Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Daedalus suspected that his son Icarus' spicy diet would be his downfall. Sure enough, the boy succumbed to his passion for hot wings.
My boy brought me a t-shirt reading "Wrld's Best Dad!" He really needs to get on the ball and quit making elementary mistakes... we're supposed to have a thousand of these damn things on the shelves by this weekend.
Collection agent: "Sir, we'd really like you to address this bill. It's already a year old."
Debtor: "Why sure! Happy birthday, Bill!"
According to their commercial, Domino's delivers! A good thing, too... I can't stand liver on my pizza.
You may think that hair and fingernails are the only parts of your body that linger on after you expire, but you might be surprised to learn that the eyes outlast them. It's true... they dilate.
To lose weight, I plan to eat nothing but almonds for breakfast, cashews for lunch and pistachios for dinner. My wife's skeptical of this diet plan... she insists its just plain nuts.
Sushi restaurants everywhere are in crisis due to a nori shortage. Suppliers are being directed to sea kelp.
Seems that my scoundrel brother-in-law plans to evade arrest by wearing a cop uniform! I heard it from his own lips... he clearly told my wife he's going to turn himself into the police!
Can you imagine the uproar if "Blazing Saddles" was made today? People would be saying, "God dammit, I've seen this already!"
I know it's a longshot, but if you happen to notice any pesky insects that are round, flat and perforated with holes, let me know... they're evidently highly prized for breeding research. My brother said so... he told me he pays over fifty bucks for button-fly genes.
Now that the live action remakes of their classic cartoon titles are starting to fail at the box office, Disney is planning to do the opposite with famous live action features. The first one will be "Night of the Living Dead"... the whole project will be reanimated.
I've never had sex with a woman in high heels. I did wear pink bathroom slippers once.
Q: If Musk ever does make it to Mars, there'll be no coming back. So... what does that make Grimes?
A: His space-ex.
I'll have a glass of beer now and then... even light up a joint on occasion. But cocaine? That's where I draw the line.
Q: How old do you have to be to start telling Dad jokes?
A: Full groan.
I've always dreamt of becoming a millionaire like my uncle. He too dreamt of becoming a millionaire.
"When I was a youngster, my mom used to make me yummy desserts using molasses."
"Okay, if you say so. Guess that must be the tastiest part of the mole."
I tried romancing my ex-wife, but it didn't work out. She called the whole thing off when she found out I was only after my money.
He: "You sleep around much?"
She: "That's my business!"
He: "Got ya! How much you charge for a hummer?"
My dad only ever put his COVID mask on in church. His doctor told him to wear it religiously.
Running into that phone pole with a full erection has been a shattering experience! I've been laid up for three weeks with a broken nose.
Q: How does Putin intend to support his faltering war effort?
A: By becoming a powerful superhero! He'll hoist it aloft with his nuclear arms!
* * *
My boy brought me a t-shirt reading "Wrld's Best Dad!" He really needs to get on the ball and quit making elementary mistakes... we're supposed to have a thousand of these damn things on the shelves by this weekend.
* * *
Collection agent: "Sir, we'd really like you to address this bill. It's already a year old."
Debtor: "Why sure! Happy birthday, Bill!"
* * *
According to their commercial, Domino's delivers! A good thing, too... I can't stand liver on my pizza.
* * *
You may think that hair and fingernails are the only parts of your body that linger on after you expire, but you might be surprised to learn that the eyes outlast them. It's true... they dilate.
* * *
To lose weight, I plan to eat nothing but almonds for breakfast, cashews for lunch and pistachios for dinner. My wife's skeptical of this diet plan... she insists its just plain nuts.
* * *
Sushi restaurants everywhere are in crisis due to a nori shortage. Suppliers are being directed to sea kelp.
* * *
Seems that my scoundrel brother-in-law plans to evade arrest by wearing a cop uniform! I heard it from his own lips... he clearly told my wife he's going to turn himself into the police!
* * *
Can you imagine the uproar if "Blazing Saddles" was made today? People would be saying, "God dammit, I've seen this already!"
* * *
I know it's a longshot, but if you happen to notice any pesky insects that are round, flat and perforated with holes, let me know... they're evidently highly prized for breeding research. My brother said so... he told me he pays over fifty bucks for button-fly genes.
* * *
Now that the live action remakes of their classic cartoon titles are starting to fail at the box office, Disney is planning to do the opposite with famous live action features. The first one will be "Night of the Living Dead"... the whole project will be reanimated.
* * *
I've never had sex with a woman in high heels. I did wear pink bathroom slippers once.
* * *
Q: If Musk ever does make it to Mars, there'll be no coming back. So... what does that make Grimes?
A: His space-ex.
* * *
I'll have a glass of beer now and then... even light up a joint on occasion. But cocaine? That's where I draw the line.
* * *
Q: How old do you have to be to start telling Dad jokes?
A: Full groan.
* * *
I've always dreamt of becoming a millionaire like my uncle. He too dreamt of becoming a millionaire.
* * *
"When I was a youngster, my mom used to make me yummy desserts using molasses."
"Okay, if you say so. Guess that must be the tastiest part of the mole."
* * *
I tried romancing my ex-wife, but it didn't work out. She called the whole thing off when she found out I was only after my money.
* * *
He: "You sleep around much?"
She: "That's my business!"
He: "Got ya! How much you charge for a hummer?"
* * *
My dad only ever put his COVID mask on in church. His doctor told him to wear it religiously.
* * *
Running into that phone pole with a full erection has been a shattering experience! I've been laid up for three weeks with a broken nose.
* * *
Q: How does Putin intend to support his faltering war effort?
A: By becoming a powerful superhero! He'll hoist it aloft with his nuclear arms!
