Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
My girlfriend and I have taken up mountain climbing, but she's not very good at it. She's managed to lose her grip a couple of times every trip and winds up dangling from my line until she can grab hold the rockface again. It's created a lot of tension between us; I've seriously considered severing our relationship.
Q: If a wrongdoer is charged with battery, where should he be held?
A: In a dry cell.
I clicked on a website and a notice came up stating that I had to accept cookies. Sounded great to me! I hope they send macaroons!
Steel drums were created from existing percussion instruments. It's a cymbalic innovation.
After all the trouble I've had with that furniture company, I'm relieved to learn they're closing down. I just got a letter from them marked "Final Notice".
Did you know George Washington's butler also had false teeth? He was an indentured servant.
You won't find a stronger supporter of the War on Drugs than me... every time I see heroin, I shoot it.
If a loose neighbor lady comes to your door to borrow groceries, never give her any of your peas. She may feel obligated to give you herpes.
It cost me 5000 bucks to get braces for my teeth; I'm finally putting my money where my mouth is.
Restaurant customer: "Waitress, can I ask a question about the menu, please?"
Waitress: "Sir, the men I please are no one else's business."
Q: How come watermelons are so full of water?
A: Because farmers plant them in the spring.
Sphinx: "What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three legs in the evening?"
Oedipus: "Anybody still living in Pripyat."
My wife is having a period. My sister isn't
Dr. Pepper began his education studying the structure of life forms. His career counselor misunderstood when he said he wanted to be a fizzyologist.
There is no such thing as "shark-infested water". The sharks belong in it... they're the ones cleaning up the human-infested water.
Judge: "Bailiff, kindly swear in the next witness."
Bailiff: "Get the fuck in here, asshole!"
No ancient Greek suitors were attracted to Medusa for long. She had a habit of objectifying them.
Q: What does one orphan say to another orphan?
A: "To the Batmobile, Robin!"
I entered my dog Rex in an Ugliest of Breed contest and won first place! Poor Rex is very disheartened; he didn't even qualify.
Blonde: "I wanna register to vote."
Clerk: "Sure. First, tell me your birth date."
Blonde: "June 10th."
Clerk: What year?"
Blonde: "Every year!"
My wife and I have a serious difference of opinion. I say it's perfectly okay to pee in the tub, she violently disagrees. My point is that all the liquids all go to the same place anyway; she argues that I should at least wait until she's finished bathing.
Patient: "Well doctor, what shape am I in?"
Doctor: "Ma'am, it looks like you're pregnant."
Patient: "But... but that's ridiculous! I haven't had sex in over two years!"
Doctor: "That's probably because you look like you're pregnant."
* * *
Q: If a wrongdoer is charged with battery, where should he be held?
A: In a dry cell.
* * *
I clicked on a website and a notice came up stating that I had to accept cookies. Sounded great to me! I hope they send macaroons!
* * *
Steel drums were created from existing percussion instruments. It's a cymbalic innovation.
* * *
After all the trouble I've had with that furniture company, I'm relieved to learn they're closing down. I just got a letter from them marked "Final Notice".
* * *
Did you know George Washington's butler also had false teeth? He was an indentured servant.
* * *
You won't find a stronger supporter of the War on Drugs than me... every time I see heroin, I shoot it.
* * *
If a loose neighbor lady comes to your door to borrow groceries, never give her any of your peas. She may feel obligated to give you herpes.
* * *
It cost me 5000 bucks to get braces for my teeth; I'm finally putting my money where my mouth is.
* * *
Restaurant customer: "Waitress, can I ask a question about the menu, please?"
Waitress: "Sir, the men I please are no one else's business."
* * *
Q: How come watermelons are so full of water?
A: Because farmers plant them in the spring.
* * *
Sphinx: "What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three legs in the evening?"
Oedipus: "Anybody still living in Pripyat."
* * *
My wife is having a period. My sister isn't
* * *
Dr. Pepper began his education studying the structure of life forms. His career counselor misunderstood when he said he wanted to be a fizzyologist.
* * *
There is no such thing as "shark-infested water". The sharks belong in it... they're the ones cleaning up the human-infested water.
* * *
Judge: "Bailiff, kindly swear in the next witness."
Bailiff: "Get the fuck in here, asshole!"
* * *
No ancient Greek suitors were attracted to Medusa for long. She had a habit of objectifying them.
* * *
Q: What does one orphan say to another orphan?
A: "To the Batmobile, Robin!"
* * *
I entered my dog Rex in an Ugliest of Breed contest and won first place! Poor Rex is very disheartened; he didn't even qualify.
* * *
Blonde: "I wanna register to vote."
Clerk: "Sure. First, tell me your birth date."
Blonde: "June 10th."
Clerk: What year?"
Blonde: "Every year!"
* * *
My wife and I have a serious difference of opinion. I say it's perfectly okay to pee in the tub, she violently disagrees. My point is that all the liquids all go to the same place anyway; she argues that I should at least wait until she's finished bathing.
* * *
Patient: "Well doctor, what shape am I in?"
Doctor: "Ma'am, it looks like you're pregnant."
Patient: "But... but that's ridiculous! I haven't had sex in over two years!"
Doctor: "That's probably because you look like you're pregnant."
