Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Mom told me something startling today... evidently my dad's a virgin! Well I'll be a son of a bitch!
A man walks into a prosthetic limb store and orders an artificial elbow joint, an artificial forearm and an artificial wrist joint.
"Here they are, sir," the clerk replies. "Would you like a hand with that?"
I'd often wondered how antique wigs were constructed... imagine my surprise when I learned that an 18th century ancestor of mine was a wigmaker! Grandma actually has his old equipment in storage; it's a family hairloom.
Blonde: "Me and my sister went to the drive-in last night. What a ripoff! It cost us 80 bucks!"
Redhead: "You went to the drive-in? That's ridiculous! Neither one of you own a car!"
Blonde: "I know that! We had to take an Uber."
A shark can undoubtedly swim faster than I can. On the other hand, there's no way one could run faster than me. It's a toss-up, then... next triathalon, it's all up to the cycling.
Hear about the madman who ran over four swimmers with a canoe? It was a clear case of rowed rage.
My cousin got an MRI when he went to the hospital with severe stomach pain. Turns out his kid had fed him a dozen finishing nails while he was napping... fortunately, they're all out now.
Satan's favorite breakfast cereal: Sin o' Men... toast/crunch.
I went to visit my cousin last week and noticed something strange: in his fridge and in his pantry, all the condiment jars... the mustard, the catsup, the mayo... all were wrapped up and obscured with duct tape. It's a fair bet he's going bananas, but I got that from anonymous sauces.
Job interviewer: "Just one more question. I'd like to determine if you're an optimist or a pessimist. Do you consider this glass to be half empty or half full?"
Job applicant: "I consider that glass completely full."
Job interviewer: "Welcome to Frito-Lay, sir!"
The girl I've got a crush on sneezed last night and I automatically said "God bless you!" Fortunately, she's blond, so she didn't think I was anything more than a talking bush.
Q: A Mattel toy question: did Barbie and Ken ever come together?
A: No. Barbie came with Midge. She faked it with Ken.
That weight-loss website is no good at all! The first thing it told me was that I had to accept all cookies!
Cheeta the chimp was consumed with jealousy when Jane came to live in the treehouse with Tarzan. He'd always considered himself the prime mate.
Goku told me that Shenron is over 1,000 years old! Geez, no wonder everyone talks about his draggin' balls!
Two dogs are wandering the streets looking for a tree, when they happen on a line of parking meters.
"Damn!" growls the first. "Nothing but pay toilets!"
My sister brought home a new puppy and plans to take a few weeks off work to do some toilet training. It's the first chance she's had to use mutternity leave.
Ever tour a Victorian era orphanage? It's a grueling experience.
Business in our town's so lousy, I've been praying for a Zombie Apocalypse! I hear zombies are great consumers.
Q: Is anything ever worn beneath a Scotsman's kilt?
A: Not in the slightest. That's the advantage of not using abrasive underpants.
In Papua New Guinea, I learned the true meaning of trust: I let a cannibal girl give me a blow job.
I didn't tell a single knock-knock joke on Independence Day! Let freedom ring!
* * *
A man walks into a prosthetic limb store and orders an artificial elbow joint, an artificial forearm and an artificial wrist joint.
"Here they are, sir," the clerk replies. "Would you like a hand with that?"
* * *
I'd often wondered how antique wigs were constructed... imagine my surprise when I learned that an 18th century ancestor of mine was a wigmaker! Grandma actually has his old equipment in storage; it's a family hairloom.
* * *
Blonde: "Me and my sister went to the drive-in last night. What a ripoff! It cost us 80 bucks!"
Redhead: "You went to the drive-in? That's ridiculous! Neither one of you own a car!"
Blonde: "I know that! We had to take an Uber."
* * *
A shark can undoubtedly swim faster than I can. On the other hand, there's no way one could run faster than me. It's a toss-up, then... next triathalon, it's all up to the cycling.
* * *
Hear about the madman who ran over four swimmers with a canoe? It was a clear case of rowed rage.
* * *
My cousin got an MRI when he went to the hospital with severe stomach pain. Turns out his kid had fed him a dozen finishing nails while he was napping... fortunately, they're all out now.
* * *
Satan's favorite breakfast cereal: Sin o' Men... toast/crunch.
* * *
I went to visit my cousin last week and noticed something strange: in his fridge and in his pantry, all the condiment jars... the mustard, the catsup, the mayo... all were wrapped up and obscured with duct tape. It's a fair bet he's going bananas, but I got that from anonymous sauces.
* * *
Job interviewer: "Just one more question. I'd like to determine if you're an optimist or a pessimist. Do you consider this glass to be half empty or half full?"
Job applicant: "I consider that glass completely full."
Job interviewer: "Welcome to Frito-Lay, sir!"
* * *
The girl I've got a crush on sneezed last night and I automatically said "God bless you!" Fortunately, she's blond, so she didn't think I was anything more than a talking bush.
* * *
Q: A Mattel toy question: did Barbie and Ken ever come together?
A: No. Barbie came with Midge. She faked it with Ken.
* * *
That weight-loss website is no good at all! The first thing it told me was that I had to accept all cookies!
* * *
Cheeta the chimp was consumed with jealousy when Jane came to live in the treehouse with Tarzan. He'd always considered himself the prime mate.
* * *
Goku told me that Shenron is over 1,000 years old! Geez, no wonder everyone talks about his draggin' balls!
* * *
Two dogs are wandering the streets looking for a tree, when they happen on a line of parking meters.
"Damn!" growls the first. "Nothing but pay toilets!"
* * *
My sister brought home a new puppy and plans to take a few weeks off work to do some toilet training. It's the first chance she's had to use mutternity leave.
* * *
Ever tour a Victorian era orphanage? It's a grueling experience.
* * *
Business in our town's so lousy, I've been praying for a Zombie Apocalypse! I hear zombies are great consumers.
* * *
Q: Is anything ever worn beneath a Scotsman's kilt?
A: Not in the slightest. That's the advantage of not using abrasive underpants.
* * *
In Papua New Guinea, I learned the true meaning of trust: I let a cannibal girl give me a blow job.
* * *
I didn't tell a single knock-knock joke on Independence Day! Let freedom ring!
