c7_assassin
3rd Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Jun 24, 2007
- Messages
- 8,720
- Points
- 0
Sometimes the rats just won't stop orgying each other behind the walls; sometimes the centipedes won't stop skittering over your face to nibble your eyelashes; sometimes your caged runaway won't stop crying. Bottom line, there are some nights when sleep just doesn't seem like an option. But don't reach for the morphine just yet, you dead-eyed junkie; you can try any of these fun activities to make the endless, godless night pass a little quicker.
1) Alphabetize your DVD's. If you're like me, this will be a Herculean effort which, depending on the care and competence with which you assembled your shelves, may require considerable physical strength and mental dexterity. For example, which should rightfully come first, 3:10 to Yuma or 20 000 Leagues Under the Sea? Technically 310 is a smaller number than 20 000, maybe we only count the '3' and the '2'. See, already you're having boatloads of goddamn fun.
2) Cook a fancy gourmet meal. Did you know you burn ten times as many calories just being awake as you do when you're asleep? I just made that up, but in the time it took you to read that lie you probably burned at least a few, so I think you deserve to reward yourself. This idea may require a trip to an all-night grocery store, which is perfect because there's no one sadder than people working night shift at a grocery store, and observing sad people has been scientifically proven to cure insomnia. (Got you again! Feel those pounds melting away?) For your own peace of mind, you probably shouldn't think too hard about what you'd do if you were trapped in a dead end job with nothing but perishable food items on which to vent your frustration. Statistically speaking, anyone who's ever shopped at an all-night grocery has consumed more semen than the derelicts who beg outside it.
3) Re-alphabetize your DVD's. Only this time use a completely different system. How about the director's last name? Or screw the alphabet; why not organize according to the hotness of the third lead, or the number of minutes devoted to car chases? Let those creative juices flow, much like gallons of semen gushing from the hips of the angry shelf-stockers at Metro Groceries.
4) Slip into the night and indulge your darkest impulses. You have no idea how liberating this can be. Become a shadow; a wraith; a terrible thought in the mind of your enemy. You are the unseen force that fills the nightmares of children, and your prey will never see your true form until it is too late. Much too late. And a simple Gypsy curse at the moment of death ensures that the vengeful spirits are safely trapped within inanimate objects and unable to haunt you. It's win-win!
5) Flee from police. Okay, you may not have been as invisible as you thought. It turns out wearing a bat costume on city streets is actually more likely to draw attention than deflect it. Once you hear sirens, the last thing you want to do is return home; scent dogs can follow a blood trail like you wouldn't believe. Never fear; you can hide out at the all-night grocery! Disguise yourself as a cantaloupe; within minutes you'll be coated in so much semen, the dogs will be worse than useless. And come morning, you'll start a new life in a fancy stranger's pantry. Success!
1) Alphabetize your DVD's. If you're like me, this will be a Herculean effort which, depending on the care and competence with which you assembled your shelves, may require considerable physical strength and mental dexterity. For example, which should rightfully come first, 3:10 to Yuma or 20 000 Leagues Under the Sea? Technically 310 is a smaller number than 20 000, maybe we only count the '3' and the '2'. See, already you're having boatloads of goddamn fun.
2) Cook a fancy gourmet meal. Did you know you burn ten times as many calories just being awake as you do when you're asleep? I just made that up, but in the time it took you to read that lie you probably burned at least a few, so I think you deserve to reward yourself. This idea may require a trip to an all-night grocery store, which is perfect because there's no one sadder than people working night shift at a grocery store, and observing sad people has been scientifically proven to cure insomnia. (Got you again! Feel those pounds melting away?) For your own peace of mind, you probably shouldn't think too hard about what you'd do if you were trapped in a dead end job with nothing but perishable food items on which to vent your frustration. Statistically speaking, anyone who's ever shopped at an all-night grocery has consumed more semen than the derelicts who beg outside it.
3) Re-alphabetize your DVD's. Only this time use a completely different system. How about the director's last name? Or screw the alphabet; why not organize according to the hotness of the third lead, or the number of minutes devoted to car chases? Let those creative juices flow, much like gallons of semen gushing from the hips of the angry shelf-stockers at Metro Groceries.
4) Slip into the night and indulge your darkest impulses. You have no idea how liberating this can be. Become a shadow; a wraith; a terrible thought in the mind of your enemy. You are the unseen force that fills the nightmares of children, and your prey will never see your true form until it is too late. Much too late. And a simple Gypsy curse at the moment of death ensures that the vengeful spirits are safely trapped within inanimate objects and unable to haunt you. It's win-win!
5) Flee from police. Okay, you may not have been as invisible as you thought. It turns out wearing a bat costume on city streets is actually more likely to draw attention than deflect it. Once you hear sirens, the last thing you want to do is return home; scent dogs can follow a blood trail like you wouldn't believe. Never fear; you can hide out at the all-night grocery! Disguise yourself as a cantaloupe; within minutes you'll be coated in so much semen, the dogs will be worse than useless. And come morning, you'll start a new life in a fancy stranger's pantry. Success!
