Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
My girlfriend had some breast enhancement surgery done. Not for the reason you might think, though... instead of silicone implants, she had small speakers inserted into her nipples. She was getting mighty tired of me not paying any attention to anything she said.
Genghis Khan didn't trust courtiers who were too obsequious... many's the time he'd have one arrested for exalt and flattery.
My girlfriend treats me like a dog! She'll be sorry... I don't care how much good food I get or how much time she spends caressing me, she's a fool if she expects me to be loyal!
"A large pizza to go! And step on it!"
"No need, sir. They're already flat."
I'm never bathing again, nor am I going outside anymore on rainy days! Evidently, sharks won't attack someone who isn't soaking wet!
"You think I'm gonna change all my priorities just because of something you learned from your horoscope? C'mon, I'm not that gullible!"
"Will you listen, please! I said 'stethoscope'!"
My grandpa passed away and left me ten acres in his will. The property was just fallow land, so I didn't think it would be worth much; that's when I found out it contained a bubbling spring, the only fresh water source for miles around! All the local girls are interested in me now! It's easy to see why... thanks to gramps, I'm well endowed!
"God bless Scotch Tape! It's indispensable!"
"How do you use it, then?"
When I was younger, we didn't have any such thing as streaming... if we wanted to hear a particular song, we had to wait for it on the radio or buy a record single. Those small discs had their problems... when you turned one over, you'd often hear an annoying buzzing sound. You gotta remember, that was the bee side.
2022 has seen a record number of summer heat waves. If you don't think this presents long term problems, think again: just consider what it's doing to all the Halloween candy!
My ex may act all cold and distant, but she still thinks I'm hot! I constantly hear her whisper to her friends as I stroll by, "Lord, will you look at that ass!"
Q: How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Geez... does this really have to be a group activity?
My pooch Rex almost got a severe fine for littering; fortunately, my vet was able to fix things.
Cowboys have never been known to roll a joint. Instead, they tumble weed.
Heard about the upscale cowboy? He rides a Horsche.
In the olden days, a guy used to have to gut a frog to make his condoms. His girl was all in favor... they were ribbet for her pleasure.
Australia's biggest export is boomerangs. Interestingly, they're also its biggest import.
Mrs. Einstein: "You're too demanding! I want just two things from you: space and time!"
Mr. Einstein: "Very well. And what's the second thing?"
Q: Why was Rudolph drawn to the strip club?
A: It was in the red light district.
Q: Why did Rudolph enter the strip club?
A: One of his fellow workers was a Pole Dancer.
When we were dating, my wife said she didn't want to hear a word about sex until we were married. After the ceremony, she said I can talk about it all I want.
Customer: "That was the stringiest, toughest stew meat I've ever eaten! Felt like all the juice had already been chewed out of it. Let me have a toothpick."
Waitress: "In a minute, sir. Table three's almost done with it."
* * *
Genghis Khan didn't trust courtiers who were too obsequious... many's the time he'd have one arrested for exalt and flattery.
* * *
My girlfriend treats me like a dog! She'll be sorry... I don't care how much good food I get or how much time she spends caressing me, she's a fool if she expects me to be loyal!
* * *
"A large pizza to go! And step on it!"
"No need, sir. They're already flat."
* * *
I'm never bathing again, nor am I going outside anymore on rainy days! Evidently, sharks won't attack someone who isn't soaking wet!
* * *
"You think I'm gonna change all my priorities just because of something you learned from your horoscope? C'mon, I'm not that gullible!"
"Will you listen, please! I said 'stethoscope'!"
* * *
My grandpa passed away and left me ten acres in his will. The property was just fallow land, so I didn't think it would be worth much; that's when I found out it contained a bubbling spring, the only fresh water source for miles around! All the local girls are interested in me now! It's easy to see why... thanks to gramps, I'm well endowed!
* * *
"God bless Scotch Tape! It's indispensable!"
"How do you use it, then?"
* * *
When I was younger, we didn't have any such thing as streaming... if we wanted to hear a particular song, we had to wait for it on the radio or buy a record single. Those small discs had their problems... when you turned one over, you'd often hear an annoying buzzing sound. You gotta remember, that was the bee side.
* * *
2022 has seen a record number of summer heat waves. If you don't think this presents long term problems, think again: just consider what it's doing to all the Halloween candy!
* * *
My ex may act all cold and distant, but she still thinks I'm hot! I constantly hear her whisper to her friends as I stroll by, "Lord, will you look at that ass!"
* * *
Q: How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Geez... does this really have to be a group activity?
* * *
My pooch Rex almost got a severe fine for littering; fortunately, my vet was able to fix things.
* * *
Cowboys have never been known to roll a joint. Instead, they tumble weed.
* * *
Heard about the upscale cowboy? He rides a Horsche.
* * *
In the olden days, a guy used to have to gut a frog to make his condoms. His girl was all in favor... they were ribbet for her pleasure.
* * *
Australia's biggest export is boomerangs. Interestingly, they're also its biggest import.
* * *
Mrs. Einstein: "You're too demanding! I want just two things from you: space and time!"
Mr. Einstein: "Very well. And what's the second thing?"
* * *
Q: Why was Rudolph drawn to the strip club?
A: It was in the red light district.
* * *
Q: Why did Rudolph enter the strip club?
A: One of his fellow workers was a Pole Dancer.
* * *
When we were dating, my wife said she didn't want to hear a word about sex until we were married. After the ceremony, she said I can talk about it all I want.
* * *
Customer: "That was the stringiest, toughest stew meat I've ever eaten! Felt like all the juice had already been chewed out of it. Let me have a toothpick."
Waitress: "In a minute, sir. Table three's almost done with it."
