Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
I work at our local aquarium and as a special treat I brought my kids in after hours so they could help feed the sharks. I must say, they were quite pleased; it isn't often they get to snack on kids!
Former porno actors make the best mailmen. They're great at going from box to box until their sack is empty.
I play GTA because it allows me to do things I'd never actually do in real life... such as venturing outside and interacting with people.
You gotta hand it to Putin; he's taken the Russian army from the second strongest in the world to the second strongest in Russia.
My leg's been missing so long, I didn't think I'd ever be able to get a job. But the brewery hired me right away... they needed a man who knew how to add hops.
Brunette: "So that new guy you're dating's a lawyer, huh? Seems a little sleezy to me. Why did he say he enjoyed giving you the 'bra' exam?"
Blonde: "Oh, he didn't really say anything rude. He meant 'bar' exam. He just happens to be dyslexic."
Brunette: "Sorry! I didn't mean to misjudge him! So, what's it like taking the bar exam?"
Blonde: "It's not at all what I expected. First, I had to take off my top... "
My wife thinks I'm a sex machine! She uses the words "fucking tool!", but that amounts to the same thing, right?
The farmhand remains behind bars after his murdered girlfriend was discovered under a layer of loose hay. He might be walking the street right now if only he could make bale.
My sister says I'm the stingiest person in our whole family! Sorry... I just can't buy that.
Oreo flavored Coke is bound to fail. No matter how good or bad it tastes, it's gonna be impossible to twist the can in half.
I haven't seen Dolly Parton's new shoes yet. To be fair, neither has she.
Son: "Dad, can I get a pet porcupine?"
Dad: "No, son. Porcupines are dangerous. They're covered with sharp quills."
Son: "Then can I get one that doesn't have quills?"
Dad: "Certainly not! That would be pointless!"
My sister seems to think I'm too clingy, to the point that I thoughtless invade her personal space. Her words made me feel so bad... they completely spoiled our bath.
Brunette: "Let's test your language skills: is it ever proper to use a double-negative?"
Blonde: "Certainly not! That's a big no-no!"
I never suspected it, but I guess I must be racist. To me, everyone in the KKK looks alike!
In Star Wars, the Senate created an army completely out of clones. That was fiction, but real police forces will soon be staffed exactly the same way. Rank after rank of perfect specimens, all of the identical! They'll be the most effective copies in history!
Today in Film Appreciation Class, I had to sit through a showing of Tommy Wiseau's "The Room". It wasn't a complete waste of time; I ended up with a high mark.
Warning! This joke is 18+: ++++++++++++++++++
Sex with the wife was starting to become stale, so she suggested we try something new by doing it in the kitchen. And you know, she was right, it was super exciting! Maybe too much so... MacDonald's has given us a lifetime ban.
Q: Until they reached the inn, Joseph was in a terrible mood. Why was that?
A: Mary'd been riding his ass all day.
I used to have a chicken farm. They all crossed the road; now my neighbor has a chicken farm.
Brunette: "How's your new chicken farm?"
Blonde: "Terrible. They're all dead."
Brunette: "Dead? That is bad news! What killed them?"
Blonde: "I dunno. Maybe I planted 'em too deep."
* * *
Former porno actors make the best mailmen. They're great at going from box to box until their sack is empty.
* * *
I play GTA because it allows me to do things I'd never actually do in real life... such as venturing outside and interacting with people.
* * *
You gotta hand it to Putin; he's taken the Russian army from the second strongest in the world to the second strongest in Russia.
* * *
My leg's been missing so long, I didn't think I'd ever be able to get a job. But the brewery hired me right away... they needed a man who knew how to add hops.
* * *
Brunette: "So that new guy you're dating's a lawyer, huh? Seems a little sleezy to me. Why did he say he enjoyed giving you the 'bra' exam?"
Blonde: "Oh, he didn't really say anything rude. He meant 'bar' exam. He just happens to be dyslexic."
Brunette: "Sorry! I didn't mean to misjudge him! So, what's it like taking the bar exam?"
Blonde: "It's not at all what I expected. First, I had to take off my top... "
* * *
My wife thinks I'm a sex machine! She uses the words "fucking tool!", but that amounts to the same thing, right?
* * *
The farmhand remains behind bars after his murdered girlfriend was discovered under a layer of loose hay. He might be walking the street right now if only he could make bale.
* * *
My sister says I'm the stingiest person in our whole family! Sorry... I just can't buy that.
* * *
Oreo flavored Coke is bound to fail. No matter how good or bad it tastes, it's gonna be impossible to twist the can in half.
* * *
I haven't seen Dolly Parton's new shoes yet. To be fair, neither has she.
* * *
Son: "Dad, can I get a pet porcupine?"
Dad: "No, son. Porcupines are dangerous. They're covered with sharp quills."
Son: "Then can I get one that doesn't have quills?"
Dad: "Certainly not! That would be pointless!"
* * *
My sister seems to think I'm too clingy, to the point that I thoughtless invade her personal space. Her words made me feel so bad... they completely spoiled our bath.
* * *
Brunette: "Let's test your language skills: is it ever proper to use a double-negative?"
Blonde: "Certainly not! That's a big no-no!"
* * *
I never suspected it, but I guess I must be racist. To me, everyone in the KKK looks alike!
* * *
In Star Wars, the Senate created an army completely out of clones. That was fiction, but real police forces will soon be staffed exactly the same way. Rank after rank of perfect specimens, all of the identical! They'll be the most effective copies in history!
* * *
Today in Film Appreciation Class, I had to sit through a showing of Tommy Wiseau's "The Room". It wasn't a complete waste of time; I ended up with a high mark.
* * *
Warning! This joke is 18+: ++++++++++++++++++
* * *
Sex with the wife was starting to become stale, so she suggested we try something new by doing it in the kitchen. And you know, she was right, it was super exciting! Maybe too much so... MacDonald's has given us a lifetime ban.
* * *
Q: Until they reached the inn, Joseph was in a terrible mood. Why was that?
A: Mary'd been riding his ass all day.
* * *
I used to have a chicken farm. They all crossed the road; now my neighbor has a chicken farm.
* * *
Brunette: "How's your new chicken farm?"
Blonde: "Terrible. They're all dead."
Brunette: "Dead? That is bad news! What killed them?"
Blonde: "I dunno. Maybe I planted 'em too deep."
