Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Science is dedicated to the metric system. All its disciplines measure volume in liters... all but Geology. Geologists measure in quartz.
The church says to give your money to the poor. I never before understood the value of following Christian teaching... not until that bum pulled a knife on me.
Blonde: "I just washed my hair with poo."
Brunette: " Good grief! Why would you do that?"
Blonde: "I've been using shampoo for years and thought I'd try the real thing."
Never marry a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
My girlfriend wants me to go with her to the gym, but I'm really not interested. Our relationship just isn't working out.
When a snake and a lizard fight, which usually wins?
Bet on the lizard. It's better armed.
I just donated $1,000 for earthquake study. I'm generous to a fault.
In the US, dogs are K-9.
In Vietnam, they're E-10.
In the UK, kids say "lift".
In the US, kids say "elevator".
Not hard to understand; they've been raised differently.
If Shelley Long and Martin Short ever got hitched, would that constitute a comedy medium?
The leader in the Tour de France wears a yellow jersey. That isn't simply fashion; it's a reminder of what color urine's supposed to be.
The government recently conducted an online survey; I had no idea 0% of the population was Amish.
A Bronze Age inventor comes up with the first knife.
Admiring friend: "Wow! This is the best thing since bread!"
Inventor: "Yeah? Well I'm about to blow your mind!"
My trainer told me he knew a great way to take off pounds. Unfortunately, I didn't understand he was a British confidence man.
Where did the Gingerbread Man lose his leg?
In Nom.
Emphatic chickens cross the road only halfway. That's because they want to lay it on the line.
"Are you giving me the business? Quit patronizing me!"
"Fine! I'll shop across the street from now on."
Apple had considered making an iPod Touch expressly for children, but iTouch Junior just didn't sound right.
My girlfriend says a small penis is no impediment to a happy relationship. I'm sure that's true; all the same, I wish she didn't have one.
Donald Trump walks into a bar. He immediately lowers it.
Hurricane Irma has caused plenty of controversy; once again we have to consider row versus wade.
A man and his new blonde girlfriend are having sex for the first time. Right at the height of their passion, the blonde asks, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"
The man is taken aback.
"What? No! Relax, for heaven's sake!"
After the act is over, the blonde once again queries, "You're sure you don't have AIDS, right?"
The man is exasperated.
"I guarantee you I don't have AIDS! Why do you keep asking?"
"Just being paranoid, I guess," she replies. "I'd hate to catch it twice."
* * *
The church says to give your money to the poor. I never before understood the value of following Christian teaching... not until that bum pulled a knife on me.
* * *
Blonde: "I just washed my hair with poo."
Brunette: " Good grief! Why would you do that?"
Blonde: "I've been using shampoo for years and thought I'd try the real thing."
* * *
Never marry a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
* * *
My girlfriend wants me to go with her to the gym, but I'm really not interested. Our relationship just isn't working out.
* * *
When a snake and a lizard fight, which usually wins?
Bet on the lizard. It's better armed.
* * *
I just donated $1,000 for earthquake study. I'm generous to a fault.
* * *
In the US, dogs are K-9.
In Vietnam, they're E-10.
* * *
In the UK, kids say "lift".
In the US, kids say "elevator".
Not hard to understand; they've been raised differently.
* * *
If Shelley Long and Martin Short ever got hitched, would that constitute a comedy medium?
* * *
The leader in the Tour de France wears a yellow jersey. That isn't simply fashion; it's a reminder of what color urine's supposed to be.
* * *
The government recently conducted an online survey; I had no idea 0% of the population was Amish.
* * *
A Bronze Age inventor comes up with the first knife.
Admiring friend: "Wow! This is the best thing since bread!"
Inventor: "Yeah? Well I'm about to blow your mind!"
* * *
My trainer told me he knew a great way to take off pounds. Unfortunately, I didn't understand he was a British confidence man.
* * *
Where did the Gingerbread Man lose his leg?
In Nom.
* * *
Emphatic chickens cross the road only halfway. That's because they want to lay it on the line.
* * *
"Are you giving me the business? Quit patronizing me!"
"Fine! I'll shop across the street from now on."
* * *
Apple had considered making an iPod Touch expressly for children, but iTouch Junior just didn't sound right.
* * *
My girlfriend says a small penis is no impediment to a happy relationship. I'm sure that's true; all the same, I wish she didn't have one.
* * *
Donald Trump walks into a bar. He immediately lowers it.
* * *
Hurricane Irma has caused plenty of controversy; once again we have to consider row versus wade.
* * *
A man and his new blonde girlfriend are having sex for the first time. Right at the height of their passion, the blonde asks, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"
The man is taken aback.
"What? No! Relax, for heaven's sake!"
After the act is over, the blonde once again queries, "You're sure you don't have AIDS, right?"
The man is exasperated.
"I guarantee you I don't have AIDS! Why do you keep asking?"
"Just being paranoid, I guess," she replies. "I'd hate to catch it twice."
