Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
How would I describe my wife? That's easy: sex object. Every time I want sex, she objects.
Robin Hood was such an expert with the longbow, he could hit one of the Sheriff's men between the butt cheeks at 200 yards. He was the world's first crack shot.
My uncle runs the auto crusher in a recycling plant, reclaiming metal so it can be used to build new vehicles. On a spiritual level, I find this objectionable... I don't at all believe in reincarnation.
"For a relationship to succeed, you need to be frank and earnest."
"Makes sense. Do I call myself Frank with my fiancée and Earnest with my girlfriend, or the other way 'round?"
I ordered a copy of the hot new book, "1000 of the Worlds Greatest Scams". Demand must be high... after four months, I still haven't received it. On the plus side, they're coming out with a sequel: "1001 of the Worlds Greatest Scams".
Strict speakers are often tarred with the pejorative, "Grammar Nazi". But just remember... it's folks they criticize who are anti semantic.
Many naturalists believe there's no point in conserving lemmings because they just commit mass suicide anyway. I, however, disagree... I say if life gives you lemmings, you should make lemming aid.
Yogi thinks he's something special because he's smarter than the average bear. If he's so clever, he ought to know that just puts him in the upper fifty percent.
I used to be a stalker... ate celery with almost every meal.
She: "Are you stalking me?"
He: "Sorry... I don't follow."
My wife won the most amazing door prize last night: an absolutely beautiful faux diamond choker! I don't care if it is cubic zirconia... it's breathtaking!
Q: How do you order the smallest possible amount of Minestrone?
A: "Soupcon!"
Our place desperately needs reshingling, but I simply couldn't afford it... too much overhead. Then I met with a roofer and he told me the whole thing would be on the house!
Biden has commissioned a special submarine to track down sea-going child abusers. He's calling the program "Torpedoes for Pedoes".
My brother argued me into climbing Mt. McKinley, even though my dyslexia will make it difficult to master the basics of mountaineering. I reason I can just pick it up as I go, but something tells me I'm in denali.
During Superman's fight with Zod, that big model of the Earth got busted off the Daily Planet building and landed right on Jimmy Olsen. He's now in the hospital with sphere injuries.
I'm living poof the Darwin's theory is bunk. Nobody ever selected me, naturally.
Brunette: "Wanna split a donut with me?"
Blonde: "Nah, I'm too hungry. Let's split two!"
Now that I'm retired, I've decided to relax and let my hair grow. But the damn stuff won't take advantage of the opportunity!
Q: How did the flower get out of its bed?
A: It a rose.
I was applying for a position in a big multi-national corporation and the interviewer asked me to demonstrate my leadership potential.
"You bet!" I replied confidently. "I'm hired!"
A guy finds a bottle on the beach and when he pulls the cork, a genie pops out and grants him a single wish.
"That's easy!" the dude gushes. "I wanna be hung like a horse!"
The next day, his roommate finds him suspended from a very thick rope.
* * *
Robin Hood was such an expert with the longbow, he could hit one of the Sheriff's men between the butt cheeks at 200 yards. He was the world's first crack shot.
* * *
My uncle runs the auto crusher in a recycling plant, reclaiming metal so it can be used to build new vehicles. On a spiritual level, I find this objectionable... I don't at all believe in reincarnation.
* * *
"For a relationship to succeed, you need to be frank and earnest."
"Makes sense. Do I call myself Frank with my fiancée and Earnest with my girlfriend, or the other way 'round?"
* * *
I ordered a copy of the hot new book, "1000 of the Worlds Greatest Scams". Demand must be high... after four months, I still haven't received it. On the plus side, they're coming out with a sequel: "1001 of the Worlds Greatest Scams".
* * *
Strict speakers are often tarred with the pejorative, "Grammar Nazi". But just remember... it's folks they criticize who are anti semantic.
* * *
Many naturalists believe there's no point in conserving lemmings because they just commit mass suicide anyway. I, however, disagree... I say if life gives you lemmings, you should make lemming aid.
* * *
Yogi thinks he's something special because he's smarter than the average bear. If he's so clever, he ought to know that just puts him in the upper fifty percent.
* * *
I used to be a stalker... ate celery with almost every meal.
* * *
She: "Are you stalking me?"
He: "Sorry... I don't follow."
* * *
My wife won the most amazing door prize last night: an absolutely beautiful faux diamond choker! I don't care if it is cubic zirconia... it's breathtaking!
* * *
Q: How do you order the smallest possible amount of Minestrone?
A: "Soupcon!"
* * *
Our place desperately needs reshingling, but I simply couldn't afford it... too much overhead. Then I met with a roofer and he told me the whole thing would be on the house!
* * *
Biden has commissioned a special submarine to track down sea-going child abusers. He's calling the program "Torpedoes for Pedoes".
* * *
My brother argued me into climbing Mt. McKinley, even though my dyslexia will make it difficult to master the basics of mountaineering. I reason I can just pick it up as I go, but something tells me I'm in denali.
* * *
During Superman's fight with Zod, that big model of the Earth got busted off the Daily Planet building and landed right on Jimmy Olsen. He's now in the hospital with sphere injuries.
* * *
I'm living poof the Darwin's theory is bunk. Nobody ever selected me, naturally.
* * *
Brunette: "Wanna split a donut with me?"
Blonde: "Nah, I'm too hungry. Let's split two!"
* * *
Now that I'm retired, I've decided to relax and let my hair grow. But the damn stuff won't take advantage of the opportunity!
* * *
Q: How did the flower get out of its bed?
A: It a rose.
* * *
I was applying for a position in a big multi-national corporation and the interviewer asked me to demonstrate my leadership potential.
"You bet!" I replied confidently. "I'm hired!"
* * *
A guy finds a bottle on the beach and when he pulls the cork, a genie pops out and grants him a single wish.
"That's easy!" the dude gushes. "I wanna be hung like a horse!"
The next day, his roommate finds him suspended from a very thick rope.
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