Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Remember when David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear? A lot of people were stunned by that magical feat. Me, I didn't see the attraction.
To needle his Justice League partner, Batman spray-painted "Superman is Clark Kent!" on the side of a brick wall. So to get back at him, Superman spray-painted "Batman is Bruce Wayne!"... on the side of the Moon.
Guys, if you have feelings of inadequacy due to your penis size, let me assure you, you're not alone! Most women also think your dick's puny.
Q: How can you tell if your blond roommate has been using your vibrator?
A: Her teeth are all chipped.
My boss caught me play Legend of Zelda while on the job and I thought that might hurt my performance rating. Instead, it seems to have enhanced it! He now boasts that I'm Hylian efficient!
Cop: "You understand why I pulled you over, right? This is a school zone and you were going 50 miles an hour!"
Blonde: "That's stupid! I haven't even been out for an hour yet!"
After looking at my medical X-rays, my doctor fretted, "This is most confounding... these plates show your liver where your left lung should be, your left lung where your right kidney should be, your right kidney where your left kidney should be and your left kidney right alongside your heart. Son, you need to get organized!"
Barfly: "I gotta get plastered right now! What's the strongest alcohol you got?"
Barman: "Take a belt of this! Ol' Panther! It's guaranteed to get you hammered in no time!"
Barfly: "That's just talk! I want proof!"
If you have a pet bivalve with dyslexia, never upset it... make sure it remains clam.
Why would any guy ever get a vasectomy? Nothing ever comes of it!
I told my aunt that one of my college buddies called her a MILF. Must have pissed her off... she really wants to know which one.
God: "Okay, I've created just about every animal possible... but I still have dozens of tiny legs left over. How would you like them all?"
Centipede: "Yessss!"
Worm: "God... seriously?"
I'm a self-confessed smart ass who swears constantly; my sister says there's a special movie that's all about another guy just like me who used to go around dropping F-bombs. I think the title is "Effenheimer".
She: "Our sex life is boring. I want us to make love like they do in the movies!"
He: "Sounds great! I'll get a copy of 'Deep Throat' in case you haven't seen it!"
In my wildest dreams, I never believed my son could go so far, so fast! Now that the scale model's proved sound, I can start building the actual moon rocket!
With the transportation problem solved, I can travel to the moon and become its king! Not that my dynasty would last long... there is no air apparent.
Atheist: "Do you really believe Jonah was swallowed by a whale?"
Christian: "Yes I do."
Atheist: "How will you ever know that for sure?"
Christian: "When I get to Heaven, I'll ask him."
Atheist: "Yeah, and what if he isn't there?"
Christian: "Then you can ask him."
If your regular staff members go out on strike, don't hire a skeleton crew to fill in for them. These workers won't do their best for you... they have no skin in the game.
My sister really likes the guy she's currently dating. Tonight he'll be taking her out to dinner and a show, and she's spent the whole afternoon trying to figure the best way to thank him properly. That's what I call planning a head!
Wikipedia article: " 'Moby Dick' is an American novel about a giant white eel 100 feet long."
Editorial comment: "Cetacean needed."
I got myself a "Kamala in '24!" t-shirt... gods, what a mistake! So far, I've been insulted, spit on and assaulted! God knows what'll happen if I ever leave the White House!
Chief of Police: "So, you want to work as a detective, eh? Do you think you're smart enough to qualify?"
Blonde: "You bet I am! Ask me anything!"
Chief: "Okay. Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Blonde: "... uhhh... errr... ummm... "
Chief: "Tell you what; you think it over and when you believe you have the answer, come back and see me."
The blonde returns to her apartment.
Brunette: "Well, did you get the job?"
Blonde: "I'll say I did! Not only that, but I'm already working on a big murder case!"
* * *
To needle his Justice League partner, Batman spray-painted "Superman is Clark Kent!" on the side of a brick wall. So to get back at him, Superman spray-painted "Batman is Bruce Wayne!"... on the side of the Moon.
* * *
Guys, if you have feelings of inadequacy due to your penis size, let me assure you, you're not alone! Most women also think your dick's puny.
* * *
Q: How can you tell if your blond roommate has been using your vibrator?
A: Her teeth are all chipped.
* * *
My boss caught me play Legend of Zelda while on the job and I thought that might hurt my performance rating. Instead, it seems to have enhanced it! He now boasts that I'm Hylian efficient!
* * *
Cop: "You understand why I pulled you over, right? This is a school zone and you were going 50 miles an hour!"
Blonde: "That's stupid! I haven't even been out for an hour yet!"
* * *
After looking at my medical X-rays, my doctor fretted, "This is most confounding... these plates show your liver where your left lung should be, your left lung where your right kidney should be, your right kidney where your left kidney should be and your left kidney right alongside your heart. Son, you need to get organized!"
* * *
Barfly: "I gotta get plastered right now! What's the strongest alcohol you got?"
Barman: "Take a belt of this! Ol' Panther! It's guaranteed to get you hammered in no time!"
Barfly: "That's just talk! I want proof!"
* * *
If you have a pet bivalve with dyslexia, never upset it... make sure it remains clam.
* * *
Why would any guy ever get a vasectomy? Nothing ever comes of it!
* * *
I told my aunt that one of my college buddies called her a MILF. Must have pissed her off... she really wants to know which one.
* * *
God: "Okay, I've created just about every animal possible... but I still have dozens of tiny legs left over. How would you like them all?"
Centipede: "Yessss!"
Worm: "God... seriously?"
* * *
I'm a self-confessed smart ass who swears constantly; my sister says there's a special movie that's all about another guy just like me who used to go around dropping F-bombs. I think the title is "Effenheimer".
* * *
She: "Our sex life is boring. I want us to make love like they do in the movies!"
He: "Sounds great! I'll get a copy of 'Deep Throat' in case you haven't seen it!"
* * *
In my wildest dreams, I never believed my son could go so far, so fast! Now that the scale model's proved sound, I can start building the actual moon rocket!
* * *
With the transportation problem solved, I can travel to the moon and become its king! Not that my dynasty would last long... there is no air apparent.
* * *
Atheist: "Do you really believe Jonah was swallowed by a whale?"
Christian: "Yes I do."
Atheist: "How will you ever know that for sure?"
Christian: "When I get to Heaven, I'll ask him."
Atheist: "Yeah, and what if he isn't there?"
Christian: "Then you can ask him."
* * *
If your regular staff members go out on strike, don't hire a skeleton crew to fill in for them. These workers won't do their best for you... they have no skin in the game.
* * *
My sister really likes the guy she's currently dating. Tonight he'll be taking her out to dinner and a show, and she's spent the whole afternoon trying to figure the best way to thank him properly. That's what I call planning a head!
* * *
Wikipedia article: " 'Moby Dick' is an American novel about a giant white eel 100 feet long."
Editorial comment: "Cetacean needed."
* * *
I got myself a "Kamala in '24!" t-shirt... gods, what a mistake! So far, I've been insulted, spit on and assaulted! God knows what'll happen if I ever leave the White House!
* * *
Chief of Police: "So, you want to work as a detective, eh? Do you think you're smart enough to qualify?"
Blonde: "You bet I am! Ask me anything!"
Chief: "Okay. Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Blonde: "... uhhh... errr... ummm... "
Chief: "Tell you what; you think it over and when you believe you have the answer, come back and see me."
The blonde returns to her apartment.
Brunette: "Well, did you get the job?"
Blonde: "I'll say I did! Not only that, but I'm already working on a big murder case!"
