Tinkerbell: "It's not you... it's Smee."
I live out in the country where you'd expect nothing but healthy, pristine conditions. However, a milk producing plant just went in next door and you should cop the stink! There's no smell as foul as that of the dairy air!
Once upon a time, there were two rabbits. But that didn't last long...
A rich oil sheik sends his son to a university in France. Money is no object, of course, so he make sure the boy has the latest, flashiest Mercedes sports car.
During one of their phone conversations, he asks the lad if the Mercedes has impressed all his friends.
"Not really, father," the boy replies. "All of them travel by train."
"I don't want you to embarrass me, son!" the sheik fumes. "Better buy yourself a train too!"
* * *
The elevator at my jobsite is out of order, so I took the stairs when I headed home. In retrospect, it was a pretty thoughtless prank; the rest of the workers were stuck on the top floor overnight.
* * *
In the 1500s, a Spanish ship carrying looted Aztec treasure sank in the Gulf of Mexico. Instead of gold, this galleon was stuffed to the gills with fabulous tempered glass ornaments; fortune hunters ever since have sought out the Pyrex of the Caribbean.
* * *
If you take good care denim work clothes, they can last for generations. I wear the same pants my father did; he, in turn, got them from his father. Toughness like this runs in our jeans.
* * *
Chiropractic: the only profession where it's legal to proscribe crack.
* * *
Today I met the oldest Irishman on the planet. I don't remember his full name... it was something or other O'Saurus.
* * *
Q: How many people don't know the difference between "to" and "too"?
A: Two damn many.
* * *
I wrote out the world's funniest joke in Alpha-Bits, but before I could show it to anyone, my young son came along and ate the whole thing. I should be furious, but I'm not... it was all ingest.
* * *
Cosmetic procedures used to be frowned on. However, with increased use of Botox injections, no one even raises an eyebrow!
* * *
We now have positive proof that the Earth isn't flat. If it was, cats would have pushed everything off the edge by now.
* * *
Q: Why did the Mormon cross the road?
A: To get to the other bride.
* * *
I was going through letters from my great, great grandfather and discovered that he'd actually met Vincent Van Gogh! Evidently the great artist had very poor social skills... he only listened to half of what you said.
* * *
"Sis, can you take me to the liquor store? Jim and me like cocktails when he gets home from work."
"You want to leave the house in the middle of the day? What about the baby?"
"Don't be ridiculous! He's way too young to drive!"
* * *
I told my doctor that cucumbers make me belch. He told me I was probably shoving them up too far.
* * *
The Black Widow character didn't die during "Avengers Endgame"... she just went roamin' off.
* * *
My uncle used to own a bar downtown and was crushed to death when several cases of Budweiser collapsed on him in the storeroom. His patrons might have rescued him, but when he hollered "The beer's on me!", a huge party broke out.
* * *
A suicide bomber dies and goes to the afterlife, where he is greeted by a Heavenly attendant.
"Welcome!" the attendant states warmly. "This way, please... 99 horny virgins are waiting for you!"
"Ha!" the bomber crows. "I knew it! Bring on the women!"
"Women?" the attendant replies. "Who said anything about women?"
* * *
I got written up at work and now have to take sexual harassment training! This is a complete waste of time! I already know how to do it perfectly!
* * *
Captain Hook, during his breakup with Tinkerbell: "It's not you... it's Smee."
* * *
I live out in the country where you'd expect nothing but healthy, pristine conditions. However, a milk producing plant just went in next door and you should cop the stink! There's no smell as foul as that of the dairy air!
* * *
Once upon a time, there were two rabbits. But that didn't last long...
* * *
A rich oil sheik sends his son to a university in France. Money is no object, of course, so he make sure the boy has the latest, flashiest Mercedes sports car.
During one of their phone conversations, he asks the lad if the Mercedes has impressed all his friends.
"Not really, father," the boy replies. "All of them travel by train."
"I don't want you to embarrass me, son!" the sheik fumes. "Better buy yourself a train too!"
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