Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Coffee cups are just like bra cups; if you need more than two every morning, you obviously have problems.
My uncle was a degenerate drunk; the coroner's report says he died in a pool of his own vomit. Mom and dad find this mortifying, but I'm impressed: can you imagine how much vomit it takes to fill up a pool?
Around 1775, Thomas Jefferson circled all thirteen of the colonies looking for logistical weaknesses. It was the true start of the American Revolution.
My aunt lives all alone on the old family farm; she's so demented, she actually set her pet donkey on fire. She may be in her 80s, but she has the hottest ass in the county.
Brunette: "Historians say that there is no death mask of Abraham Lincoln, but that he did have two facial molds taken while he was alive."
Blonde: "Why they didn't remove that wart too while they were at it?"
I put all my loose change in an old jelly jar. It's something I've been doing it for years... right now it's jam packed.
I regularly get skin rashes on the back of my neck. It truly is a site for psoriasis.
My folks were commercial fishermen and built their own fishing boats out of balsa wood. Not sturdy vessels and they often sank; even so, us kids never went hungry. Throughout my whole childhood, I never knew any hardships.
I used to share a home with three gorgeous bachelorettes. I'd be there still if their damned landlord hadn't examined the crawlspace.
My brother's been a trucker for so long, the only buildings he feels comfortable in are ones with long halls.
I don't much care for cookies, but I always eat one when I'm at Chinese restaurants. I don't want the meal to cost me a fortune.
I think the mafia has taken over our local tennis club. All you can find in the pro shop now is protection rackets
"After much study, I've finally learned why the flamingo raises up on one foot."
"And why is that, Professor?"
"Well, it's obvious when you think about it... if he raised both feet, he'd fall on his butt."
My grandma was well off and traveled extensively after my grandpa died. Once she too passed on, I went to her apartment to collect her things and found one of those cardboard wall maps with pins marking all the locations where she'd been. There sure were a lot of those pins; it was amazing how many countries she'd visited! Though I did find the big pin up top surprising... I can't remember her ever having gone to the North Pole.
Teacher: "There are 31 days in the month of August, right class?"
Student: "No ma'am. Only 30."
Teacher: "What do you mean '30'?"
Student: "Today's August 2nd, ma'am."
I'm not attending this year's Olympic games, but I did four years ago and brought home a dozen medals! Authorities haven't found me yet, so I guess I get to keep 'em.
Q: What means did the first US President use for travel?
A: Mare Horse One.
My beer's frozen solid... my pizza's burned to ashes... and now my girlfriend's acting like she has something to tell me. Man, I hope I didn't pull that out too late too!
Visiting websites is like visiting my grandma: they always have cookies for me.
I spend most of the day in my rocking chair; if I have to go out, I use my wheelchair. Yep, I'm still livin' the rock 'n' roll lifestyle!
My son is a would-be warlock; every year he writes and posts a letter directly to Satan. This would worry most parents, but not me: the letters always end up going to Santa instead. You see, my boy's a pretty lousy sorcerer... he can't spell.
The newest fad behavior in the US is to be pissed off about something, no matter how nonsensical or trivial. It's all the rage.
* * *
My uncle was a degenerate drunk; the coroner's report says he died in a pool of his own vomit. Mom and dad find this mortifying, but I'm impressed: can you imagine how much vomit it takes to fill up a pool?
* * *
Around 1775, Thomas Jefferson circled all thirteen of the colonies looking for logistical weaknesses. It was the true start of the American Revolution.
* * *
My aunt lives all alone on the old family farm; she's so demented, she actually set her pet donkey on fire. She may be in her 80s, but she has the hottest ass in the county.
* * *
Brunette: "Historians say that there is no death mask of Abraham Lincoln, but that he did have two facial molds taken while he was alive."
Blonde: "Why they didn't remove that wart too while they were at it?"
* * *
I put all my loose change in an old jelly jar. It's something I've been doing it for years... right now it's jam packed.
* * *
I regularly get skin rashes on the back of my neck. It truly is a site for psoriasis.
* * *
My folks were commercial fishermen and built their own fishing boats out of balsa wood. Not sturdy vessels and they often sank; even so, us kids never went hungry. Throughout my whole childhood, I never knew any hardships.
* * *
I used to share a home with three gorgeous bachelorettes. I'd be there still if their damned landlord hadn't examined the crawlspace.
* * *
My brother's been a trucker for so long, the only buildings he feels comfortable in are ones with long halls.
* * *
I don't much care for cookies, but I always eat one when I'm at Chinese restaurants. I don't want the meal to cost me a fortune.
* * *
I think the mafia has taken over our local tennis club. All you can find in the pro shop now is protection rackets
* * *
"After much study, I've finally learned why the flamingo raises up on one foot."
"And why is that, Professor?"
"Well, it's obvious when you think about it... if he raised both feet, he'd fall on his butt."
* * *
My grandma was well off and traveled extensively after my grandpa died. Once she too passed on, I went to her apartment to collect her things and found one of those cardboard wall maps with pins marking all the locations where she'd been. There sure were a lot of those pins; it was amazing how many countries she'd visited! Though I did find the big pin up top surprising... I can't remember her ever having gone to the North Pole.
* * *
Teacher: "There are 31 days in the month of August, right class?"
Student: "No ma'am. Only 30."
Teacher: "What do you mean '30'?"
Student: "Today's August 2nd, ma'am."
* * *
I'm not attending this year's Olympic games, but I did four years ago and brought home a dozen medals! Authorities haven't found me yet, so I guess I get to keep 'em.
* * *
Q: What means did the first US President use for travel?
A: Mare Horse One.
* * *
My beer's frozen solid... my pizza's burned to ashes... and now my girlfriend's acting like she has something to tell me. Man, I hope I didn't pull that out too late too!
* * *
Visiting websites is like visiting my grandma: they always have cookies for me.
* * *
I spend most of the day in my rocking chair; if I have to go out, I use my wheelchair. Yep, I'm still livin' the rock 'n' roll lifestyle!
* * *
My son is a would-be warlock; every year he writes and posts a letter directly to Satan. This would worry most parents, but not me: the letters always end up going to Santa instead. You see, my boy's a pretty lousy sorcerer... he can't spell.
* * *
The newest fad behavior in the US is to be pissed off about something, no matter how nonsensical or trivial. It's all the rage.
