Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
The Olympics Committee has considered a radical move to increase the speed of track and field events; it requires handing the starter's pistol to Alec Baldwin.
I read at least 100 books cover-to-cover last month! Trouble is, you can't learn much about the story without reading more than the cover.
Insects are structurally designed to be much more romantic than mammals. You can tell because they have an XO-skeleton.
I only ever use alcohol for culinary purposes... I like to get good and smashed when I cook.
Brunette: "Got any pets?"
Blonde: "Yeah. I got a goldfish."
Brunette: "Any hobbies?"
Blonde: "Well, he really likes to swim."
According to what I've read, virginity runs rampant in prison. It's true: all incarcerated people are incels.
The plaintiff stunned everyone by appearing naked in court. Well, practically everyone... the defendant had offered him ten thousand dollars to drop his suit.
After his surprise appearance (see above), the plaintiff handed the judge his briefs.
My boss says I'm the worst engineer in the country. How many trains have I derailed? Hmmmm... it's hard to keep track.
If you're hoping for an unobtrusive victory, always choose a sword. The W is silent.
Yesterday I had my arm broken in two places. After being beaten to a pulp in one bar, you'd think I'd have the good sense to stay out of another!
Unlikely as it seems, the shower is more conducive to sex than the bedroom. Every naked person it sees turns it on.
In job interviews, never wear a baseball cap backwards... not unless you're applying to be the catcher.
Blonde: "I had a blind date with a microbiologist last night. What a disappointment!"
Brunette: "Disappointment? How come?"
Blonde: "He was so much bigger than I was expecting!"
My prostate exam must have gone well; the doctor gave me a thumbs up.
Michelangelo carved Jesus in 1499, David in 1504 and Moses in 1515. His next sculpture would have featured the three of them together; it was meant to be the start of his marble chisel-matic universe.
Once Hercules had disposed of Hades' first guard dog, the underworld lord brought out Cerberus.
Hades: "I triple-dog dare you to do that again!"
I did my best at that arduous job, but it must not have been good enough; my boss just gave me a too-weak notice.
If you're touring the Vatican and become overheated, just step into the Sistine Chapel. You'll find the best ceiling fans in Rome!
A dog-walker was assaulted in broad daylight. The dogs are okay, but all his equipment was stolen. Police are currently searching for leads.
My special Olympic event is a pub crawl from one televised event to the next down both sides of the street. I'm a champ at the parallel bars!
Results for the Olympic sailing competition: the British have taken the Gold medal; the French have taken the Silver medal; the Somalis have taken all the boats.
* * *
I read at least 100 books cover-to-cover last month! Trouble is, you can't learn much about the story without reading more than the cover.
* * *
Insects are structurally designed to be much more romantic than mammals. You can tell because they have an XO-skeleton.
* * *
I only ever use alcohol for culinary purposes... I like to get good and smashed when I cook.
* * *
Brunette: "Got any pets?"
Blonde: "Yeah. I got a goldfish."
Brunette: "Any hobbies?"
Blonde: "Well, he really likes to swim."
* * *
According to what I've read, virginity runs rampant in prison. It's true: all incarcerated people are incels.
* * *
The plaintiff stunned everyone by appearing naked in court. Well, practically everyone... the defendant had offered him ten thousand dollars to drop his suit.
* * *
After his surprise appearance (see above), the plaintiff handed the judge his briefs.
* * *
My boss says I'm the worst engineer in the country. How many trains have I derailed? Hmmmm... it's hard to keep track.
* * *
If you're hoping for an unobtrusive victory, always choose a sword. The W is silent.
* * *
Yesterday I had my arm broken in two places. After being beaten to a pulp in one bar, you'd think I'd have the good sense to stay out of another!
* * *
Unlikely as it seems, the shower is more conducive to sex than the bedroom. Every naked person it sees turns it on.
* * *
In job interviews, never wear a baseball cap backwards... not unless you're applying to be the catcher.
* * *
Blonde: "I had a blind date with a microbiologist last night. What a disappointment!"
Brunette: "Disappointment? How come?"
Blonde: "He was so much bigger than I was expecting!"
* * *
My prostate exam must have gone well; the doctor gave me a thumbs up.
* * *
Michelangelo carved Jesus in 1499, David in 1504 and Moses in 1515. His next sculpture would have featured the three of them together; it was meant to be the start of his marble chisel-matic universe.
* * *
Once Hercules had disposed of Hades' first guard dog, the underworld lord brought out Cerberus.
Hades: "I triple-dog dare you to do that again!"
* * *
I did my best at that arduous job, but it must not have been good enough; my boss just gave me a too-weak notice.
* * *
If you're touring the Vatican and become overheated, just step into the Sistine Chapel. You'll find the best ceiling fans in Rome!
* * *
A dog-walker was assaulted in broad daylight. The dogs are okay, but all his equipment was stolen. Police are currently searching for leads.
* * *
My special Olympic event is a pub crawl from one televised event to the next down both sides of the street. I'm a champ at the parallel bars!
* * *
Results for the Olympic sailing competition: the British have taken the Gold medal; the French have taken the Silver medal; the Somalis have taken all the boats.
