Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
While my brother was high, he swallowed a whole package of razorblades. He got Schick to his stomach.
Q: Why did Anikan kill Padme?
A: He was using the dark side of divorce.
I'm tired to death of Paul Walker jokes! Enough, already! The poor guy can't catch a brake!
Believe it or not, during his lifetime Colonel Sanders was irresistible to the ladies. Really though, what else would you expect from a chick magnate?
Now that Elizabeth is gone, Andrew will be looking after the Royal Corgis. At least we can breathe easy knowing they'll be well groomed.
Reports say that English teen pregnancy rates are the highest in Europe. Strange... I thought they'd abolished child labor.
I called customer support at Apple to find out why my mouse wasn't operating as expected. They told me to make sure it was plugged in. I guess I really should have called Pet-Co, but it's too damn late now.
Q: A supermodel and a librarian are walking down the street during a thunderstorm. Which of them is more likely to be struck by lightning?
A: The supermodel. She's more attractive.
I'm halfway toward realizing my ambition of becoming a criminal lawyer! All I have to do now is work out the lawyer half.
Robert Wadlow, the Alton Giant, was so huge, he wore size 37 shoes! No small feat!
I was a destitute orphan boy adopted by multi-millionaire parents. So, how was my childhood after that? Nothing to write home about.
Male definition of marriage: a very costly way to get your laundry done for free.
I was looking over my car's engine the other day and happened to notice two lumps on the battery. I had them examined by a mechanic... one of them tested positive. What's more, he told me it's terminal.
Always use electricity when cooking Belgian Waffles, never gas. Otherwise, you'll have Belchin' Waffles.
I've studied history and have determined that the past has nothing to teach us: World War I started because an Austrian guy was assassinated... World War II started because an Austrian guy wasn't.
"You gonna charge me to build this chimney? Word is it's on the house!"
"On the contrary... it's goin' through the roof."
You've heard the old saying, "Time flies when you're having fun!", right? Well, I don't get it. What's so damn much fun about timing a bunch of flies?
"My dad died because of a throat problem."
"Sorry to hear that. Cancer?"
"No. Lynching."
Our trips to Las Vegas have brought my family so much closer together! We live in a much smaller house now.
Judge: "You came before me two years ago for stealing a car. Today I see you again, and what is the charge? Stealing a car! I must say, I'm extremely disappointed."
Defendant: "Me too, judge. They sure don't make 'em like they used to."
I do professional audio effects for TV and motion pictures, and not too long ago built myself an echo chamber. I figured there'd be a sound return on my investment.
She: "You're so blind to your own faults! You don't remember any of the stupid things you've said during our marriage, do you?"
He: "Yes... I do."
* * *
Q: Why did Anikan kill Padme?
A: He was using the dark side of divorce.
* * *
I'm tired to death of Paul Walker jokes! Enough, already! The poor guy can't catch a brake!
* * *
Believe it or not, during his lifetime Colonel Sanders was irresistible to the ladies. Really though, what else would you expect from a chick magnate?
* * *
Now that Elizabeth is gone, Andrew will be looking after the Royal Corgis. At least we can breathe easy knowing they'll be well groomed.
* * *
Reports say that English teen pregnancy rates are the highest in Europe. Strange... I thought they'd abolished child labor.
* * *
I called customer support at Apple to find out why my mouse wasn't operating as expected. They told me to make sure it was plugged in. I guess I really should have called Pet-Co, but it's too damn late now.
* * *
Q: A supermodel and a librarian are walking down the street during a thunderstorm. Which of them is more likely to be struck by lightning?
A: The supermodel. She's more attractive.
* * *
I'm halfway toward realizing my ambition of becoming a criminal lawyer! All I have to do now is work out the lawyer half.
* * *
Robert Wadlow, the Alton Giant, was so huge, he wore size 37 shoes! No small feat!
* * *
I was a destitute orphan boy adopted by multi-millionaire parents. So, how was my childhood after that? Nothing to write home about.
* * *
Male definition of marriage: a very costly way to get your laundry done for free.
* * *
I was looking over my car's engine the other day and happened to notice two lumps on the battery. I had them examined by a mechanic... one of them tested positive. What's more, he told me it's terminal.
* * *
Always use electricity when cooking Belgian Waffles, never gas. Otherwise, you'll have Belchin' Waffles.
* * *
I've studied history and have determined that the past has nothing to teach us: World War I started because an Austrian guy was assassinated... World War II started because an Austrian guy wasn't.
* * *
"You gonna charge me to build this chimney? Word is it's on the house!"
"On the contrary... it's goin' through the roof."
* * *
You've heard the old saying, "Time flies when you're having fun!", right? Well, I don't get it. What's so damn much fun about timing a bunch of flies?
* * *
"My dad died because of a throat problem."
"Sorry to hear that. Cancer?"
"No. Lynching."
* * *
Our trips to Las Vegas have brought my family so much closer together! We live in a much smaller house now.
* * *
Judge: "You came before me two years ago for stealing a car. Today I see you again, and what is the charge? Stealing a car! I must say, I'm extremely disappointed."
Defendant: "Me too, judge. They sure don't make 'em like they used to."
* * *
I do professional audio effects for TV and motion pictures, and not too long ago built myself an echo chamber. I figured there'd be a sound return on my investment.
* * *
She: "You're so blind to your own faults! You don't remember any of the stupid things you've said during our marriage, do you?"
He: "Yes... I do."
