Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Disney's so woke these days, Sleeping Beauty's developed insomnia.
When I see the names of lovers carved into trees, I don't find it cute and I don't find it romantic. The only thing that enters my mind is how weird that so many people should bring knives along when they go out on dates.
Mario, breaking up with Princess Peach: "It's a-not you... it's a-me, Mario!"
My wife doesn't seem satisfied with the birthday gift I got for her. I did as she recommended and bought her a brand-new dildo... and she's done nothing but moan since.
Sugar, spice and everything nice... that's God's special seasoning for ribs.
I told the waiter who brought my food that the fish was a little dry; he removed it from my plate and put it back in the tank to swim around a bit more. Last time I order "The freshest sashimi in town!".
Cannibal #1: "How you prepare that last Christian you eat?"
Cannibal #2: "Boil him, like usual."
Cannibal #1: "No wonder you not feeling well! That was friar!"
My brother's become so insanely fearful, he doesn't go anywhere anymore without a wheelbarrow loaded with horseshoes, rabbit's feet and four-leaf clovers. I've never been particularly concerned about the debilitating effects of superstition, but even I have to admit that he's pushing his luck.
Dr. Loomis tracked Michael Meyers into the woods. Judith was afraid he might get lost, but the psychiatrist was able to follow the psycho path.
My brother went off to climb the Himalayas, but he's never coming back. For him, it really is Mt. Ever Rest.
Fifty percent of women in this country admit to having used vibrators. The other fifty percent always buy them new.
I always wanted to own an exotic lizard pet, but wife constantly objected. Now that we finally have a newborn, looks like she's changed her mind; she just told me to go out and buy a baby monitor!
Q: In which US city do men wear the most tank tops?
A: Pittsburgh
I tried to explain to my wife how to use Bluetooth... turns out I'm not even remotely qualified.
Brunette: "You won't believe this! I saw an honest-to-gosh UFO on the way to work today!"
Blonde: "C'mon now! How could you possible tell it was heading for work?"
I questioned five of our top billionaires about the secrets to their success, and every one of them told me the same exact thing: "How the hell did you get past the gates and guards?"
Q: What do you call the preference option in which you're attracted to both men and women, but neither is attracted to you?
A: Byesexual.
I have a huge bristly beard and make my living clipping the fleece from sheep. So how come I'm treated like a celebrity every time I tell folks I'm a hairy shearer?
Prosecutor: "How can you deny your guilt? Six people saw you take that old man's wallet!"
Defendant: "Big deal! I can find hundreds who didn't see it!"
I tried to improve on the microwave oven, calling it the tsunami oven. Needless to say, it was a washout.
Welcome to a new ride service even cheaper that Uber! We call it Unter!
If I got a dollar every time inflation devalued our money, I'd already have a quarter by the time you finish reading this! But that's just my two cents.
* * *
When I see the names of lovers carved into trees, I don't find it cute and I don't find it romantic. The only thing that enters my mind is how weird that so many people should bring knives along when they go out on dates.
* * *
Mario, breaking up with Princess Peach: "It's a-not you... it's a-me, Mario!"
* * *
My wife doesn't seem satisfied with the birthday gift I got for her. I did as she recommended and bought her a brand-new dildo... and she's done nothing but moan since.
* * *
Sugar, spice and everything nice... that's God's special seasoning for ribs.
* * *
I told the waiter who brought my food that the fish was a little dry; he removed it from my plate and put it back in the tank to swim around a bit more. Last time I order "The freshest sashimi in town!".
* * *
Cannibal #1: "How you prepare that last Christian you eat?"
Cannibal #2: "Boil him, like usual."
Cannibal #1: "No wonder you not feeling well! That was friar!"
* * *
My brother's become so insanely fearful, he doesn't go anywhere anymore without a wheelbarrow loaded with horseshoes, rabbit's feet and four-leaf clovers. I've never been particularly concerned about the debilitating effects of superstition, but even I have to admit that he's pushing his luck.
* * *
Dr. Loomis tracked Michael Meyers into the woods. Judith was afraid he might get lost, but the psychiatrist was able to follow the psycho path.
* * *
My brother went off to climb the Himalayas, but he's never coming back. For him, it really is Mt. Ever Rest.
* * *
Fifty percent of women in this country admit to having used vibrators. The other fifty percent always buy them new.
* * *
I always wanted to own an exotic lizard pet, but wife constantly objected. Now that we finally have a newborn, looks like she's changed her mind; she just told me to go out and buy a baby monitor!
* * *
Q: In which US city do men wear the most tank tops?
A: Pittsburgh
* * *
I tried to explain to my wife how to use Bluetooth... turns out I'm not even remotely qualified.
* * *
Brunette: "You won't believe this! I saw an honest-to-gosh UFO on the way to work today!"
Blonde: "C'mon now! How could you possible tell it was heading for work?"
* * *
I questioned five of our top billionaires about the secrets to their success, and every one of them told me the same exact thing: "How the hell did you get past the gates and guards?"
* * *
Q: What do you call the preference option in which you're attracted to both men and women, but neither is attracted to you?
A: Byesexual.
* * *
I have a huge bristly beard and make my living clipping the fleece from sheep. So how come I'm treated like a celebrity every time I tell folks I'm a hairy shearer?
* * *
Prosecutor: "How can you deny your guilt? Six people saw you take that old man's wallet!"
Defendant: "Big deal! I can find hundreds who didn't see it!"
* * *
I tried to improve on the microwave oven, calling it the tsunami oven. Needless to say, it was a washout.
* * *
Welcome to a new ride service even cheaper that Uber! We call it Unter!
* * *
If I got a dollar every time inflation devalued our money, I'd already have a quarter by the time you finish reading this! But that's just my two cents.
