Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,990
- Points
- 48
King Arthur's castle was the rudest one in England, well known for its obscene language. You could hardly blame it... it did, after all, have turrets.
Folks are supposed to get a full eight hours sleep a night, but I'm doing fine on just three! But don't take my word for it... just ask the talking cucumber in my fridge!
A man with cardiac problems happened upon the worst possible time to have a heart attack: during a game of charades.
To the person who stole my treadmill... you can run, but you won't get anywhere!
Q: What do bees do when the beekeeper moves them to a new hive?
A: Throw a house-swarming party.
My wife successfully sued for divorce because she claimed I couldn't maintain an erection. The penal system has failed me!
The man who invented the Fleshlight, to his investors: "If you build it, they will cum."
My cousin knows karate, jiu-jitsu and kung-fu but never has to fight. It's amazing how much trouble you can avoid if you have a big enough Asian vocabulary!
While many attributed the sinking of the Titanic to God's wrath, there are those who considered it to be a blessed miracle... like the live lobsters in the ship's galley, for instance.
My kids refuse to eat their vegetables and I was at my wits' end trying to think of a substitute. Finally I figured, "Why not serve rabbit!" Rabbits love eating vegetables!
Recent astronomical study has confirmed that the ancient Martians were all Jewish. The most convincing evidence: all their canals had lox.
Advanced syphilis has left me with no lips and only three teeth, but there's still an upside; my family insists I have an infectious smile!
The scientific designation for ice is H20. Amazingly, this value doesn't change even after it's cubed!
Took a French Self Defense course yesterday; it was exhausting! First exercise was to run 10 miles non-stop.
Did you know that Taylor Swift was named after a Shakespeare character? Four hundred years after, more or less.
As part of our Human Anatomy class, it was our assignment to identify all the bones in a typical skeleton using a real one for demonstration purposes. As a gag, I hid one of the arm bones; nobody found that humerus.
Bank records are supposed to be confidential. How can they possibly be when the bank employs so many tellers?
Every morning, I wake up. I think it's important to maintain a daily routine.
Q: How does one solve the puzzle of locating King Solomon's Temple?
A: It's easy, really: thoroughly search the area right above King Solomon's Ear.
I've tried every ointment and cream my doctor's recommended to fight the awful itching from Psoriasis and nothing has worked! So, I now plan to dump medical science altogether and start from scratch!
One of our downtown buildings has become a post office. Prior to this, it was just an office.
Redhead: "It's pretty wild, but true: I'd read A Tale of Two Cities' right before I gave birth to twins!"
Brunette: "Awww, that's nothing! I read 'The Three Musketeers' and directly afterward delivered triplets!"
Blonde: "OMYGOD! I gotta get to the hospital right now!"
Redhead: "How come?"
Blonde: "I just got through reading 'The Hundred and One Dalmatians'!"
* * *
Folks are supposed to get a full eight hours sleep a night, but I'm doing fine on just three! But don't take my word for it... just ask the talking cucumber in my fridge!
* * *
A man with cardiac problems happened upon the worst possible time to have a heart attack: during a game of charades.
* * *
To the person who stole my treadmill... you can run, but you won't get anywhere!
* * *
Q: What do bees do when the beekeeper moves them to a new hive?
A: Throw a house-swarming party.
* * *
My wife successfully sued for divorce because she claimed I couldn't maintain an erection. The penal system has failed me!
* * *
The man who invented the Fleshlight, to his investors: "If you build it, they will cum."
* * *
My cousin knows karate, jiu-jitsu and kung-fu but never has to fight. It's amazing how much trouble you can avoid if you have a big enough Asian vocabulary!
* * *
While many attributed the sinking of the Titanic to God's wrath, there are those who considered it to be a blessed miracle... like the live lobsters in the ship's galley, for instance.
* * *
My kids refuse to eat their vegetables and I was at my wits' end trying to think of a substitute. Finally I figured, "Why not serve rabbit!" Rabbits love eating vegetables!
* * *
Recent astronomical study has confirmed that the ancient Martians were all Jewish. The most convincing evidence: all their canals had lox.
* * *
Advanced syphilis has left me with no lips and only three teeth, but there's still an upside; my family insists I have an infectious smile!
* * *
The scientific designation for ice is H20. Amazingly, this value doesn't change even after it's cubed!
* * *
Took a French Self Defense course yesterday; it was exhausting! First exercise was to run 10 miles non-stop.
* * *
Did you know that Taylor Swift was named after a Shakespeare character? Four hundred years after, more or less.
* * *
As part of our Human Anatomy class, it was our assignment to identify all the bones in a typical skeleton using a real one for demonstration purposes. As a gag, I hid one of the arm bones; nobody found that humerus.
* * *
Bank records are supposed to be confidential. How can they possibly be when the bank employs so many tellers?
* * *
Every morning, I wake up. I think it's important to maintain a daily routine.
* * *
Q: How does one solve the puzzle of locating King Solomon's Temple?
A: It's easy, really: thoroughly search the area right above King Solomon's Ear.
* * *
I've tried every ointment and cream my doctor's recommended to fight the awful itching from Psoriasis and nothing has worked! So, I now plan to dump medical science altogether and start from scratch!
* * *
One of our downtown buildings has become a post office. Prior to this, it was just an office.
* * *
Redhead: "It's pretty wild, but true: I'd read A Tale of Two Cities' right before I gave birth to twins!"
Brunette: "Awww, that's nothing! I read 'The Three Musketeers' and directly afterward delivered triplets!"
Blonde: "OMYGOD! I gotta get to the hospital right now!"
Redhead: "How come?"
Blonde: "I just got through reading 'The Hundred and One Dalmatians'!"
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