Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Donald Trump was glued to the Olympic coverage. He was eager to find out just how high foreigners can jump.
My grand-dad was an army baker. He took to the field with buns a'glazing!
Holmes and Watson are tracking a killer, when they unexpectedly come upon a citrus orchard.
Watson: Gracious, Holmes! What is that up ahead?
Holmes: A lemon tree, my dear Watson.
A woman tried to take advantage of me next to her Honda Civic, but I resisted. If I'm to have sex, it'll be by my own Accord.
Two coins accidentally dropped from my pocket. The nickel rolled down a sewer grate and was lost, but the quarter stopped short. It had better cents.
The defendant was accused of raiding his neighbors flower bed, but he got off. Seems all the evidence had been planted.
My former wife told me about a movie she thought our son should see. She gave it four stars. But I'll be damned if I send him to any film that's ex rated!
A ghost floats into a bar.
"What can I get ya?" the bartender drawls.
"Don't bother," the shade replies. "I brought my own boos."
I ran home behind a bus to save the $2.50 fare. Then it occurred to me... if only I'd run behind a taxi! I could have saved $15.00!
Grand Moff Tarkin had all sorts of trouble finding the rebel stronghold. That's because he looked for it in Alderaan places.
My girlfriend and I used to practice safe sex. Unfortunately, she doesn't work at that bank anymore.
Patient: Doctor, you have to help me! I think I'm a moth!
Doctor: Sir, if you think you're a moth you really ought to see a psychiatrist.
Patient: I was on my way to the psychiatrist's office. I only came in here because the light was on.
An old woman dies and goes to heaven.
Woman: St. Peter, will it be possible for me to reunite with my husband?
St. Peter: Certainly, ma'am! What was his name?
Woman: John Smith.
St. Peter: Hmmm... that may not help much. John Smith is a mighty common name. Tell me, can you recall his last words?
Woman: Indeed I can. He said to me, "Woman, don'cha see no more men once I'm dead! Ya'll have me turnin' over in m'grave!"
St. Peter: Ohhhhh! You mean ol' Pinwheel Smith!
My algebra teacher just retired. She's now dealing with the aftermath.
I don't mind counting backwards, but I have an irrational aversion to negative numbers. I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Chuck Norris got stabbed. The knife bled to death.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.
There used to be a street called Chuck Norris, but they had to change the name. Nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives!
Did you know that cookies are grown like crops? I didn't believe it myself, but I met a man who claims he specializes in raisin' cookies!
My father has suggested that I fill out an organ donor card. What a guy! A man after my own heart!
* * *
My grand-dad was an army baker. He took to the field with buns a'glazing!
* * *
Holmes and Watson are tracking a killer, when they unexpectedly come upon a citrus orchard.
Watson: Gracious, Holmes! What is that up ahead?
Holmes: A lemon tree, my dear Watson.
* * *
A woman tried to take advantage of me next to her Honda Civic, but I resisted. If I'm to have sex, it'll be by my own Accord.
* * *
Two coins accidentally dropped from my pocket. The nickel rolled down a sewer grate and was lost, but the quarter stopped short. It had better cents.
* * *
The defendant was accused of raiding his neighbors flower bed, but he got off. Seems all the evidence had been planted.
* * *
My former wife told me about a movie she thought our son should see. She gave it four stars. But I'll be damned if I send him to any film that's ex rated!
* * *
A ghost floats into a bar.
"What can I get ya?" the bartender drawls.
"Don't bother," the shade replies. "I brought my own boos."
* * *
I ran home behind a bus to save the $2.50 fare. Then it occurred to me... if only I'd run behind a taxi! I could have saved $15.00!
* * *
Grand Moff Tarkin had all sorts of trouble finding the rebel stronghold. That's because he looked for it in Alderaan places.
* * *
My girlfriend and I used to practice safe sex. Unfortunately, she doesn't work at that bank anymore.
* * *
Patient: Doctor, you have to help me! I think I'm a moth!
Doctor: Sir, if you think you're a moth you really ought to see a psychiatrist.
Patient: I was on my way to the psychiatrist's office. I only came in here because the light was on.
* * *
An old woman dies and goes to heaven.
Woman: St. Peter, will it be possible for me to reunite with my husband?
St. Peter: Certainly, ma'am! What was his name?
Woman: John Smith.
St. Peter: Hmmm... that may not help much. John Smith is a mighty common name. Tell me, can you recall his last words?
Woman: Indeed I can. He said to me, "Woman, don'cha see no more men once I'm dead! Ya'll have me turnin' over in m'grave!"
St. Peter: Ohhhhh! You mean ol' Pinwheel Smith!
* * *
My algebra teacher just retired. She's now dealing with the aftermath.
* * *
I don't mind counting backwards, but I have an irrational aversion to negative numbers. I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
* * *
Chuck Norris got stabbed. The knife bled to death.
* * *
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life.
* * *
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
* * *
Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.
* * *
There used to be a street called Chuck Norris, but they had to change the name. Nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives!
* * *
Did you know that cookies are grown like crops? I didn't believe it myself, but I met a man who claims he specializes in raisin' cookies!
* * *
My father has suggested that I fill out an organ donor card. What a guy! A man after my own heart!
