Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Mom is driving Junior to school, when a soiled condom flies off a garbage truck and splatters onto her windshield. Surprised and embarrassed, she thinks fast.
"My!" she says to her son. "What an odd insect!"
Junior stares at it and finally replies, "Yeah! Wonder how it ever got off the ground with a cock that big!"
I was once so hungry, I ate a chess board. Not bad, all considered... a bit gamey.
A housewife couldn't locate the tool she always used to peal the carrots and potatoes. Then she remembered... it was his night to go bowling.
I wanted a good deal from my drug supplier... he responded by cutting the marijuana with sugar. That successfully sweetened the pot.
An all-girl crew of bank robbers struck yesterday. Rather than wear disguises, they did the job completely naked; even so, no one could remember any faces.
A pregnant woman enters a hospital emergency room.
Woman: ... don't... haven't... mustn't... can't...
Receiving nurse: Prepare a room! This woman's gone into contractions!
Mayor Bloomberg wanted to reduce soft drink size. Forget New York... he really should have been in charge of mini soda.
As I stared deep into her eyes, I felt my knees go weak and my stomach tie into knots. Evidentially I'd drugged the wrong drink.
Saddam Hussein was found inside a spider hole. So... did that made him an Iraqnid?
A Texas cowboy decides to move to the city and open a German car franchise. His business card reads "Audi Partner".
I was startled when I opened my front door to find an alligator wearing a buckskin vest emblazoned with a single chevron. But he soon eased my suspicions... assured me he was a private investigator.
A woman sees a Pokemon Go player outside her house and reports him as a Peeping Tom. She'd become alarmed when he told her, "I intend to take a Pikachu."
My lab assistant and I have developed a device that can read a person's brainwaves, steal his ideas, then permanently delete the memory of them from his consciousness.
Man, if only I'd thought of that!
Two competing deodorants are bickering on a store shelf. Finally, one of them becomes completely frustrated.
"I can't understand you!" he rages. "Your Axe scent is too strong!"
My girlfriend just started smoking. Looks like I'll have to slow down and apply some lubricant.
My girlfriend and I have fallen into a rather tedious sex routine. So, just to shake things up, I asked her to give me the very worst hand-job imaginable.
It was quite a challenge. I'm surprised she could pull it off!
Prank caller: Sir, is your refrigerator running?
Victim: Why, yes. Yes it is.
Caller: Thank god! I'll vote for it!
A shipload of horny, depraved space pirates invaded The Planet of the Vegetables. The fearsome pirate captain marched down the ramp and addressed the population:
"We cum in peas!"
I've been watching "Game of Thrones"... planned to submit a joke about Ned Stark's head. Unfortunately, it was removed.
If you look long and hard enough... a career in x-rated films might just be for you!
Batman operates under a distinct disadvantage in a baseball game. Any pitch that hits him is considered a bunt.
"It's a boy!" I shouted as I tore through the hallway, tears streaming down my face. "I can't believe it's a boy!"
Last damn time I'll ever go to that bordello!
"My!" she says to her son. "What an odd insect!"
Junior stares at it and finally replies, "Yeah! Wonder how it ever got off the ground with a cock that big!"
* * *
I was once so hungry, I ate a chess board. Not bad, all considered... a bit gamey.
* * *
A housewife couldn't locate the tool she always used to peal the carrots and potatoes. Then she remembered... it was his night to go bowling.
* * *
I wanted a good deal from my drug supplier... he responded by cutting the marijuana with sugar. That successfully sweetened the pot.
* * *
An all-girl crew of bank robbers struck yesterday. Rather than wear disguises, they did the job completely naked; even so, no one could remember any faces.
* * *
A pregnant woman enters a hospital emergency room.
Woman: ... don't... haven't... mustn't... can't...
Receiving nurse: Prepare a room! This woman's gone into contractions!
* * *
Mayor Bloomberg wanted to reduce soft drink size. Forget New York... he really should have been in charge of mini soda.
* * *
As I stared deep into her eyes, I felt my knees go weak and my stomach tie into knots. Evidentially I'd drugged the wrong drink.
* * *
Saddam Hussein was found inside a spider hole. So... did that made him an Iraqnid?
* * *
A Texas cowboy decides to move to the city and open a German car franchise. His business card reads "Audi Partner".
* * *
I was startled when I opened my front door to find an alligator wearing a buckskin vest emblazoned with a single chevron. But he soon eased my suspicions... assured me he was a private investigator.
* * *
A woman sees a Pokemon Go player outside her house and reports him as a Peeping Tom. She'd become alarmed when he told her, "I intend to take a Pikachu."
* * *
My lab assistant and I have developed a device that can read a person's brainwaves, steal his ideas, then permanently delete the memory of them from his consciousness.
Man, if only I'd thought of that!
* * *
Two competing deodorants are bickering on a store shelf. Finally, one of them becomes completely frustrated.
"I can't understand you!" he rages. "Your Axe scent is too strong!"
* * *
My girlfriend just started smoking. Looks like I'll have to slow down and apply some lubricant.
* * *
My girlfriend and I have fallen into a rather tedious sex routine. So, just to shake things up, I asked her to give me the very worst hand-job imaginable.
It was quite a challenge. I'm surprised she could pull it off!
* * *
Prank caller: Sir, is your refrigerator running?
Victim: Why, yes. Yes it is.
Caller: Thank god! I'll vote for it!
* * *
A shipload of horny, depraved space pirates invaded The Planet of the Vegetables. The fearsome pirate captain marched down the ramp and addressed the population:
"We cum in peas!"
* * *
I've been watching "Game of Thrones"... planned to submit a joke about Ned Stark's head. Unfortunately, it was removed.
* * *
If you look long and hard enough... a career in x-rated films might just be for you!
* * *
Batman operates under a distinct disadvantage in a baseball game. Any pitch that hits him is considered a bunt.
* * *
"It's a boy!" I shouted as I tore through the hallway, tears streaming down my face. "I can't believe it's a boy!"
Last damn time I'll ever go to that bordello!
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