Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
My dad was afraid that my obsession with antiques would turn me gay. He needn't have worried; the most it's done is make me buy curios.
Brunette: "I'm taking requests. Any of you have a particular piano piece you'd like me to play?"
Blonde: "Yeah. How about a tune by Beethoven?"
Brunette: "Okay. Which one?"
Blonde: "The one who wrote music, doofus!"
Throughout my career I've participated in many ancient digs. My colleagues look askance, but it falls within my training as a snarkeologist.
Take great care the first time you eat with false teeth. You might denture tongue.
My great granddad made the family fortune during the gold rush when he discovered a rich vein of ore and didn't tell anyone else about it until he'd completely exhausted it. Never one to burden strangers with his personal details, that old codger; he'd mined his own business.
A glass of beer enters a restaurant and orders a man.
"Sorry," replies the greeter. "We don't serve alcohol here."
My brother's in the navy. He works on an underwater vessel. Well, to be honest, it never really goes under water: it's always in the water, it just goes under the air.
If you thought the talent portion of that last debate was bad, just be thankful you missed the swimsuit competition!
I spent $5000 to attend culinary school; so far, all I've learned to make is a sauce from flour and butter. Mom said I'd roux the day!
Brunette: "Why do we keep eating at this place! It has the nastiest tasting food in the city!"
Blonde: "Yeah! And the portions are so small!"
Location may not be everything, but it's damned important. Like, never try to open a shop underneath a cat house... too much fucking overhead.
My girlfriend left me the very day I installed a swing in our bedroom. She has no time for anyone with sexual hang-ups.
You have to admire the British Empire: it takes real will power to monopolize all the spices from around the world, then never use them.
My wife is very straight-laced and refuses to have an orgasm unless the bedroom door is locked. Mark my words, one of these days I'm gonna get in there before she does!
Joan Crawford is now recognized as one of the world's worst parents. It's said she had extreme hanger management issues.
In my youth, I was a gifted child. My new parents soon had enough my nonsense and regifted me.
He: "Hey, lady, find everything you needed in the supermarket?"
She: "Yes. I don't believe I forgot anything."
He (throwing open his coat to flash her): "Really? Did you get anything like this?"
She: "No! Thanks for the reminder! I did neglect to pick up a few shrimps!"
My uncle had the most unusual job I can think of: he used to taste-test coins. Nickels, dimes, quarter, half-dollars, even dollar coins, he sampled them all; everything except for pennies. What a strange omission... didn't make a lick of cents.
It's no secret that Walt Disney intended his Disneyland park to be a reflection of small-town USA where he grew up. Legoland, however, had different aspirations: it strove to be the world's biggest block party.
I'm not greedy; I don't hope to win a billion dollars from the lottery. I'm not ever sure what I'd do with that much money. However, a couple of million would indeed be wife-changing!
I have a nightmare about growing old, that of being kept in a vegetative state by a machine as sustenance is pumped into my system from bottles. My son swore he'd never let that happen... he immediately sold my TV and poured out all my whisky.
Blonde: "So, how did your son's birthday party go?"
Brunette: "It was a complete disaster! The little brat broke practically every one of his gifts! The train set, the race car model, all his new baseball equipment: everything!"
Blonde: "Oh no! Not my present too!"
Brunette: "No. The sledge hammer you gave him was practically unscratched."
* * *
Brunette: "I'm taking requests. Any of you have a particular piano piece you'd like me to play?"
Blonde: "Yeah. How about a tune by Beethoven?"
Brunette: "Okay. Which one?"
Blonde: "The one who wrote music, doofus!"
* * *
Throughout my career I've participated in many ancient digs. My colleagues look askance, but it falls within my training as a snarkeologist.
* * *
Take great care the first time you eat with false teeth. You might denture tongue.
* * *
My great granddad made the family fortune during the gold rush when he discovered a rich vein of ore and didn't tell anyone else about it until he'd completely exhausted it. Never one to burden strangers with his personal details, that old codger; he'd mined his own business.
* * *
A glass of beer enters a restaurant and orders a man.
"Sorry," replies the greeter. "We don't serve alcohol here."
* * *
My brother's in the navy. He works on an underwater vessel. Well, to be honest, it never really goes under water: it's always in the water, it just goes under the air.
* * *
If you thought the talent portion of that last debate was bad, just be thankful you missed the swimsuit competition!
* * *
I spent $5000 to attend culinary school; so far, all I've learned to make is a sauce from flour and butter. Mom said I'd roux the day!
* * *
Brunette: "Why do we keep eating at this place! It has the nastiest tasting food in the city!"
Blonde: "Yeah! And the portions are so small!"
* * *
Location may not be everything, but it's damned important. Like, never try to open a shop underneath a cat house... too much fucking overhead.
* * *
My girlfriend left me the very day I installed a swing in our bedroom. She has no time for anyone with sexual hang-ups.
* * *
You have to admire the British Empire: it takes real will power to monopolize all the spices from around the world, then never use them.
* * *
My wife is very straight-laced and refuses to have an orgasm unless the bedroom door is locked. Mark my words, one of these days I'm gonna get in there before she does!
* * *
Joan Crawford is now recognized as one of the world's worst parents. It's said she had extreme hanger management issues.
* * *
In my youth, I was a gifted child. My new parents soon had enough my nonsense and regifted me.
* * *
He: "Hey, lady, find everything you needed in the supermarket?"
She: "Yes. I don't believe I forgot anything."
He (throwing open his coat to flash her): "Really? Did you get anything like this?"
She: "No! Thanks for the reminder! I did neglect to pick up a few shrimps!"
* * *
My uncle had the most unusual job I can think of: he used to taste-test coins. Nickels, dimes, quarter, half-dollars, even dollar coins, he sampled them all; everything except for pennies. What a strange omission... didn't make a lick of cents.
* * *
It's no secret that Walt Disney intended his Disneyland park to be a reflection of small-town USA where he grew up. Legoland, however, had different aspirations: it strove to be the world's biggest block party.
* * *
I'm not greedy; I don't hope to win a billion dollars from the lottery. I'm not ever sure what I'd do with that much money. However, a couple of million would indeed be wife-changing!
* * *
I have a nightmare about growing old, that of being kept in a vegetative state by a machine as sustenance is pumped into my system from bottles. My son swore he'd never let that happen... he immediately sold my TV and poured out all my whisky.
* * *
Blonde: "So, how did your son's birthday party go?"
Brunette: "It was a complete disaster! The little brat broke practically every one of his gifts! The train set, the race car model, all his new baseball equipment: everything!"
Blonde: "Oh no! Not my present too!"
Brunette: "No. The sledge hammer you gave him was practically unscratched."
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