Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Mary Jane has forced Peter Parker to get out of the superhero racket and take up pest control. He's unusually qualified for the job... he can tell instantly how many tarantulas or black widows are inside any given building. All he has to do is check his spider census.
The Bronx Zoo is eager to get one of it's endangered male mountain gorillas together with a female gorilla at the San Diego Zoo. According to officials, they're prime mates.
It's been said that drinking beer produces imbecility from dead brain cells, but I'm not so sure. I've also heard that Anheiser-Busch makes Bud wiser.
Support your local bars... they're what separate us from the animals.
Men traditionally give women chocolates. These treats were designed for the ladies... the pronouns most closely associated with them have always been "her" and "she".
I have no problem at all with gay marriage. If a gay man wants to marry a gay woman, I say why not!
Zookeeper: "Here we have the most unique animal in our collection: a possum that cannot pee."
Little Jimmy: "Man, that's awesome!"
I know every single digit of pi. I just don't know them in the right order.
Q: What was the battle anthem of the Ottoman troops when they attacked the Russians during the 1853 Danube Campaign?
A: "Crimea River!"
My dad went off on my sister for telling him she wanted to be a horsewoman. I haven't seen either of them since he rode her into the sunset.
The pastry chef's lemon pie has come back from the dead! It's a boo meringue!
I used to be insufferably conceited. Fortunately, I've striven to gain humility lately; as a result, I've now become perfect.
I've discovered how to convert mammals into insects. It's deceptively easy... simply cut the ear off a bear. What you have leftover is a bee.
Most of my appliances are merely adequate. They come from the Satis factory.
Patient: "Doctor, can I really trust you to do this delicate spinal cord surgery?"
Doctor: "Don't worry, son. I've got your back."
That Pavlov experiment succeeded beyond expectations! Even after all his dogs had died, he continued to fill the bowls every time he heard a bell.
Larry Talbot was painfully conscious of his terrible condition: he was awarewolf.
Scientists dismiss the existence of a Russian abominable snowman. You know the one I'm talking about: the nyeti.
"Waiter, do you have frogs legs?"
"Why yes indeed, sir!"
"Great! Hop on into the kitchen and grab me a steak."
He: "How about we vacation in a place where the waving wheat can sure smell sweet?"
She: "I guess that would be OK."
"I can't think of anything cooler than going to the beach on the Fourth of July!"
"I can: going to the beach at Christmas."
A secretary sees the company's CEO standing next to the paper shredder with a document.
"I don't know anything at all about this darned machine!" he fumes. "Can you make it work?"
Swiftly and efficiently, the secretary hits the "on" button, then feeds each page into the slot.
"That's more like it!" her boss beams. "Now print me out ten copies."
* * *
The Bronx Zoo is eager to get one of it's endangered male mountain gorillas together with a female gorilla at the San Diego Zoo. According to officials, they're prime mates.
* * *
It's been said that drinking beer produces imbecility from dead brain cells, but I'm not so sure. I've also heard that Anheiser-Busch makes Bud wiser.
* * *
Support your local bars... they're what separate us from the animals.
* * *
Men traditionally give women chocolates. These treats were designed for the ladies... the pronouns most closely associated with them have always been "her" and "she".
* * *
I have no problem at all with gay marriage. If a gay man wants to marry a gay woman, I say why not!
* * *
Zookeeper: "Here we have the most unique animal in our collection: a possum that cannot pee."
Little Jimmy: "Man, that's awesome!"
* * *
I know every single digit of pi. I just don't know them in the right order.
* * *
Q: What was the battle anthem of the Ottoman troops when they attacked the Russians during the 1853 Danube Campaign?
A: "Crimea River!"
* * *
My dad went off on my sister for telling him she wanted to be a horsewoman. I haven't seen either of them since he rode her into the sunset.
* * *
The pastry chef's lemon pie has come back from the dead! It's a boo meringue!
* * *
I used to be insufferably conceited. Fortunately, I've striven to gain humility lately; as a result, I've now become perfect.
* * *
I've discovered how to convert mammals into insects. It's deceptively easy... simply cut the ear off a bear. What you have leftover is a bee.
* * *
Most of my appliances are merely adequate. They come from the Satis factory.
* * *
Patient: "Doctor, can I really trust you to do this delicate spinal cord surgery?"
Doctor: "Don't worry, son. I've got your back."
* * *
That Pavlov experiment succeeded beyond expectations! Even after all his dogs had died, he continued to fill the bowls every time he heard a bell.
* * *
Larry Talbot was painfully conscious of his terrible condition: he was awarewolf.
* * *
Scientists dismiss the existence of a Russian abominable snowman. You know the one I'm talking about: the nyeti.
* * *
"Waiter, do you have frogs legs?"
"Why yes indeed, sir!"
"Great! Hop on into the kitchen and grab me a steak."
* * *
He: "How about we vacation in a place where the waving wheat can sure smell sweet?"
She: "I guess that would be OK."
* * *
"I can't think of anything cooler than going to the beach on the Fourth of July!"
"I can: going to the beach at Christmas."
* * *
A secretary sees the company's CEO standing next to the paper shredder with a document.
"I don't know anything at all about this darned machine!" he fumes. "Can you make it work?"
Swiftly and efficiently, the secretary hits the "on" button, then feeds each page into the slot.
"That's more like it!" her boss beams. "Now print me out ten copies."
