Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
My wife mortified me by becoming overly emotional at a funeral service... you know, wailing and pounding on the coffin. But that was just the start... you should have heard her once she was in the crematory furnace!
I was surprised by a tap on my door. Our plumber has a wacky sense of humor.
My wife scraped all the skin off the palm of her hand. She complains that dinner's ruined; I think she has grater problems.
I had to take the battery out of my carbon monoxide detector. All that buzzing was giving me a headache and making me dizzy.
Abe Lincoln and John Kennedy are considered two of our greatest presidents. Shows you the value of an open mind.
A slovenly nun enters a saloon to solicit donations. The bartender takes one look at her threadbare clothing, pulls out a shotgun and blows her away.
The patrons are horrified. One of them gasps, "Good God, man! Whatever would provoke you to do that?!"
The bartender stares quizzically at the ratty corpse and declares, "Dunno. Must be a nasty habit."
Trump and Hillary stand before me. I hold a gun, but only a single bullet. One or the other of them will soon be president. So, who do I shoot?
Obviously... myself.
The witches from Macbeth have become umpires, and it's driving the league crazy. To them, fair is foul and foul is fair.
Penis, to condom: Cover me! I'm going in!
I've heard it said that you burn as many calories during sex as if you'd run eight miles. This I doubt! Who the hell can run eight miles in 30 seconds?
I loaned Stevie Wonder $1000. It's a lot of money, but I'm not worried... he swears he'll pay me back next time he sees me.
I cheated on my wife, Lorraine, with a lovely lass named Clairey.
Lorraine found out about it and left me. So...
I can see Clairey now; Lorraine is gone.
My Belgian roommate must have a bad chest cold. He told me that he's phlegmish.
Hive drones are such rudimentary creatures, some have been observed flying, stinging or pollenating even though they're technically dead. In this state, they're known as zom-bees.
Hitler's evil ambitions were evident even back when he operated a record store. He called it The Vinyl Solution.
I'm learning how to play a "neurotic guitar". It's like a regular acoustic guitar, only more highly strung.
Who won the presidential debate?
The Voyager Space Probe. It's heading away from Earth at 35,000 miles an hour.
I just went through my new girlfriend's closet... found nurses' clothes, a French maid outfit, a police woman's uniform, etc., etc. This girl may not be for me... she doesn't seem to be able to hold a job.
Genghis Khan was very methodical about unifying Mongolia. We went steppe by steppe.
My inventor friend is working on an invisible hat. He swears there'll be a market, but I just don't see it.
It's been argued that no woman has ever directed a successful blockbuster film. Which is ridiculous... just look at the "Matrix" trilogy!
Yesterday a librarian told me to keep it down.
Hey, she's the one stocking the Playboys!
* * *
I was surprised by a tap on my door. Our plumber has a wacky sense of humor.
* * *
My wife scraped all the skin off the palm of her hand. She complains that dinner's ruined; I think she has grater problems.
* * *
I had to take the battery out of my carbon monoxide detector. All that buzzing was giving me a headache and making me dizzy.
* * *
Abe Lincoln and John Kennedy are considered two of our greatest presidents. Shows you the value of an open mind.
* * *
A slovenly nun enters a saloon to solicit donations. The bartender takes one look at her threadbare clothing, pulls out a shotgun and blows her away.
The patrons are horrified. One of them gasps, "Good God, man! Whatever would provoke you to do that?!"
The bartender stares quizzically at the ratty corpse and declares, "Dunno. Must be a nasty habit."
* * *
Trump and Hillary stand before me. I hold a gun, but only a single bullet. One or the other of them will soon be president. So, who do I shoot?
Obviously... myself.
* * *
The witches from Macbeth have become umpires, and it's driving the league crazy. To them, fair is foul and foul is fair.
* * *
Penis, to condom: Cover me! I'm going in!
* * *
I've heard it said that you burn as many calories during sex as if you'd run eight miles. This I doubt! Who the hell can run eight miles in 30 seconds?
* * *
I loaned Stevie Wonder $1000. It's a lot of money, but I'm not worried... he swears he'll pay me back next time he sees me.
* * *
I cheated on my wife, Lorraine, with a lovely lass named Clairey.
Lorraine found out about it and left me. So...
I can see Clairey now; Lorraine is gone.
* * *
My Belgian roommate must have a bad chest cold. He told me that he's phlegmish.
* * *
Hive drones are such rudimentary creatures, some have been observed flying, stinging or pollenating even though they're technically dead. In this state, they're known as zom-bees.
* * *
Hitler's evil ambitions were evident even back when he operated a record store. He called it The Vinyl Solution.
* * *
I'm learning how to play a "neurotic guitar". It's like a regular acoustic guitar, only more highly strung.
* * *
Who won the presidential debate?
The Voyager Space Probe. It's heading away from Earth at 35,000 miles an hour.
* * *
I just went through my new girlfriend's closet... found nurses' clothes, a French maid outfit, a police woman's uniform, etc., etc. This girl may not be for me... she doesn't seem to be able to hold a job.
* * *
Genghis Khan was very methodical about unifying Mongolia. We went steppe by steppe.
* * *
My inventor friend is working on an invisible hat. He swears there'll be a market, but I just don't see it.
* * *
It's been argued that no woman has ever directed a successful blockbuster film. Which is ridiculous... just look at the "Matrix" trilogy!
* * *
Yesterday a librarian told me to keep it down.
Hey, she's the one stocking the Playboys!
