Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Q: Is there sex after death?
A: Don't ask me. That's entirely up to the coroner.
My new pooch must be a watchdog. I can tell because he's covered in ticks.
Hear about the mom who fed her kids nothing but frozen pizza, enchiladas and egg rolls? What a terrible parent! Food like that could make them sick! It should at least be heated up first!
I was heading for an out-of-town funeral, but never should have used the GPS. It shook me when we reached the cemetery and the damn thing told me I'd reached my final destination!
Water will freeze at 32 degrees, but boil at 212 degrees. That's a complete 180!
My GP warned me not to actually place my laptop on my lap: he said that its heat could damage my sperm. I thanked him for the information, but said that it was only just... turnabout is fair play.
If you want a better body, forget dumbbells and start lifting dictionaries. You'll see more definition in no time!
I built our family home with my own two hands. Not such a good idea: wooden planks would have provided better shelter.
A train derailment caused 5000 gallons of laxative to contaminate the town's entire water supply. Residents were forced to evacuate.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos from last night's dinner, so I just threw them out! It leaves me with an obvious problem: just what am I supposed to do with all this food?
Driver: "Dispatch, I have a big problem... just ran over an animal."
Dispatcher: "What was it, a deer?"
Driver: "No, worse than that."
Dispatcher: "A bear?"
Driver: "No, even worse than that."
Dispatcher: "What could possibly be worse than hitting a bear?"
Driver: "Hitting a fish."
I've never had sex with my girlfriend; she says she's saving herself for Jesus. I was able to respect that, right up until I figured out she meant the Latino guy who lives across the street.
Brunette doctor: "I'm afraid I have awful news: according to these test results, you only have two months to live."
Blond patient: "Dang it! Well, it's only January... I'll take November and December, please!"
My wife says we need a second income if we hope to stay fiscally solvent. Hey, if she wants to get a another job, who am I to stop her!
Mickey: "I'm calling to get a follow-up on your investigation... someone wrote my name in the fresh snow using pee. Why haven't you made any arrests yet?"
Officer: "I'm afraid we just don't see a crime here, sir. We've already analyzed the urine and determined that it belongs to Goofy. Isn't he a friend of yours?"
Mickey: "Yeah, he is. But the handwriting is Minnie's!"
I fell asleep early last night and my blond girlfriend started coloring in all my tattoos. Guess she needed a shoulder to crayon.
The vote's finally come in on the topic of whether seeing is believing: the eyes have it.
I called to tell my wife I'd be picking up Fish and Chips on my way home from work. She angrily hung up on me... never has gotten over the names I picked out for our kids.
Q: What should you do if some obnoxious guy in a big work truck pulls right up behind you, revving his engine and tailgating you for miles?
A: There's nothing you can do. Just tend to your business and ignore him till he finally gets tired of the game and turns off his siren.
My good-for-nothing layabout son demanded that I get him a set of wheels for his 18th birthday. So that's exactly what I did... I rented him a moving van.
My wife sent me to the market to pick up an eggplant, a few cucumbers and a bunch of carrots. I also bought a jar of K-Y Jelly so the cashier didn't think I was vegan.
A blonde boards a plane and plunks herself down in the most comfortable looking seat she sees. Soon, a man walks up alongside her and states, "I'm sorry miss, but that one's mine."
"Tough, creep!" she scornfully sniffs. "Get lost!"
"Not moving?" inquires the man.
"Nope," she haughtily replies.
"Fine, then," the man responds. "I sure hope you have a pilot's license."
A: Don't ask me. That's entirely up to the coroner.
* * *
My new pooch must be a watchdog. I can tell because he's covered in ticks.
* * *
Hear about the mom who fed her kids nothing but frozen pizza, enchiladas and egg rolls? What a terrible parent! Food like that could make them sick! It should at least be heated up first!
* * *
I was heading for an out-of-town funeral, but never should have used the GPS. It shook me when we reached the cemetery and the damn thing told me I'd reached my final destination!
* * *
Water will freeze at 32 degrees, but boil at 212 degrees. That's a complete 180!
* * *
My GP warned me not to actually place my laptop on my lap: he said that its heat could damage my sperm. I thanked him for the information, but said that it was only just... turnabout is fair play.
* * *
If you want a better body, forget dumbbells and start lifting dictionaries. You'll see more definition in no time!
* * *
I built our family home with my own two hands. Not such a good idea: wooden planks would have provided better shelter.
* * *
A train derailment caused 5000 gallons of laxative to contaminate the town's entire water supply. Residents were forced to evacuate.
* * *
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos from last night's dinner, so I just threw them out! It leaves me with an obvious problem: just what am I supposed to do with all this food?
* * *
Driver: "Dispatch, I have a big problem... just ran over an animal."
Dispatcher: "What was it, a deer?"
Driver: "No, worse than that."
Dispatcher: "A bear?"
Driver: "No, even worse than that."
Dispatcher: "What could possibly be worse than hitting a bear?"
Driver: "Hitting a fish."
* * *
I've never had sex with my girlfriend; she says she's saving herself for Jesus. I was able to respect that, right up until I figured out she meant the Latino guy who lives across the street.
* * *
Brunette doctor: "I'm afraid I have awful news: according to these test results, you only have two months to live."
Blond patient: "Dang it! Well, it's only January... I'll take November and December, please!"
* * *
My wife says we need a second income if we hope to stay fiscally solvent. Hey, if she wants to get a another job, who am I to stop her!
* * *
Mickey: "I'm calling to get a follow-up on your investigation... someone wrote my name in the fresh snow using pee. Why haven't you made any arrests yet?"
Officer: "I'm afraid we just don't see a crime here, sir. We've already analyzed the urine and determined that it belongs to Goofy. Isn't he a friend of yours?"
Mickey: "Yeah, he is. But the handwriting is Minnie's!"
* * *
I fell asleep early last night and my blond girlfriend started coloring in all my tattoos. Guess she needed a shoulder to crayon.
* * *
The vote's finally come in on the topic of whether seeing is believing: the eyes have it.
* * *
I called to tell my wife I'd be picking up Fish and Chips on my way home from work. She angrily hung up on me... never has gotten over the names I picked out for our kids.
* * *
Q: What should you do if some obnoxious guy in a big work truck pulls right up behind you, revving his engine and tailgating you for miles?
A: There's nothing you can do. Just tend to your business and ignore him till he finally gets tired of the game and turns off his siren.
* * *
My good-for-nothing layabout son demanded that I get him a set of wheels for his 18th birthday. So that's exactly what I did... I rented him a moving van.
* * *
My wife sent me to the market to pick up an eggplant, a few cucumbers and a bunch of carrots. I also bought a jar of K-Y Jelly so the cashier didn't think I was vegan.
* * *
A blonde boards a plane and plunks herself down in the most comfortable looking seat she sees. Soon, a man walks up alongside her and states, "I'm sorry miss, but that one's mine."
"Tough, creep!" she scornfully sniffs. "Get lost!"
"Not moving?" inquires the man.
"Nope," she haughtily replies.
"Fine, then," the man responds. "I sure hope you have a pilot's license."
