Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
My family insists I've developed some memory problems: my wife's convinced it's the booze, while my daughter blames my heavy drug use. If I do experience trouble from time to time, I suppose it could indeed result from one of the three.
She: "I've had it with you! Find yourself another girl, one who doesn't mind your bad performance in bed!"
He: "How could you possibly tell that? We were only in there two minutes!"
My sister's fiancé left her waiting at the altar, but that didn't get her down. Since the venue, the refreshments and the decorations had already been paid for, she decided to treat all the guests to a big party! Happy to report it went off without a hitch!
Q: How do Israeli soldiers destroy enemy tanks once they've run out of bazooka shells?
A: They throw Mazel Tov cocktails.
A fundamentalist faith healer held a big revival meeting on the outskirts of our town and a lot of the locals attended. I didn't go and from what I hear it's just as well. Must have been incredibly boring or offensive! Even a guy in a wheelchair got up and walked out!
A man paces outside a revival meeting tent, waving his hands and yelling at the top of his lungs, "I'm walking again! I'm walking again!"
"Praise the Lord!" shout the true believers. "It's a miracle!"
"Miracle nothin'!" counters the man, hotly. "It's car theft!"
I was masturbating last night when my hand fell asleep. Got a lot more sympathy for my ex-girlfriend now.
"... so, I slips my finger deep inside her hole and can tell she's gettin' wetter and wetter by the second! Next thing I know, she's goin' down on me!"
"Dad... when are you gonna get rid'a that damn boat?"
Yesterday I jaywalked across a city side street. A few seconds later, I heard a squeal of brakes and an awful thump... turns out that another pedestrian had crossed at the exact same spot and a bus ran him clean over! "Wow!" I thought to myself, "That could have been me!" It really couldn't have, though; I never learned how to drive a bus.
"Had an interesting experience on the way over here; I was passing by an open window and heard a voice stating, 'Cut! Let's take it from the top!' "
"Wow! Sounds like you overheard a movie director filming a scene in that building!"
"That's what I thought until I peeked inside. Turns out it was a bris."
Last week, I launched a book series aimed at 7-12 year-olds. It was a bit of a disappointing experience... five shots, and I hit only one of the little assholes.
"Could I get my change in coins instead of bills, please? I need exact money for the bus ride home."
"Sure, that's fare."
I managed to make a one-of-kind, distinct kind of dog by mixing the genes of 30 other breeds. My brother says it's just a mutt... me, I call it an elabora-dor.
Super Mario's motto: "Whatever does not kill you makes you smaller."
Last night at the bar, I downed three shot glasses and never felt even slightly drunk! I did, however, cut my mouth to pieces.
Despite his claims to the contrary, Quentin Tarantino plans to make one more movie before retiring. Due to his pop culture obsession, his career would be incomplete if he'd never attempted a video game adaptation. He'll be taking on a challenging property, too... one of the most recognizable game franchises ever, though colored by his own specific perspective. The film title will be: "The Leg End of Zelda".
The Zombie Apocalypse Survival Handbook contains some off-putting material. I never expected the siege to be a picnic, but there are some things civilized people just don't do! Take the recipes, for example. Here's one I don't think I could ever stomach: Toilet Paper Surprise... just brown and serve.
Patient: "Give it to me straight, doc... what's my condition?"
Doctor: "Sorry to have to tell you, son; you've developed diabetes."
Patient: "For Heaven's sake, don't sugarcoat it!"
I had a suspicion that the drier was shrinking my clothes, but I was wrong... turns out it was the fridge.
If you ever plan to become a proctologist, prepare to use your head and study hard as an intern before you're ever allowed near a patient. It's one of the few professions in which you start at the top and work your way to the bottom.
"She said yes! She said yes!"
"Congratulations!"
"Whatta you mean 'congratulations'? The cop asked if she wanted to press charges!"
Paddy Mahoney buys a bottle of cheap whisky and slips it into jacket pocket for the bike ride home. Along the way, he has a tumble over some rocks and lands in a heap. Feeling lots of moisture, he frantically places his hand to his chest and examines the results.
"Saints be praised!" he sighs in relief. "It's only blood!"
* * *
She: "I've had it with you! Find yourself another girl, one who doesn't mind your bad performance in bed!"
He: "How could you possibly tell that? We were only in there two minutes!"
* * *
My sister's fiancé left her waiting at the altar, but that didn't get her down. Since the venue, the refreshments and the decorations had already been paid for, she decided to treat all the guests to a big party! Happy to report it went off without a hitch!
* * *
Q: How do Israeli soldiers destroy enemy tanks once they've run out of bazooka shells?
A: They throw Mazel Tov cocktails.
* * *
A fundamentalist faith healer held a big revival meeting on the outskirts of our town and a lot of the locals attended. I didn't go and from what I hear it's just as well. Must have been incredibly boring or offensive! Even a guy in a wheelchair got up and walked out!
* * *
A man paces outside a revival meeting tent, waving his hands and yelling at the top of his lungs, "I'm walking again! I'm walking again!"
"Praise the Lord!" shout the true believers. "It's a miracle!"
"Miracle nothin'!" counters the man, hotly. "It's car theft!"
* * *
I was masturbating last night when my hand fell asleep. Got a lot more sympathy for my ex-girlfriend now.
* * *
"... so, I slips my finger deep inside her hole and can tell she's gettin' wetter and wetter by the second! Next thing I know, she's goin' down on me!"
"Dad... when are you gonna get rid'a that damn boat?"
* * *
Yesterday I jaywalked across a city side street. A few seconds later, I heard a squeal of brakes and an awful thump... turns out that another pedestrian had crossed at the exact same spot and a bus ran him clean over! "Wow!" I thought to myself, "That could have been me!" It really couldn't have, though; I never learned how to drive a bus.
* * *
"Had an interesting experience on the way over here; I was passing by an open window and heard a voice stating, 'Cut! Let's take it from the top!' "
"Wow! Sounds like you overheard a movie director filming a scene in that building!"
"That's what I thought until I peeked inside. Turns out it was a bris."
* * *
Last week, I launched a book series aimed at 7-12 year-olds. It was a bit of a disappointing experience... five shots, and I hit only one of the little assholes.
* * *
"Could I get my change in coins instead of bills, please? I need exact money for the bus ride home."
"Sure, that's fare."
* * *
I managed to make a one-of-kind, distinct kind of dog by mixing the genes of 30 other breeds. My brother says it's just a mutt... me, I call it an elabora-dor.
* * *
Super Mario's motto: "Whatever does not kill you makes you smaller."
* * *
Last night at the bar, I downed three shot glasses and never felt even slightly drunk! I did, however, cut my mouth to pieces.
* * *
Despite his claims to the contrary, Quentin Tarantino plans to make one more movie before retiring. Due to his pop culture obsession, his career would be incomplete if he'd never attempted a video game adaptation. He'll be taking on a challenging property, too... one of the most recognizable game franchises ever, though colored by his own specific perspective. The film title will be: "The Leg End of Zelda".
* * *
The Zombie Apocalypse Survival Handbook contains some off-putting material. I never expected the siege to be a picnic, but there are some things civilized people just don't do! Take the recipes, for example. Here's one I don't think I could ever stomach: Toilet Paper Surprise... just brown and serve.
* * *
Patient: "Give it to me straight, doc... what's my condition?"
Doctor: "Sorry to have to tell you, son; you've developed diabetes."
Patient: "For Heaven's sake, don't sugarcoat it!"
* * *
I had a suspicion that the drier was shrinking my clothes, but I was wrong... turns out it was the fridge.
* * *
If you ever plan to become a proctologist, prepare to use your head and study hard as an intern before you're ever allowed near a patient. It's one of the few professions in which you start at the top and work your way to the bottom.
* * *
"She said yes! She said yes!"
"Congratulations!"
"Whatta you mean 'congratulations'? The cop asked if she wanted to press charges!"
* * *
Paddy Mahoney buys a bottle of cheap whisky and slips it into jacket pocket for the bike ride home. Along the way, he has a tumble over some rocks and lands in a heap. Feeling lots of moisture, he frantically places his hand to his chest and examines the results.
"Saints be praised!" he sighs in relief. "It's only blood!"
Last edited:
