Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
A fish walks into a bar. It's taken him 400 million years, but he finally made it.
I don't know about our local zoo... its newest attraction is a porcupine that somehow lost all its quills. Seems pointless to me.
Blond pilot: "What gives? This landing strip is way too short!"
Blond copilot: "Yeah! It's ridiculously wide, too!"
It's critical to build a good vocabulary. If I'd know the difference between an "anecdote" and an "antidote", my best friend would still be alive.
The US Founding Fathers had strong convictions, but nowhere near as strong as the convictions of the Australian Founding Fathers.
When I die, I intend to be buried in an extra wide coffin. I wanna make sure I have plenty of room; my kids are gonna have me rolling over constantly.
Teacher: "How much is fifteen plus fifteen?"
Pupil: "Thirty."
Teacher: "Very good! Now, how much is sixteen plus sixteen?"
Pupil: "Thirty."
Teacher: "No, no, no! Fifteen plus fifteen is thirty... sixteen plus sixteen is thirty-two!"
Pupil: "That's what I said!"
My wife has left me. She says I'm too paranoid. She also said she was going out for groceries, but how can I believe that?
In the novel "Animal Farm", after assassinating his rival Snowball, the hog villain Napoleon gains dictatorial power through the coerced support of the remaining pigs. He does this by pulling their hamstrings.
A pending X-rated remake of "Snow White" has run into copyright infringement problems with Disney... so, they just changed the title to "Itty Bitty Gang Bang".
I have a suspicion that my best friend may be fooling around with my wife. He looks mighty down in the mouth lately.
Two tortillas are at the bar having drinks when a pizza enters. One of the tortillas turns to the other and leers, "Whatta you think, Bob?"
The second glances at the new arrival and grumps, "Never trust a gal who wears too much makeup."
Can you believe it? The first of this coming April, Apple will introduce a line of robotic children for couples can't conceive and don't want to adopt: iKid.
A frog hops into MacDonald's and orders a quarter ouncer with cheese.
"Certainly, sir!" the waitress chirps. "Would you like flies with that?"
My pals were doing donuts in a parking lot late one night, when someone yelled out, "The cops are coming!" Everyone split, but it was interesting to find out... I guess they really do love donuts!
Whenever you're feeling like a failure, just remember: you're closer to being a millionaire than Jeff Bezos is!
I'm a standup comedian. My routine is quite unique, telling crude maternal jokes while being accompanied by a cello. The name of the act is Yo-Yo Mama.
You can always tell when someone is lying just by observing them carefully. If they're posture is horizontal, they're lying; if it's vertical, they're standing up.
When I was a kid, I used to pretend to be an old-time radio announcer, using mom's colander as a microphone. But I soon gave up that game... I got tired of straining my voice.
"You say this is Himalayan rabbit stew?"
"Yep. Found him a'layin' in the middle of the road."
My brother wrote a book about all his missed opportunities. He calls it his ought-to biography.
Two blondes are standing in a field of dandelions.
First blonde: "Aren't these the things you blow to make your wish come true?"
Second blonde: "Nah, these are just dandelions. You're thinking of sugar daddies."
* * *
I don't know about our local zoo... its newest attraction is a porcupine that somehow lost all its quills. Seems pointless to me.
* * *
Blond pilot: "What gives? This landing strip is way too short!"
Blond copilot: "Yeah! It's ridiculously wide, too!"
* * *
It's critical to build a good vocabulary. If I'd know the difference between an "anecdote" and an "antidote", my best friend would still be alive.
* * *
The US Founding Fathers had strong convictions, but nowhere near as strong as the convictions of the Australian Founding Fathers.
* * *
When I die, I intend to be buried in an extra wide coffin. I wanna make sure I have plenty of room; my kids are gonna have me rolling over constantly.
* * *
Teacher: "How much is fifteen plus fifteen?"
Pupil: "Thirty."
Teacher: "Very good! Now, how much is sixteen plus sixteen?"
Pupil: "Thirty."
Teacher: "No, no, no! Fifteen plus fifteen is thirty... sixteen plus sixteen is thirty-two!"
Pupil: "That's what I said!"
* * *
My wife has left me. She says I'm too paranoid. She also said she was going out for groceries, but how can I believe that?
* * *
In the novel "Animal Farm", after assassinating his rival Snowball, the hog villain Napoleon gains dictatorial power through the coerced support of the remaining pigs. He does this by pulling their hamstrings.
* * *
A pending X-rated remake of "Snow White" has run into copyright infringement problems with Disney... so, they just changed the title to "Itty Bitty Gang Bang".
* * *
I have a suspicion that my best friend may be fooling around with my wife. He looks mighty down in the mouth lately.
* * *
Two tortillas are at the bar having drinks when a pizza enters. One of the tortillas turns to the other and leers, "Whatta you think, Bob?"
The second glances at the new arrival and grumps, "Never trust a gal who wears too much makeup."
* * *
Can you believe it? The first of this coming April, Apple will introduce a line of robotic children for couples can't conceive and don't want to adopt: iKid.
* * *
A frog hops into MacDonald's and orders a quarter ouncer with cheese.
"Certainly, sir!" the waitress chirps. "Would you like flies with that?"
* * *
My pals were doing donuts in a parking lot late one night, when someone yelled out, "The cops are coming!" Everyone split, but it was interesting to find out... I guess they really do love donuts!
* * *
Whenever you're feeling like a failure, just remember: you're closer to being a millionaire than Jeff Bezos is!
* * *
I'm a standup comedian. My routine is quite unique, telling crude maternal jokes while being accompanied by a cello. The name of the act is Yo-Yo Mama.
* * *
You can always tell when someone is lying just by observing them carefully. If they're posture is horizontal, they're lying; if it's vertical, they're standing up.
* * *
When I was a kid, I used to pretend to be an old-time radio announcer, using mom's colander as a microphone. But I soon gave up that game... I got tired of straining my voice.
* * *
"You say this is Himalayan rabbit stew?"
"Yep. Found him a'layin' in the middle of the road."
* * *
My brother wrote a book about all his missed opportunities. He calls it his ought-to biography.
* * *
Two blondes are standing in a field of dandelions.
First blonde: "Aren't these the things you blow to make your wish come true?"
Second blonde: "Nah, these are just dandelions. You're thinking of sugar daddies."
