Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Dawg gets his man faster than any other bounty hunter. He's the quicker picker-upper.
6:30 is the most advantageous configuration for any clock, hands down!
I recently heard a convincing explanation for the gender wage gap: evidently, men gravitate toward highly paid jobs like doctor, engineer, CEO, etc. Women, conversely, are better suited to lower paying jobs, such as female doctor, female engineer, female CEO...
My neighbor had the nerve to knock on my door at 3:00 in the morning. Totally interrupted my drum practice!
Our married life is idyllic! I pick up after her... she picks up after me. We're maid for each other!
Wow... I just found out I'm distantly related to Alfred Packer, the cannibal who ate five other human beings! That's an awful lot to digest.
What does the Mighty Thor have on underneath his costume?
Thunderwear!
I wanted to make Swiss cheese, but my wife brought me non-fat raw material. Damn it, everyone knows you use hole milk!
I was in Mother Goose Land recently... had myself a one night stand. Or, as the locals refer to it, a Humpty Dumpty.
Never trust atoms! They make up everything!
The owner of a wild animal park was eager to crossbreed a horse with a zebra. He therefore selected a dashing, virile Appaloosa stallion, placed him in a compound with a fetching young zebra mare and left to let nature take its course. In the morning he returned, only to find each animal thoroughly pissed off and covered from mane to tail with bruises and welts.
"What on earth happened!?" the park owner cried to the stallion in dismay. "Didn't you find her sexy?"
"I never got to find out!" the horse snorted in disgust. "Couldn't get her damned pajamas off!"
Neil Armstrong hates leaky space suits! They make his blood boil!
My nephew is so clueless, he thinks Bill Cosby is a rap artist. Well... actually that's true, as long as you disregard the art.
The thief didn't leave a fingerprint, a fiber or even a single smudge or sweat mark. It was a textbook example of stainless steal.
Pirate: Avast, Doctor! Y'must aid me! I mark black spots 'pon m'skin!
Doctor: Sir, you can relax. I've seen this before... they're benign.
Pirate: Nine?! Scurvy dog! There be more'n twenty!
I'd murder my roommate, but I just don't think I could live with myself.
A pen has decided to marry a pencil. He's most eager to introduce his bride 2B.
My rental property is swarming with pests. I called an exterminator, but he said he couldn't be bothered with ten ants.
Jill is terribly upset about the new iPhone 7. Turns out there's no jack.
Why would anyone fly Virgin Airlines? When I travel, I want a plane that goes all the way!
All my wife wants is sex, sex, sex. Yep... three times in 35 years.
A blonde and a redhead are watching the news. The story concerns a man perched on the ledge of a building.
"Bet'cha 50 bucks he jumps!" the redhead chirps.
"You're on!" the blonde replies.
Sure enough, the man plummets to his death.
"Looks like I owe you," says the blonde.
"Look," the redhead acknowledges, "I have to confess I cheated. I saw that report earlier today."
"Yeah, me too," sighs the blonde. "But I didn't think he'd be stupid enough to do it twice."
* * *
6:30 is the most advantageous configuration for any clock, hands down!
* * *
I recently heard a convincing explanation for the gender wage gap: evidently, men gravitate toward highly paid jobs like doctor, engineer, CEO, etc. Women, conversely, are better suited to lower paying jobs, such as female doctor, female engineer, female CEO...
* * *
My neighbor had the nerve to knock on my door at 3:00 in the morning. Totally interrupted my drum practice!
* * *
Our married life is idyllic! I pick up after her... she picks up after me. We're maid for each other!
* * *
Wow... I just found out I'm distantly related to Alfred Packer, the cannibal who ate five other human beings! That's an awful lot to digest.
* * *
What does the Mighty Thor have on underneath his costume?
Thunderwear!
* * *
I wanted to make Swiss cheese, but my wife brought me non-fat raw material. Damn it, everyone knows you use hole milk!
* * *
I was in Mother Goose Land recently... had myself a one night stand. Or, as the locals refer to it, a Humpty Dumpty.
* * *
Never trust atoms! They make up everything!
* * *
The owner of a wild animal park was eager to crossbreed a horse with a zebra. He therefore selected a dashing, virile Appaloosa stallion, placed him in a compound with a fetching young zebra mare and left to let nature take its course. In the morning he returned, only to find each animal thoroughly pissed off and covered from mane to tail with bruises and welts.
"What on earth happened!?" the park owner cried to the stallion in dismay. "Didn't you find her sexy?"
"I never got to find out!" the horse snorted in disgust. "Couldn't get her damned pajamas off!"
* * *
Neil Armstrong hates leaky space suits! They make his blood boil!
* * *
My nephew is so clueless, he thinks Bill Cosby is a rap artist. Well... actually that's true, as long as you disregard the art.
* * *
The thief didn't leave a fingerprint, a fiber or even a single smudge or sweat mark. It was a textbook example of stainless steal.
* * *
Pirate: Avast, Doctor! Y'must aid me! I mark black spots 'pon m'skin!
Doctor: Sir, you can relax. I've seen this before... they're benign.
Pirate: Nine?! Scurvy dog! There be more'n twenty!
* * *
I'd murder my roommate, but I just don't think I could live with myself.
* * *
A pen has decided to marry a pencil. He's most eager to introduce his bride 2B.
* * *
My rental property is swarming with pests. I called an exterminator, but he said he couldn't be bothered with ten ants.
* * *
Jill is terribly upset about the new iPhone 7. Turns out there's no jack.
* * *
Why would anyone fly Virgin Airlines? When I travel, I want a plane that goes all the way!
* * *
All my wife wants is sex, sex, sex. Yep... three times in 35 years.
* * *
A blonde and a redhead are watching the news. The story concerns a man perched on the ledge of a building.
"Bet'cha 50 bucks he jumps!" the redhead chirps.
"You're on!" the blonde replies.
Sure enough, the man plummets to his death.
"Looks like I owe you," says the blonde.
"Look," the redhead acknowledges, "I have to confess I cheated. I saw that report earlier today."
"Yeah, me too," sighs the blonde. "But I didn't think he'd be stupid enough to do it twice."
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