Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
My niece attends cosmetology college; last Tuesday, it was closed due to a COVID scare. She's hoping for a makeup day soon.
She: "Get out and good riddance! I hope you die a long, slow, painful death!"
He: "Make up your mind! You want me to leave or not?"
My new girlfriend told me I had the biggest genitals she'd ever seen. That's when I made my mistake; I'd always heard it was good manners to return the compliment.
Q: How serious was Leif Erikson about his Norse settlement in North America?
A: Very. He was in it for the longhall.
I rarely remove my shirt, so it may surprise you to learn that I'm very fair skinned. I'll take it off now if you'd care to see the ferris wheel and livestock tent on my chest.
Those at the Vatican are as likely to catch COVID as anyone else, but they also have to be very careful about the Bird Flu. It's a disease frequently spread by Cardinals.
My sister works the perfume counter at Macy's; once done, she joins friends for beers. That's understandable... nobody wants to drink cologne.
Daddy: "This is our new home, little Sally! Here on the ground floor is the living room, the kitchen and the bedroom where Mommy and I will sleep."
Sally: "What's upstairs?"
Daddy: "Awwww, that's so cute! But honey, you know that stairs can't answer you."
My sick, sick brother is a serial killer. I'm letting you know so you can all send him get-well cards.
If Gargamel tried to strangle a Smurf, how could he tell when he'd succeeded?
Hi! My name is Frank. I was named after my grand-uncle Frank. Way after... he was born in 1933.
Q: What does Mr. Universe use to bulk up?
A: Ass steroids.
I work as a Mafia hitman, but none of my neighbors know. I keep it a secret because when people find out, they tend to become tense. Past tense.
Brunette: "Ever wonder why alcohol is called 'spirits'?"
Blonde: "Must be on account of the boos."
My dad always told me I needed commitment if I ever planned to get anywhere in life. He sure was right; I got committed to the state mental hospital just yesterday.
Mafia boss: "The pasta factory refuses to pay protection money! Why didn't you blow it up?"
Mafia goon: "I don't understand it, boss! I lit the fusilli!"
I shot a bigfoot during my hunting trip. I'd like to put it on display, but haven't got the right vehicle for hauling it out. My brother recommends I rent a toe truck.
Q: Which of the Arabian Nights heroes never made it into Heaven?
A: Sindbad.
I've been married for 30 years and I've never failed to have the final say during disputes. What I've said is, "Oh yes, you're so right, dear."
Grammar Nazi motto: "We have ways of making you talk... correctly."
A delivery van carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus broke down on our block. No sooner had the driver left for help than it was vandalized and the entire cargo was stolen. I saw it happen, and let me tell you, it was shocking! Also alarming, appalling, awful, dire, dreadful, fearful, frightful, horrible, imposing, portentous and terrible.
With insurgents retaking Kabul, the world worries that educational opportunities within Afghanistan will dwindle to zero. That may be so for most subjects, but I don't think it holds true for math... the Taliban has much to teach the country about long division.
* * *
She: "Get out and good riddance! I hope you die a long, slow, painful death!"
He: "Make up your mind! You want me to leave or not?"
* * *
My new girlfriend told me I had the biggest genitals she'd ever seen. That's when I made my mistake; I'd always heard it was good manners to return the compliment.
* * *
Q: How serious was Leif Erikson about his Norse settlement in North America?
A: Very. He was in it for the longhall.
* * *
I rarely remove my shirt, so it may surprise you to learn that I'm very fair skinned. I'll take it off now if you'd care to see the ferris wheel and livestock tent on my chest.
* * *
Those at the Vatican are as likely to catch COVID as anyone else, but they also have to be very careful about the Bird Flu. It's a disease frequently spread by Cardinals.
* * *
My sister works the perfume counter at Macy's; once done, she joins friends for beers. That's understandable... nobody wants to drink cologne.
* * *
Daddy: "This is our new home, little Sally! Here on the ground floor is the living room, the kitchen and the bedroom where Mommy and I will sleep."
Sally: "What's upstairs?"
Daddy: "Awwww, that's so cute! But honey, you know that stairs can't answer you."
* * *
My sick, sick brother is a serial killer. I'm letting you know so you can all send him get-well cards.
* * *
If Gargamel tried to strangle a Smurf, how could he tell when he'd succeeded?
* * *
Hi! My name is Frank. I was named after my grand-uncle Frank. Way after... he was born in 1933.
* * *
Q: What does Mr. Universe use to bulk up?
A: Ass steroids.
* * *
I work as a Mafia hitman, but none of my neighbors know. I keep it a secret because when people find out, they tend to become tense. Past tense.
* * *
Brunette: "Ever wonder why alcohol is called 'spirits'?"
Blonde: "Must be on account of the boos."
* * *
My dad always told me I needed commitment if I ever planned to get anywhere in life. He sure was right; I got committed to the state mental hospital just yesterday.
* * *
Mafia boss: "The pasta factory refuses to pay protection money! Why didn't you blow it up?"
Mafia goon: "I don't understand it, boss! I lit the fusilli!"
* * *
I shot a bigfoot during my hunting trip. I'd like to put it on display, but haven't got the right vehicle for hauling it out. My brother recommends I rent a toe truck.
* * *
Q: Which of the Arabian Nights heroes never made it into Heaven?
A: Sindbad.
* * *
I've been married for 30 years and I've never failed to have the final say during disputes. What I've said is, "Oh yes, you're so right, dear."
* * *
Grammar Nazi motto: "We have ways of making you talk... correctly."
* * *
A delivery van carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus broke down on our block. No sooner had the driver left for help than it was vandalized and the entire cargo was stolen. I saw it happen, and let me tell you, it was shocking! Also alarming, appalling, awful, dire, dreadful, fearful, frightful, horrible, imposing, portentous and terrible.
* * *
With insurgents retaking Kabul, the world worries that educational opportunities within Afghanistan will dwindle to zero. That may be so for most subjects, but I don't think it holds true for math... the Taliban has much to teach the country about long division.
