Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
"How many chameleons did Noah rescue on the ark?"
"Two, of course."
"Really... how could he tell?"
I thought I'd called the grocery store to have them deliver some mint. Little did I realize that I'd accidentally dialed the hardware store, but I figured it out when I saw the concrete mixer in my driveway.
Patient: "Doctor, I'm tired all the time."
Doctor: "That's because you don't take care of yourself. I need to stop smoking and drinking alcohol, eat a proper diet, and most importantly, get plenty of exercise. Do that, and you're sure to have a good night's sleep."
Patient: "Yeah? How will exercise help me sleep?"
Doctor: "It'll tire you out."
Patient: "I'm tired right now."
"Jesus was the best! He fed 5,000 people on loaves and fishes!"
"That's nothing! Hitler made 6 million people toast!"
Please don't tell any more homophobic jokes. They're all the same.
"I pay only a buck fifty to get gas."
"Hey, that's great!"
"It's not all that great. I get awfully tired of eating at Taco Bell."
If you challenge one to fight, make sure he doesn't bring three, five, seven and nine with him. The odds will be against you.
I wanted to be a plumber when I was young. Little did I know that it was only a pipe dream.
The Geico Gecko just can't satisfy a woman: he has a reptile dysfunction.
Say if you must that I'm raising my son to be a dullard. I prefer to say that I grow my own dope.
Michael Jackson was a terrible role model. It's well known that he picked his nose.
Our town came up with something unique for the 4th of July celebration: a snowman who could play and sing "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road". They billed him as Meltin' John.
I just rubbed ketchup into my eyes, and man does it sting! So much for Heinz-sight being 2020!
Hear about the lumberjack so tough he smokes tree trunks? Well, he's trying to cut down.
I can get ahold of my doctor 24-7. He's an on-callogist.
You can't hurt Superman by running into him with a car. That must mean he's autoimmune.
I lost my ruler on the way to school, so the guy seated next to me offered to loan me his broken one. I appreciated the thought, but I don't take half measures.
Barbies aren't made of plastic anymore. It's all going into the new Kardashian dolls.
As a recent immigrant, I do my best to play by the rules. But I erred when I tried to get rid of gophers in my field by dropping M-80s down their holes. Since none of the pests were killed, I was charged with committing an attack on US soil.
Q: In the famous painting of Napoleon's retreat from Moscow, the Emperor strikes an iconic pose by stuffing his hand inside his coat. Why did he do that?
A: He was trying his best to keep his armies warm.
Don't judge a book by its cover... especially not if it's a spy novel.
To the guy who stole my prescription glasses: if you think you got the best of me, think again! I have contacts!
"Two, of course."
"Really... how could he tell?"
* * *
I thought I'd called the grocery store to have them deliver some mint. Little did I realize that I'd accidentally dialed the hardware store, but I figured it out when I saw the concrete mixer in my driveway.
* * *
Patient: "Doctor, I'm tired all the time."
Doctor: "That's because you don't take care of yourself. I need to stop smoking and drinking alcohol, eat a proper diet, and most importantly, get plenty of exercise. Do that, and you're sure to have a good night's sleep."
Patient: "Yeah? How will exercise help me sleep?"
Doctor: "It'll tire you out."
Patient: "I'm tired right now."
* * *
"Jesus was the best! He fed 5,000 people on loaves and fishes!"
"That's nothing! Hitler made 6 million people toast!"
* * *
Please don't tell any more homophobic jokes. They're all the same.
* * *
"I pay only a buck fifty to get gas."
"Hey, that's great!"
"It's not all that great. I get awfully tired of eating at Taco Bell."
* * *
If you challenge one to fight, make sure he doesn't bring three, five, seven and nine with him. The odds will be against you.
* * *
I wanted to be a plumber when I was young. Little did I know that it was only a pipe dream.
* * *
The Geico Gecko just can't satisfy a woman: he has a reptile dysfunction.
* * *
Say if you must that I'm raising my son to be a dullard. I prefer to say that I grow my own dope.
* * *
Michael Jackson was a terrible role model. It's well known that he picked his nose.
* * *
Our town came up with something unique for the 4th of July celebration: a snowman who could play and sing "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road". They billed him as Meltin' John.
* * *
I just rubbed ketchup into my eyes, and man does it sting! So much for Heinz-sight being 2020!
* * *
Hear about the lumberjack so tough he smokes tree trunks? Well, he's trying to cut down.
* * *
I can get ahold of my doctor 24-7. He's an on-callogist.
* * *
You can't hurt Superman by running into him with a car. That must mean he's autoimmune.
* * *
I lost my ruler on the way to school, so the guy seated next to me offered to loan me his broken one. I appreciated the thought, but I don't take half measures.
* * *
Barbies aren't made of plastic anymore. It's all going into the new Kardashian dolls.
* * *
As a recent immigrant, I do my best to play by the rules. But I erred when I tried to get rid of gophers in my field by dropping M-80s down their holes. Since none of the pests were killed, I was charged with committing an attack on US soil.
* * *
Q: In the famous painting of Napoleon's retreat from Moscow, the Emperor strikes an iconic pose by stuffing his hand inside his coat. Why did he do that?
A: He was trying his best to keep his armies warm.
* * *
Don't judge a book by its cover... especially not if it's a spy novel.
* * *
To the guy who stole my prescription glasses: if you think you got the best of me, think again! I have contacts!
