Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
I see in the news headlines that our country is planning for a national immigration cap, and I must say I find that terribly disturbing. These people are already getting new work opportunities... is there some good reason we have to cloth them all too?
"Men are from Mars; women are from Venus."
"How about all them other genders?"
"Them? They come out of Uranus."
I had a raging foot fetish until I met a gal who gives the most amazing oral sex! I've since gone head over heels!
Professor: "The trilobite existed for eons, but finally became extinct. What caused that?"
Blond student: "Hungry predators! After a trillion bites, I'd be gone too!"
I bought a self-help book, "The Best Way to Capitalize on an Opportunity" and boy, was it ever a rip-off! I open it up and you know what I find? Just one line: "ON AN OPPORTUNITY"!
The American bison may have been absurdly fit and muscular, but that did stop hunters from all but wiping out his species. Sometimes, it just doesn't pay to be a buff fellow.
I don't know how much longer I can put up with my current girlfriend! I've never met anyone so immature! Like, every time I'm in the bathtub, she tries her very best to sink all my boats!
He: "Since the day I married you, you've fulfilled my wildest, kinkiest fantasies! Kama Sutra, golden showers, ménage à trois... I've gotta say, it's been a blast!"
She: "Glad you've enjoyed it. 'Cause it's about time we started thinking about kids."
He: "Hon... I'm never gonna be that kinky."
The USA is becoming so full of excess people, we need a place to store them. That's why we have a USB.
Inflation in the US is worse than ever! It's so bad in Hollywood, starlets are still wearing last year's breasts.
Spinal surgery must on the rise; I constantly hear about increased cut backs.
"Hear you got a new job!"
"Yeah, down at the topless bar. I work noon to midnight, helpin' the strippers change their costumes."
"What's the money like?"
"Fifty bucks a week."
"Fifty bucks? That's not very much!"
"It's all I could afford!"
A phone scammer called my gramma, threatening that he had all her passwords.
"Oh thank God!" she cried in delight. "Let me get a pen and some paper so you can tell me what they are!"
Q: The Statue of Liberty is a huge figure of a woman with a torch in one hand, given to the US by France in 1886. What does she stand for?
A: Because she's a statue. She can't bend her legs, so there's not way for her to sit down.
"I hear this new Tom Cruise film has a runtime of two and a half hours."
"Man, that's excessive! How long is the rest of the movie?"
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day.
Give a man fugu, and he'll eat for the rest of his life.
I went to Wienerschnitzel on July 4th for an Independence Day Hot Dog. It was delicious!
I went to Wienerschnitzel on July 5th... their Independence Day Old Hot Dog wasn't nearly as good.
Q: Get caught peeing in a swimming pool, and you'll be embarrassed. What's the result if you pee in a jacuzzi?
A: Urine hot water.
Redhead: "Trump and Biden are both crooks! Makes you long for the good ol' days."
Brunette: ""Man, what I wouldn't give for a politician who isn't guilty of something!"
Blonde: "Like Honest Abe Lincoln, you mean? He was always in a cent!"
Bum #1: "Tell the truth... if you saw a guy drop his wallet and when you checked, there was a million bucks inside... what would you do? Would you chase him down and give it back to him?"
Bum #2. "Only if he was poor."
I installed a skylight in a fourth floor apartment today. The costumer was happy, but the residents on the fifth floor were mighty pissed.
A small town grocery store was owned and operated by a very old man who was losing his eyesight. As a result, he had to put up with a lot of petty theft from the town kids who would pilfer treats. One day, a pair of young rapscallions entered and hungrily eyed the big display of cookies set up near the back wall. As they closed in for a five-finger discount, a voice sounded from behind them. It was the town priest.
"I know what you have in mind," he solemnly intoned, "but before you take that sinful step, let me remind you... God is watching." Whereupon, he wheeled and strode slowly back toward the church.
The boys stood silent for several seconds, thinking things over.
"So," said one of them at last, "what do we do now?"
"Let's snatch some peppermint sticks!" replied the other, jovially. "It'll be a cinch! God wont stop us! He's busy watching the cookies!"
* * *
"Men are from Mars; women are from Venus."
"How about all them other genders?"
"Them? They come out of Uranus."
* * *
I had a raging foot fetish until I met a gal who gives the most amazing oral sex! I've since gone head over heels!
* * *
Professor: "The trilobite existed for eons, but finally became extinct. What caused that?"
Blond student: "Hungry predators! After a trillion bites, I'd be gone too!"
* * *
I bought a self-help book, "The Best Way to Capitalize on an Opportunity" and boy, was it ever a rip-off! I open it up and you know what I find? Just one line: "ON AN OPPORTUNITY"!
* * *
The American bison may have been absurdly fit and muscular, but that did stop hunters from all but wiping out his species. Sometimes, it just doesn't pay to be a buff fellow.
* * *
I don't know how much longer I can put up with my current girlfriend! I've never met anyone so immature! Like, every time I'm in the bathtub, she tries her very best to sink all my boats!
* * *
He: "Since the day I married you, you've fulfilled my wildest, kinkiest fantasies! Kama Sutra, golden showers, ménage à trois... I've gotta say, it's been a blast!"
She: "Glad you've enjoyed it. 'Cause it's about time we started thinking about kids."
He: "Hon... I'm never gonna be that kinky."
* * *
The USA is becoming so full of excess people, we need a place to store them. That's why we have a USB.
* * *
Inflation in the US is worse than ever! It's so bad in Hollywood, starlets are still wearing last year's breasts.
* * *
Spinal surgery must on the rise; I constantly hear about increased cut backs.
* * *
"Hear you got a new job!"
"Yeah, down at the topless bar. I work noon to midnight, helpin' the strippers change their costumes."
"What's the money like?"
"Fifty bucks a week."
"Fifty bucks? That's not very much!"
"It's all I could afford!"
* * *
A phone scammer called my gramma, threatening that he had all her passwords.
"Oh thank God!" she cried in delight. "Let me get a pen and some paper so you can tell me what they are!"
* * *
Q: The Statue of Liberty is a huge figure of a woman with a torch in one hand, given to the US by France in 1886. What does she stand for?
A: Because she's a statue. She can't bend her legs, so there's not way for her to sit down.
* * *
"I hear this new Tom Cruise film has a runtime of two and a half hours."
"Man, that's excessive! How long is the rest of the movie?"
* * *
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day.
Give a man fugu, and he'll eat for the rest of his life.
* * *
I went to Wienerschnitzel on July 4th for an Independence Day Hot Dog. It was delicious!
I went to Wienerschnitzel on July 5th... their Independence Day Old Hot Dog wasn't nearly as good.
* * *
Q: Get caught peeing in a swimming pool, and you'll be embarrassed. What's the result if you pee in a jacuzzi?
A: Urine hot water.
* * *
Redhead: "Trump and Biden are both crooks! Makes you long for the good ol' days."
Brunette: ""Man, what I wouldn't give for a politician who isn't guilty of something!"
Blonde: "Like Honest Abe Lincoln, you mean? He was always in a cent!"
* * *
Bum #1: "Tell the truth... if you saw a guy drop his wallet and when you checked, there was a million bucks inside... what would you do? Would you chase him down and give it back to him?"
Bum #2. "Only if he was poor."
* * *
I installed a skylight in a fourth floor apartment today. The costumer was happy, but the residents on the fifth floor were mighty pissed.
* * *
A small town grocery store was owned and operated by a very old man who was losing his eyesight. As a result, he had to put up with a lot of petty theft from the town kids who would pilfer treats. One day, a pair of young rapscallions entered and hungrily eyed the big display of cookies set up near the back wall. As they closed in for a five-finger discount, a voice sounded from behind them. It was the town priest.
"I know what you have in mind," he solemnly intoned, "but before you take that sinful step, let me remind you... God is watching." Whereupon, he wheeled and strode slowly back toward the church.
The boys stood silent for several seconds, thinking things over.
"So," said one of them at last, "what do we do now?"
"Let's snatch some peppermint sticks!" replied the other, jovially. "It'll be a cinch! God wont stop us! He's busy watching the cookies!"
