Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
I used to deal drugs, but have given up that slimy profession to become a tailor. My new motto: no mind altering.
At wine or cheese tastings, always take along a flask of turpentine. It's an ideal palette cleanser.
My HP computer printer died on me today. Quite the sad occasion... it's been like a Brother to me.
If Queen Elizabeth farts during a state affair, don't expect anyone to acknowledge it; noble gasses scarcely ever get a reaction.
According to statistics, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
My English teacher hasn't graded my essay yet. But she will, mark my words.
If you ever develop constipation during an African cruise, just leave the ship. After that, you'll be in continent.
I'm a theoretical physicist, but no one will hire me. How can they ignore my three theoretical degrees?
My ex left me because I was constantly trying to get into her pants. In retrospect, I can't blame her: she wore a 30, while I was size 44.
During rush hour, my wife wound up behind a delivery van loaded with a shipment of gin products. Trust her to pick the sloe lane!
One of the hillbillies killed in the Hatfield/McCoy feud has been found inhabiting the body of a 4 year old child. It's a genuine case of reintarnation.
My wife promised to make Beef Wellington for dinner. Well, she really knew what she was doing; it sure tasted lake an old boot.
Q: Sartre, Keirkegaard and Nietzsche walk into a restaurant and ordered omelets. Why did they choose that dish?
A: Because it's eggs essential.
If you come over to my place, you'll always find the curtains drawn. There aren't any other real furnishings in the apartment, either.
Don't order Pelican Curry without carefully checking the menu... the bill will be outlandish.
I consider myself to be a cosmopolitan. Why not? I'm constantly full of Vodka and cranberry juice.
The crowbar was invented in the 1400s. Prior to that, crows had to drink at home.
I called my wife zymotic; she told me I was a zyzzyva. Damn it, she always gets in the last word!
P.T. Barnum and Michael Jackson lived in entirely different centuries, but they had this much in common: they both believed there was a sucker born every minute.
Our Trigonometry professor's suddenly started speaking gibberish! Quick, find someone who understands sine language!
The swordfish is swift and athletic, one of the most robust animals in the sea. It has few rivals... the mightiest of these is the modest, rather unassuming penfish.
Idealist: "If we could only get everyone on Earth to join hands and form a ring clear around the world, image what it would do for the human race!"
Realist: "I can. 70 percent of it would drown."
* * *
At wine or cheese tastings, always take along a flask of turpentine. It's an ideal palette cleanser.
* * *
My HP computer printer died on me today. Quite the sad occasion... it's been like a Brother to me.
* * *
If Queen Elizabeth farts during a state affair, don't expect anyone to acknowledge it; noble gasses scarcely ever get a reaction.
* * *
According to statistics, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
* * *
My English teacher hasn't graded my essay yet. But she will, mark my words.
* * *
If you ever develop constipation during an African cruise, just leave the ship. After that, you'll be in continent.
* * *
I'm a theoretical physicist, but no one will hire me. How can they ignore my three theoretical degrees?
* * *
My ex left me because I was constantly trying to get into her pants. In retrospect, I can't blame her: she wore a 30, while I was size 44.
* * *
During rush hour, my wife wound up behind a delivery van loaded with a shipment of gin products. Trust her to pick the sloe lane!
* * *
One of the hillbillies killed in the Hatfield/McCoy feud has been found inhabiting the body of a 4 year old child. It's a genuine case of reintarnation.
* * *
My wife promised to make Beef Wellington for dinner. Well, she really knew what she was doing; it sure tasted lake an old boot.
* * *
Q: Sartre, Keirkegaard and Nietzsche walk into a restaurant and ordered omelets. Why did they choose that dish?
A: Because it's eggs essential.
* * *
If you come over to my place, you'll always find the curtains drawn. There aren't any other real furnishings in the apartment, either.
* * *
Don't order Pelican Curry without carefully checking the menu... the bill will be outlandish.
* * *
I consider myself to be a cosmopolitan. Why not? I'm constantly full of Vodka and cranberry juice.
* * *
The crowbar was invented in the 1400s. Prior to that, crows had to drink at home.
* * *
I called my wife zymotic; she told me I was a zyzzyva. Damn it, she always gets in the last word!
* * *
P.T. Barnum and Michael Jackson lived in entirely different centuries, but they had this much in common: they both believed there was a sucker born every minute.
* * *
Our Trigonometry professor's suddenly started speaking gibberish! Quick, find someone who understands sine language!
* * *
The swordfish is swift and athletic, one of the most robust animals in the sea. It has few rivals... the mightiest of these is the modest, rather unassuming penfish.
* * *
Idealist: "If we could only get everyone on Earth to join hands and form a ring clear around the world, image what it would do for the human race!"
Realist: "I can. 70 percent of it would drown."
