Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Wanna learn how to get kids off the streets? First step: back your car from on top of 'em.
My grandad was a world renowned linguist. His colleagues considered him an important figure of speech.
Racecar backwards is still racecar. Racecar sideways is what killed Paul Walker.
Ex-wife: "Ha! I knew you'd come crawling back to me!"
Ex-husband: "Miserable wench! Give me back my crutches!"
Must have been raining cats 'n' dogs last night... this morning the ground is covered in poodles.
The first electric gun just hit the market! It's called the Elon Musket.
My first girlfriend had a wooden leg. Our relationship was filled with conflict; I was forced to break it off.
My brain is getting awfully snooty... of my five senses, it bothers to acknowledge only four. Well, there's no accounting for taste.
Always use a mink-lined guitar in your concerts. You'll make a fur tune!
If it weren't for the Arabs, there'd never have been a 9/11. It would have been IX/XI.
My neighbor and I got into an awful fight over our competing flower beds. It went so badly for me, I started throwing sod at him; you could easily see I was losing ground.
If Adam and Eve had been Chinese, we'd still live in Eden. They would have eaten the snake instead of the apple.
Wife: "I'm leaving! You don't even look at me anymore; you're completely obsessed with that damned Transformer franchise!"
Husband: "Please don't go! I can change!"
I once wrote a kinky song for an S&M orgy. I was paid per verse.
Jesus looked really ripped before he died. He was practicing crossfit.
Yesterday I startled the mailman by coming to the door naked. It probably freaked him out more, though, to know that I'd found out where he lives.
Mario: "Hey waiter! I just'a spill minestrone in my lap!"
Waiter: "Would you like more napkins, Mr. Mario?"
Mario: "No, I wanna complain! There's'a soup in my fly!"
My wife griped that I was always too tired for sex, so I went to see the doctor. He told me to get into shape; he said that jogging 5 miles a day would save my marriage. And he was right: I came home after only 3 and caught him in bed with her.
My cousin Nicolas, after months of unemployment, finally landed himself a job emptying the change from gum-ball machines. Needless to say, he isn't nickeless anymore.
England: "To us, it's colour; to you, it's color. To us, it's flavour; to you, it's flavor. To us, it's neighbour; to you, it's neighbor. What's your bloody problem, US?"
United States: "Force of habit. Ever since the Revolution, we've been trying to get rid of U."
I'd never before seen an elephant sneeze! It really blew me away!
She: "Once we're married, I promise to stay right by your side throughout all your problems."
He: "But I've never had any problems!"
She: "We aren't married yet."
* * *
My grandad was a world renowned linguist. His colleagues considered him an important figure of speech.
* * *
Racecar backwards is still racecar. Racecar sideways is what killed Paul Walker.
* * *
Ex-wife: "Ha! I knew you'd come crawling back to me!"
Ex-husband: "Miserable wench! Give me back my crutches!"
* * *
Must have been raining cats 'n' dogs last night... this morning the ground is covered in poodles.
* * *
The first electric gun just hit the market! It's called the Elon Musket.
* * *
My first girlfriend had a wooden leg. Our relationship was filled with conflict; I was forced to break it off.
* * *
My brain is getting awfully snooty... of my five senses, it bothers to acknowledge only four. Well, there's no accounting for taste.
* * *
Always use a mink-lined guitar in your concerts. You'll make a fur tune!
* * *
If it weren't for the Arabs, there'd never have been a 9/11. It would have been IX/XI.
* * *
My neighbor and I got into an awful fight over our competing flower beds. It went so badly for me, I started throwing sod at him; you could easily see I was losing ground.
* * *
If Adam and Eve had been Chinese, we'd still live in Eden. They would have eaten the snake instead of the apple.
* * *
Wife: "I'm leaving! You don't even look at me anymore; you're completely obsessed with that damned Transformer franchise!"
Husband: "Please don't go! I can change!"
* * *
I once wrote a kinky song for an S&M orgy. I was paid per verse.
* * *
Jesus looked really ripped before he died. He was practicing crossfit.
* * *
Yesterday I startled the mailman by coming to the door naked. It probably freaked him out more, though, to know that I'd found out where he lives.
* * *
Mario: "Hey waiter! I just'a spill minestrone in my lap!"
Waiter: "Would you like more napkins, Mr. Mario?"
Mario: "No, I wanna complain! There's'a soup in my fly!"
* * *
My wife griped that I was always too tired for sex, so I went to see the doctor. He told me to get into shape; he said that jogging 5 miles a day would save my marriage. And he was right: I came home after only 3 and caught him in bed with her.
* * *
My cousin Nicolas, after months of unemployment, finally landed himself a job emptying the change from gum-ball machines. Needless to say, he isn't nickeless anymore.
* * *
England: "To us, it's colour; to you, it's color. To us, it's flavour; to you, it's flavor. To us, it's neighbour; to you, it's neighbor. What's your bloody problem, US?"
United States: "Force of habit. Ever since the Revolution, we've been trying to get rid of U."
* * *
I'd never before seen an elephant sneeze! It really blew me away!
* * *
She: "Once we're married, I promise to stay right by your side throughout all your problems."
He: "But I've never had any problems!"
She: "We aren't married yet."
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