Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,969
- Points
- 48
Elon Musk says he wants to colonize Mars, but he's too late. I already beat him to it... M:A:R:S.
She: "You're such a romantic, using such loving language to your wife! Do you call her 'lover', 'honey' and 'sweetie' every day?"
He: "I have to. I forgot her name twenty years ago."
I had a dream on the fifth day of the week. In it I saw the horse in the fifth gate on the fifth race of the day and knew it had to be a sign! So, I rushed down to the track and put down 555 dollars. Sure enough, my horse came in!... fifth.
Dentist: "You haven't been to see me in five years! Good lord, man, when was the last time you flossed these teeth?"
Patient: "You should know! You were there!"
A vendor tried to sell me some blood oranges today; I slapped him and told him to go to hell! Don't try to saddle me with your conflict fruit!
Whoever decided that childbirth should be referred to as "delivery" has never been to a fast food restaurant; that's "take out" if it's anything!
I recently had a talk with my wife concerning the decreased level of our sexual intimacy. As usual, zero fucks were given.
People who get married should be on an equal intellectual footing. That's why 18-year-olds are ideal for 100-year-olds; the first hasn't learned anything and the latter has forgotten it all.
I never thought much of my grandfather until I had a son of my own. That brought increased perspective... immediately he became a great grandfather!
Word from the world of comix: Snoopy has officially left Charlie Brown and taken up residence with Garfield. When asked, he reported that he'd gotten tired of working for Peanuts.
I'm so proud of my wife! She's taken our financial hardships seriously and gotten herself a job with an appliance firm! I don't know much about the company yet, but it must be a small one; reportedly they make only fans.
God: "Adam, give me one of your ribs and I'll make a mate for you."
Adam: "Geez, God, I dunno. Sounds like that's gonna hurt a lot. Is she really gonna be worth one of my bones?"
God: "Trust me, Adam... you'll like her so much, you'll spend the rest of your life trying to give her another!"
I tried to warn my cousin that the new tattoo artist was an idiot, but he wouldn't listen. He soon came out, disappointment written all over his face.
Q: What is the hardest working part of any computer?
A: The keyboard. It has double shifts.
We figured my granddad's arthritis could be helped by medical marijuana, but his fingers are so stiff he can't even lift the reefers to his mouth. It's a joint problem all the way 'round.
Producer: "My dear, I've seen your screen test and I must tell you straight... it'd take an act of Congress to get you the roll you want."
Actress: "Okay, if you say so. My place or yours?"
I attended a meeting of my union, the Federation of American Sanitary Workers, but didn't stay long. I've never had much liking for trash talk.
The dish may have run away with the spoon, but that was only because the rest of the place setting had died. The survivors saw no point in hanging around for the funeral... it was only a small service.
My uncle is testing a revolutionary new suction cup, one he claims is fifty time more powerful than any suction cup that's ever been built! I don't know how he managed to pull it off!
Q: How did the chicken send an egg across the road?
A: She sent it scrambling. It got over easy!
In high school, I was part of our water polo team. We were confident about our chances until the first practice; that's when all the horses drowned.
Blonde: "Sonny swallowed a dozen Scrabble tiles and the doctor's having him stay in the hospital overnight for observation."
Brunette: "How's he doing?"
Blonde: "No word yet."
* * *
She: "You're such a romantic, using such loving language to your wife! Do you call her 'lover', 'honey' and 'sweetie' every day?"
He: "I have to. I forgot her name twenty years ago."
* * *
I had a dream on the fifth day of the week. In it I saw the horse in the fifth gate on the fifth race of the day and knew it had to be a sign! So, I rushed down to the track and put down 555 dollars. Sure enough, my horse came in!... fifth.
* * *
Dentist: "You haven't been to see me in five years! Good lord, man, when was the last time you flossed these teeth?"
Patient: "You should know! You were there!"
* * *
A vendor tried to sell me some blood oranges today; I slapped him and told him to go to hell! Don't try to saddle me with your conflict fruit!
* * *
Whoever decided that childbirth should be referred to as "delivery" has never been to a fast food restaurant; that's "take out" if it's anything!
* * *
I recently had a talk with my wife concerning the decreased level of our sexual intimacy. As usual, zero fucks were given.
* * *
People who get married should be on an equal intellectual footing. That's why 18-year-olds are ideal for 100-year-olds; the first hasn't learned anything and the latter has forgotten it all.
* * *
I never thought much of my grandfather until I had a son of my own. That brought increased perspective... immediately he became a great grandfather!
* * *
Word from the world of comix: Snoopy has officially left Charlie Brown and taken up residence with Garfield. When asked, he reported that he'd gotten tired of working for Peanuts.
* * *
I'm so proud of my wife! She's taken our financial hardships seriously and gotten herself a job with an appliance firm! I don't know much about the company yet, but it must be a small one; reportedly they make only fans.
* * *
God: "Adam, give me one of your ribs and I'll make a mate for you."
Adam: "Geez, God, I dunno. Sounds like that's gonna hurt a lot. Is she really gonna be worth one of my bones?"
God: "Trust me, Adam... you'll like her so much, you'll spend the rest of your life trying to give her another!"
* * *
I tried to warn my cousin that the new tattoo artist was an idiot, but he wouldn't listen. He soon came out, disappointment written all over his face.
* * *
Q: What is the hardest working part of any computer?
A: The keyboard. It has double shifts.
* * *
We figured my granddad's arthritis could be helped by medical marijuana, but his fingers are so stiff he can't even lift the reefers to his mouth. It's a joint problem all the way 'round.
* * *
Producer: "My dear, I've seen your screen test and I must tell you straight... it'd take an act of Congress to get you the roll you want."
Actress: "Okay, if you say so. My place or yours?"
* * *
I attended a meeting of my union, the Federation of American Sanitary Workers, but didn't stay long. I've never had much liking for trash talk.
* * *
The dish may have run away with the spoon, but that was only because the rest of the place setting had died. The survivors saw no point in hanging around for the funeral... it was only a small service.
* * *
My uncle is testing a revolutionary new suction cup, one he claims is fifty time more powerful than any suction cup that's ever been built! I don't know how he managed to pull it off!
* * *
Q: How did the chicken send an egg across the road?
A: She sent it scrambling. It got over easy!
* * *
In high school, I was part of our water polo team. We were confident about our chances until the first practice; that's when all the horses drowned.
* * *
Blonde: "Sonny swallowed a dozen Scrabble tiles and the doctor's having him stay in the hospital overnight for observation."
Brunette: "How's he doing?"
Blonde: "No word yet."
