Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Be grateful to people who wear glasses: they paid good money to see you.
I have no trouble being a vegetarian, but I absolutely refuse to become vegan! No way I'm getting up at 4:00 in the morning to milk almonds!
Vegans may not eat animals, but that doesn't mean they don't have a favorite animal. It's called a High Horse.
Plenty of disabled war vets have settled in our community and most of them visit the seashore on the weekends. I therefore thought it would be a great idea to market a rubber beach sandal specifically designed for the one-legged. Needless to say, it was a flop.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road only halfway?
A: She was sick to death of people telling this old joke and planned lay it on the line.
My daddy told me I'd have a hard life if I became a pimp, but somehow I've managed to make ends meet.
Q: Why is Olive Garden such a popular dating spot in Mississippi?
A: Because when you're there, you're family.
I'll stop at nothing to insure my wife remains happy. She wishes I'd go a bit further and actually do something.
Q: Will you ever see a crab sauntering gayly down the center of a city street?
A: No. It has to use the sidewalk.
My wife challenged me to think up a name for our baby daughter that evoked both land and sea. She said if came up with something unique, we'd use it no matter what! So, I called her Bluff.
Banana, to vibrator: "What are you shakin' for? She's gonna eat me!"
I know why Trump's hair always looks so bad... he never uses shampoo! The instructions on the bottle read, "Apply liberally".
Word is that Joe Biden is really enjoying his time in the top office. Imagine waking up every morning to learn that you're president!
Biden held an important meeting with his Cabinet today. He also complimented his Wardrobe and had a long, angry argument with his Desk.
Despite his recent troubles, I stand steadfastly behind Alec Baldwin. Too bad his cinematographer didn't do the same.
Satan appeared on God's game show, "Win the Milky Way Galaxy!"... but he only answered two questions correctly and got the Big Dipper instead. It was a constellation prize.
My wife will always go for a Whopper or a Big Mac... I tease her by calling her my burger girl. She puts up with it because I prefer to get my lunch at Subway. She likes to say I'm a sub human.
Tour guide: "This ancient castle has stood here unchanged since the 1500s! Not a stone has been replaced, not a thing altered in all that time!"
Tourist: "Damn! My landlord owns this property too!"
My dad says he's proud I'm forging a path to financial success. How the hell did he find out I've been counterfeiting 20 dollar bills?
People talk about the suffering of Jesus... seems to me he has a sweet gig! The Bible tells us he loafs and fishes!
I was walking past an elementary school and saw a couple of kids on the playground scuffling over lunch money. Being the only adult around, of course I had to step in... neither one of the little punks stood any chance against me!
A studly dude enters the apartment of a gorgeous young lady. When it looks like things are going to get physical, he undoes his shirt so she can admire his well cut chest.
"That's 100 pounds of pure dynamite, baby!" he purrs.
Next, he drops his jeans, giving her a good look at his hunky thighs.
"Another hundred pounds of TNT!" he grins.
Finally, he slides off his briefs. To his bewilderment, the girl screams and runs out of the room, not halting till she's outside on the street.
"Watsa matter, sweet thing?" he wheedles through the open window.
"Sorry," she breathes fearfully, "but I'm not getting near any 200 pounds of high explosive when it has such a short fuse!"
* * *
I have no trouble being a vegetarian, but I absolutely refuse to become vegan! No way I'm getting up at 4:00 in the morning to milk almonds!
* * *
Vegans may not eat animals, but that doesn't mean they don't have a favorite animal. It's called a High Horse.
* * *
Plenty of disabled war vets have settled in our community and most of them visit the seashore on the weekends. I therefore thought it would be a great idea to market a rubber beach sandal specifically designed for the one-legged. Needless to say, it was a flop.
* * *
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road only halfway?
A: She was sick to death of people telling this old joke and planned lay it on the line.
* * *
My daddy told me I'd have a hard life if I became a pimp, but somehow I've managed to make ends meet.
* * *
Q: Why is Olive Garden such a popular dating spot in Mississippi?
A: Because when you're there, you're family.
* * *
I'll stop at nothing to insure my wife remains happy. She wishes I'd go a bit further and actually do something.
* * *
Q: Will you ever see a crab sauntering gayly down the center of a city street?
A: No. It has to use the sidewalk.
* * *
My wife challenged me to think up a name for our baby daughter that evoked both land and sea. She said if came up with something unique, we'd use it no matter what! So, I called her Bluff.
* * *
Banana, to vibrator: "What are you shakin' for? She's gonna eat me!"
* * *
I know why Trump's hair always looks so bad... he never uses shampoo! The instructions on the bottle read, "Apply liberally".
* * *
Word is that Joe Biden is really enjoying his time in the top office. Imagine waking up every morning to learn that you're president!
* * *
Biden held an important meeting with his Cabinet today. He also complimented his Wardrobe and had a long, angry argument with his Desk.
* * *
Despite his recent troubles, I stand steadfastly behind Alec Baldwin. Too bad his cinematographer didn't do the same.
* * *
Satan appeared on God's game show, "Win the Milky Way Galaxy!"... but he only answered two questions correctly and got the Big Dipper instead. It was a constellation prize.
* * *
My wife will always go for a Whopper or a Big Mac... I tease her by calling her my burger girl. She puts up with it because I prefer to get my lunch at Subway. She likes to say I'm a sub human.
* * *
Tour guide: "This ancient castle has stood here unchanged since the 1500s! Not a stone has been replaced, not a thing altered in all that time!"
Tourist: "Damn! My landlord owns this property too!"
* * *
My dad says he's proud I'm forging a path to financial success. How the hell did he find out I've been counterfeiting 20 dollar bills?
* * *
People talk about the suffering of Jesus... seems to me he has a sweet gig! The Bible tells us he loafs and fishes!
* * *
I was walking past an elementary school and saw a couple of kids on the playground scuffling over lunch money. Being the only adult around, of course I had to step in... neither one of the little punks stood any chance against me!
* * *
A studly dude enters the apartment of a gorgeous young lady. When it looks like things are going to get physical, he undoes his shirt so she can admire his well cut chest.
"That's 100 pounds of pure dynamite, baby!" he purrs.
Next, he drops his jeans, giving her a good look at his hunky thighs.
"Another hundred pounds of TNT!" he grins.
Finally, he slides off his briefs. To his bewilderment, the girl screams and runs out of the room, not halting till she's outside on the street.
"Watsa matter, sweet thing?" he wheedles through the open window.
"Sorry," she breathes fearfully, "but I'm not getting near any 200 pounds of high explosive when it has such a short fuse!"
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