Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
No one's taking the news harder than James Bond... due to recent events, he no longer works for Her Majesty's Secret Service.
A friend of mine was killed by a charging cable. It's something that happens all too often... he didn't happen to notice the baby cables nearby.
Q: How can a Ukrainian soldier possibly stop a Russian tank?
A: By cutting the tow rope.
I asked my psychoanalyst if there was any harm in making a Freudian slip. He told me no, so I shoved him down the stairs.
Try to live each moment of your life as though it was your last: annoying your friends and family with spastic arm movements and incoherent gurgling can be tremendously amusing!
Back when I attended Sunday School, the teacher asked me what I knew about the Second Coming of Christ. I told her I'd consult my Tijuana Bible.
"Pop, I want to try out for shadow boxing this semester. Is that okay?"
"Sure, kid! Knock yourself out!"
I have a huge sex drive... my girlfriend's now going to school in a different state.
In "The Lion King", Simba's dad is trapped in a canyon with hundreds of charging wildebeests. His friends on the sidelines screamed in alarm, "Mufasa! Mufasa!"... unfortunately, he didn't.
Due to over-harvesting, there is now a severe shortage of iceberg lettuce. I'm calling on everyone to romaine calm.
Teacher: "It's very simple to tell the difference between male and female frogs: the male frogs eat only male flies, while the female frogs eat only female flies."
Student: "How do you tell the difference between male and female flies, then?"
Teacher: "How the hell would I know that? I'm a frog expert!"
I'll admit it... the first time I had sex, I was scared! You can hardly blame me... I was all alone in the dark.
The spread of COVID-19 has always been dependent on two factors: (1) how dense the population is, and (2) how closely they're packed together.
Back in the bad ol' hippy days, I bought myself a mood ring. When my girlfriend pleased me, it turned blue. When she didn't, it turned red. Turns out you can use it to deliver quite a punch!
Q: What does a mermaid use to wash her hair?
A: Tide.
I'm currently reading a history of the Model T. It's an auto biography.
Some experts claim that plants have a certain level of intelligence. Even so, don't try to teach them math... it gives them square roots.
Women who breastfeed must lead miserable lives. I've never had one smile when I take a selfie with her.
A buzzard finds some roadkill on a remote stretch of highway and settles down to dine. After a few minutes, a patrolman rolls up and lowers his window.
"What do you think you're doing?" the cop demands.
"Just cleaning up the roadway, officer," the bird responds.
"I see," replies the patrolman. "Carrion."
500 cod in a processing plant slipped off the assembly line and were ground up by the machinery. I was expecting to see a lot of gore, but the results turned out to be super fish oil.
Russian Commander: "You are now a new recruit into the glorious Russian Army! You will be leaving for the front line at once!"
Russian Recruit: "But Commander... who are we fighting with?"
Russian Commander: "The Nazis, of course!"
Russian Recruit: "I understand that, Commander. But against whom?"
Valdimir Putin thinks of himself as a new Peter the Great. And with some justice... he too is leading Russia into the 18th century.
* * *
A friend of mine was killed by a charging cable. It's something that happens all too often... he didn't happen to notice the baby cables nearby.
* * *
Q: How can a Ukrainian soldier possibly stop a Russian tank?
A: By cutting the tow rope.
* * *
I asked my psychoanalyst if there was any harm in making a Freudian slip. He told me no, so I shoved him down the stairs.
* * *
Try to live each moment of your life as though it was your last: annoying your friends and family with spastic arm movements and incoherent gurgling can be tremendously amusing!
* * *
Back when I attended Sunday School, the teacher asked me what I knew about the Second Coming of Christ. I told her I'd consult my Tijuana Bible.
* * *
"Pop, I want to try out for shadow boxing this semester. Is that okay?"
"Sure, kid! Knock yourself out!"
* * *
I have a huge sex drive... my girlfriend's now going to school in a different state.
* * *
In "The Lion King", Simba's dad is trapped in a canyon with hundreds of charging wildebeests. His friends on the sidelines screamed in alarm, "Mufasa! Mufasa!"... unfortunately, he didn't.
* * *
Due to over-harvesting, there is now a severe shortage of iceberg lettuce. I'm calling on everyone to romaine calm.
* * *
Teacher: "It's very simple to tell the difference between male and female frogs: the male frogs eat only male flies, while the female frogs eat only female flies."
Student: "How do you tell the difference between male and female flies, then?"
Teacher: "How the hell would I know that? I'm a frog expert!"
* * *
I'll admit it... the first time I had sex, I was scared! You can hardly blame me... I was all alone in the dark.
* * *
The spread of COVID-19 has always been dependent on two factors: (1) how dense the population is, and (2) how closely they're packed together.
* * *
Back in the bad ol' hippy days, I bought myself a mood ring. When my girlfriend pleased me, it turned blue. When she didn't, it turned red. Turns out you can use it to deliver quite a punch!
* * *
Q: What does a mermaid use to wash her hair?
A: Tide.
* * *
I'm currently reading a history of the Model T. It's an auto biography.
* * *
Some experts claim that plants have a certain level of intelligence. Even so, don't try to teach them math... it gives them square roots.
* * *
Women who breastfeed must lead miserable lives. I've never had one smile when I take a selfie with her.
* * *
A buzzard finds some roadkill on a remote stretch of highway and settles down to dine. After a few minutes, a patrolman rolls up and lowers his window.
"What do you think you're doing?" the cop demands.
"Just cleaning up the roadway, officer," the bird responds.
"I see," replies the patrolman. "Carrion."
* * *
500 cod in a processing plant slipped off the assembly line and were ground up by the machinery. I was expecting to see a lot of gore, but the results turned out to be super fish oil.
* * *
Russian Commander: "You are now a new recruit into the glorious Russian Army! You will be leaving for the front line at once!"
Russian Recruit: "But Commander... who are we fighting with?"
Russian Commander: "The Nazis, of course!"
Russian Recruit: "I understand that, Commander. But against whom?"
* * *
Valdimir Putin thinks of himself as a new Peter the Great. And with some justice... he too is leading Russia into the 18th century.
