Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Two blondes are attending a yard sale. One of them examines a secondhand mirror and exclaims, "Hey, I think I know the gal in this picture."
The other bends down to have a look, then returns, "Of course you do, goofball! It's a picture of me!"
During our local talent competition, I absolutely killed it onstage! In my defense, I hate following animal acts.
Folks griped when the 4H kids started demonstrating an electric cattle prod. They claimed it was there strictly for shock value.
The lumber yard I work for is tiny. To be fair, it's just a branch office.
Q: Which word becomes shorter after you add two letters?
A: Short.
When petting starts to get serious, lovers often progress to French kissing. It's like regular kissing but with more tongue action. Personally, I prefer Australian kissing... it's similar to French kissing, but down under.
Brunette: "I wanted to build a time machine so I could visit the past, but after 10 years of work I've wound up right back where I started."
Blonde: "Yay! It must have worked!"
I took my girl to see her first R-rated film, but it didn't go so well: apparently the sex was far too intense. It must have been... the rest of the audience had us thrown out.
Bouncer: "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave, sir."
Drunk: "Yeah? Why's that?"
Bouncer: "Because I have no idea who you are, how you got into my backyard or why you decided to join me on my trampoline."
Don't you just love opening birthday cards? It's especially nice when you find that some kind soul has included money as a gift! Man, this postman gig is paying off bigtime!
If ever you find yourself lost in the woods and need to start a fire, look for two pieces of wood to rub together. Try your best to find a pair that are exactly the same size... then you'll have a match!
I've collected butterflies for the past ten years, but I've had enough of that. From now on, I'll collect coins... the change will do me good.
Q: What would you call a one-eared man driving his Honda Odyssey at 90 miles an hour?
A: Van Go.
In spite of my sister's accusations, it was never me that messed with her Barbie Dolls. But my GI Joe's did, every time they were on furlough.
Salesman: "Ma'am, this new vacuum cleaner will cut your workload in half!"
Blonde: "Great! I'll take two!"
I just saw a sign outside our local hardware store stating: "Cast iron sinks". This is useless information... no sane person would ever try to use one of those tiny tubs as a boat.
Hear about the butcher who ground up hog tails to make his sausage? Folks were outraged, but that really isn't fair... he was only trying to make ends meat.
Our town fortune teller can see not only the futures of people but of certain kinds of trees as well. Turns out she's a palm reader.
Julius Caesar was knocked from his horse by an enemy spear. When he woke up in the field hospital, he was flummoxed to see a needle sticking out of his arm.
"What's this for?" he groggily questioned the nurse.
"In a sense, yes," the nurse returned. "It's your IV."
I got drunk last Sunday and made a pass at my girlfriend's mother. Needless to say, she's furious.
"How could you?" she screamed. "That football went right through mom's kitchen window!"
Plumber: "Al's Plumbing Service. How can I help you?"
Home owner: "I gotta leak in my sink."
Plumber: "Go right ahead. I'll wait."
Brunette: "How many states are there in the US?"
Blonde: "One."
Brunette: "Don't be a ninny! There are 50!"
Blonde: "So they say, but there's only one we can be sure about."
Brunette: "Oh lord, what are you on about now?"
Blonde: "Just repeating the wise old saying: 'There's nothing certain in life except death and Texas'!"
The other bends down to have a look, then returns, "Of course you do, goofball! It's a picture of me!"
* * *
During our local talent competition, I absolutely killed it onstage! In my defense, I hate following animal acts.
* * *
Folks griped when the 4H kids started demonstrating an electric cattle prod. They claimed it was there strictly for shock value.
* * *
The lumber yard I work for is tiny. To be fair, it's just a branch office.
* * *
Q: Which word becomes shorter after you add two letters?
A: Short.
* * *
When petting starts to get serious, lovers often progress to French kissing. It's like regular kissing but with more tongue action. Personally, I prefer Australian kissing... it's similar to French kissing, but down under.
* * *
Brunette: "I wanted to build a time machine so I could visit the past, but after 10 years of work I've wound up right back where I started."
Blonde: "Yay! It must have worked!"
* * *
I took my girl to see her first R-rated film, but it didn't go so well: apparently the sex was far too intense. It must have been... the rest of the audience had us thrown out.
* * *
Bouncer: "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave, sir."
Drunk: "Yeah? Why's that?"
Bouncer: "Because I have no idea who you are, how you got into my backyard or why you decided to join me on my trampoline."
* * *
Don't you just love opening birthday cards? It's especially nice when you find that some kind soul has included money as a gift! Man, this postman gig is paying off bigtime!
* * *
If ever you find yourself lost in the woods and need to start a fire, look for two pieces of wood to rub together. Try your best to find a pair that are exactly the same size... then you'll have a match!
* * *
I've collected butterflies for the past ten years, but I've had enough of that. From now on, I'll collect coins... the change will do me good.
* * *
Q: What would you call a one-eared man driving his Honda Odyssey at 90 miles an hour?
A: Van Go.
* * *
In spite of my sister's accusations, it was never me that messed with her Barbie Dolls. But my GI Joe's did, every time they were on furlough.
* * *
Salesman: "Ma'am, this new vacuum cleaner will cut your workload in half!"
Blonde: "Great! I'll take two!"
* * *
I just saw a sign outside our local hardware store stating: "Cast iron sinks". This is useless information... no sane person would ever try to use one of those tiny tubs as a boat.
* * *
Hear about the butcher who ground up hog tails to make his sausage? Folks were outraged, but that really isn't fair... he was only trying to make ends meat.
* * *
Our town fortune teller can see not only the futures of people but of certain kinds of trees as well. Turns out she's a palm reader.
* * *
Julius Caesar was knocked from his horse by an enemy spear. When he woke up in the field hospital, he was flummoxed to see a needle sticking out of his arm.
"What's this for?" he groggily questioned the nurse.
"In a sense, yes," the nurse returned. "It's your IV."
* * *
I got drunk last Sunday and made a pass at my girlfriend's mother. Needless to say, she's furious.
"How could you?" she screamed. "That football went right through mom's kitchen window!"
* * *
Plumber: "Al's Plumbing Service. How can I help you?"
Home owner: "I gotta leak in my sink."
Plumber: "Go right ahead. I'll wait."
* * *
Brunette: "How many states are there in the US?"
Blonde: "One."
Brunette: "Don't be a ninny! There are 50!"
Blonde: "So they say, but there's only one we can be sure about."
Brunette: "Oh lord, what are you on about now?"
Blonde: "Just repeating the wise old saying: 'There's nothing certain in life except death and Texas'!"
