Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
My nephew busted into a downtown letter box to search for valuable mail, but the door slammed shut behind him, trapping him inside. He shrieked at the police that he was claustrophobic and begged to know how soon they could get him out... they said they'd keep him posted.
In his lifetime, Chuck Norris has never been able to watch paint dry. The paint keeps wetting itself.
I was a cat burglar in my youth, but eventually gave it up. Not because of religion or the love of a good woman... too many of the damn things bit me.
Q: What do you call a shell with no snail inside?
A: Less cargo.
News reports say that fossil fuels are wrecking the environment. I therefore syphoned all the gas out of my dad's gas tank and burned it in the backyard! Just doin' my bit to help out!
The 2019 live action remake of the animated film "Dumbo" didn't lose any money but also didn't make any profit. As far as Disney's bottom line was concerned, it was an ear-elephant production.
My little boy really enjoys playing with Lego blocks. However, they're so expensive, I can't afford to buy him more than a few every year. It surprised me then when I checked his supply and found his toy box jammed full of Lego bricks, more than I've ever seen! How did he get them? Where did they come from? I just don't know what to make of them!
Lex Luthor: "There goes Superman, soaring off to foil another of my super-schemes! Why oh why can't I figure out who he is in real life?"
Henchman: "Duh, 'cause, boss... he's in da skies."
I've considered consulting a psychiatrist about the many suppressed memories concerning my father. What could dad possibly have done to make me blot out whole sections of my life? Beats me!
Customer: "I want a fancy goldfish!"
Pet shop owner: "Yes, sir. Do you need an aquarium?"
Customer: "I don't care what his star sign is; I don't believe in that crap."
Last time I paid a visit to my doctor's office, I noticed a cabinet marked "Fecal Collection". Hey, I've been saving my boogers since I was a kid, so who am I to judge.
Cow #1: "Mooooo!"
Cow #2: "Wow, Henry! I was about to say the exact same thing!"
I used to jog on the athletic track back when I attended high school, but I soon quit. It just wasn't getting me anywhere.
At the age of one, Jesus was performing practice miracles. His favorite was turning water into whine.
I had no idea how much honey meant to England! It's so important, a special detachment of Royal Guards has been tasked with ensuring that the hives never go hungry. It's known as the Bee Feeders.
Chuck Norris doesn't eat honey out of jars; he chews it out of bees.
I'm not ashamed of it... me and my whole family are cannibals. Matter for fact, after my grandad passed away, we simmered his body in special spices for 24 hours, then served him stuffed with saffron rice. It's an old family recipe.
Apple is testing robot dogs in Mexico as we speak! The prototype is quite small, though larger models will follow. Technicians call it iChihuahua.
We had a surprise drug test at my place of work. My results came back clean, so I'm not in any trouble. My dealer, however, has much to answer for.
Schrodinger brings a box to the vet. Inside the box is his pet cat. The vet examines the box thoroughly, then turns to Schrodinger, saying, "Well, I have some good news and some bad news..."
It's critical that none of our top military officers suffer from dyslexia. You never know how they might react to an unclear threat.
England lost its head of state this week and I was ready to accept it as a sad inevitability. However, I've recently gotten word from friends in Canada, Australia and New Zealand that they've also just lost their heads of state... now it's starting to look like a conspiracy.
* * *
In his lifetime, Chuck Norris has never been able to watch paint dry. The paint keeps wetting itself.
* * *
I was a cat burglar in my youth, but eventually gave it up. Not because of religion or the love of a good woman... too many of the damn things bit me.
* * *
Q: What do you call a shell with no snail inside?
A: Less cargo.
* * *
News reports say that fossil fuels are wrecking the environment. I therefore syphoned all the gas out of my dad's gas tank and burned it in the backyard! Just doin' my bit to help out!
* * *
The 2019 live action remake of the animated film "Dumbo" didn't lose any money but also didn't make any profit. As far as Disney's bottom line was concerned, it was an ear-elephant production.
* * *
My little boy really enjoys playing with Lego blocks. However, they're so expensive, I can't afford to buy him more than a few every year. It surprised me then when I checked his supply and found his toy box jammed full of Lego bricks, more than I've ever seen! How did he get them? Where did they come from? I just don't know what to make of them!
* * *
Lex Luthor: "There goes Superman, soaring off to foil another of my super-schemes! Why oh why can't I figure out who he is in real life?"
Henchman: "Duh, 'cause, boss... he's in da skies."
* * *
I've considered consulting a psychiatrist about the many suppressed memories concerning my father. What could dad possibly have done to make me blot out whole sections of my life? Beats me!
* * *
Customer: "I want a fancy goldfish!"
Pet shop owner: "Yes, sir. Do you need an aquarium?"
Customer: "I don't care what his star sign is; I don't believe in that crap."
* * *
Last time I paid a visit to my doctor's office, I noticed a cabinet marked "Fecal Collection". Hey, I've been saving my boogers since I was a kid, so who am I to judge.
* * *
Cow #1: "Mooooo!"
Cow #2: "Wow, Henry! I was about to say the exact same thing!"
* * *
I used to jog on the athletic track back when I attended high school, but I soon quit. It just wasn't getting me anywhere.
* * *
At the age of one, Jesus was performing practice miracles. His favorite was turning water into whine.
* * *
I had no idea how much honey meant to England! It's so important, a special detachment of Royal Guards has been tasked with ensuring that the hives never go hungry. It's known as the Bee Feeders.
* * *
Chuck Norris doesn't eat honey out of jars; he chews it out of bees.
* * *
I'm not ashamed of it... me and my whole family are cannibals. Matter for fact, after my grandad passed away, we simmered his body in special spices for 24 hours, then served him stuffed with saffron rice. It's an old family recipe.
* * *
Apple is testing robot dogs in Mexico as we speak! The prototype is quite small, though larger models will follow. Technicians call it iChihuahua.
* * *
We had a surprise drug test at my place of work. My results came back clean, so I'm not in any trouble. My dealer, however, has much to answer for.
* * *
Schrodinger brings a box to the vet. Inside the box is his pet cat. The vet examines the box thoroughly, then turns to Schrodinger, saying, "Well, I have some good news and some bad news..."
* * *
It's critical that none of our top military officers suffer from dyslexia. You never know how they might react to an unclear threat.
* * *
England lost its head of state this week and I was ready to accept it as a sad inevitability. However, I've recently gotten word from friends in Canada, Australia and New Zealand that they've also just lost their heads of state... now it's starting to look like a conspiracy.
