Getting Burned By Internet Relationships

[subtle_feather]

This began as a response to Ikaiyoo's thread about a recent experience of his, but I realized midway through that I was writing about something more general, so I thought I would make a new thread.

I'd love to hear some other perspectives on this topic, and here's mine:

I think it is not at all advisable to get emotionally involved with someone before you have actually met and spent time with them. Of course, the TMF (and other sites like it) is a good place to meet someone you would like to date, but I think the dating part still belongs in the real world.

There are a lot of people in the world who have a lot to share with a loving partner whom they haven't yet found. The internet provides us with a strange opportunity to get to know someone rapidly in a somewhat unreal environment. What I mean by unreal is that the internet is tangentially connected with reality, and may even lead to talking on the phone or skype, which is even closer to reality, but nothing can compare with face-to-face interaction.

When we get to know people this way, it is easy to feel close to someone who, if we stop to think for a moment, we really don't know very well. I love making friends on this forum, but I realize I only know a part of them until we've actually hung out. I could tell you the life history of a few of my closer friends here, for example, but I have no idea how they take their coffee, whether or not they like to dance, how they treat waiters, or whether or not they believe in God. Even if I knew all those things, I would argue that, generally, there are certain aspects of character that are extremely difficult to ascertain from afar.

I'm not saying this to admonish anyone, only to suggest caution. The emotions that you begin to experience when you let your guard down and decide that the person you are with is someone whom you could love are powerful indeed, and they beat insistently inside us, yearning to be set free.

If we let ourselves off the leash too early and things don't go as planned, we are forced to endure the pain of stuffing those emotions back into ourselves, which is something I would not wish upon anyone.

I have the mental image of a Care Bear trying to stuff its goodwill back into its tummy. Don't be a sad Care Bear.

 

[TicklerChampion]

Wow. That honestly couldn't have been put any better. Nice work subtle, you have my applause.

 

[♡AimLEE♡]

I think you brought up some pretty good points.
Human interaction is what makes connections so much stronger.
The whole internet dating thing... been there, done that.
I believe the reason it never worked for me was because I never could make that strong connection with them without meeting them face to face ... which half the time I could never bring myself to do because they only know me from the internet.
I don't doubt the whole system though. People have met their soulmates through the internet.

However, while I believe internet dating is something that can hard to connect on a more personal level ... I can admit I've had strong feelings for someone I met on the internet and they were just as strong as for previous crushes I had in RL.

I dunno.
I'm struggling to get my thoughts together on this topic.

 

[Snail Shell]

I think it is not at all advisable to get emotionally involved with someone before you have actually met and spent time with them.

This.

I think you can look forward to meeting someone that you met online, but I would never say "I have feelings for you" to anyone without meeting them in the flesh first.

Snail Shell

 

[Adam]

Personally, I think it's fine to have feelings for someone you've met online. But not to the degree of going overboard by telling someone that you love them, of course. I tend to tread as carefully as I can. I look for signals if I believe potential is there and I may well say so if I'm pretty sure. If a relationship has progressed beyond the internet and leads to the phone, suggesting a meeting is not out of the question. Good thread, by the way.

 

[ticklemepls]

ok so i somewhat agree and disagree with this....

you cannot truely know someone online to the full extent of being with someone in person... HOWEVER... i think it all depends on how you communicate with the person via talking, email, video.... eventually things come up and you get to know them little by little...

That being said i also know many people who have found someone online and they are very happy and content.... things work out... its different for everyone...

those are my two cents 🙂

 

[tkpatience]

Part of the benefits of communicating over the internet is that one can maintain their anonymity.

I wholeheartedly agree with you that face-to-face interactions will always trump other not so direct lines of communication. A lot of communication is nonverbal which is hard to pick up on.

I have nothing against the TMF. I think it's an awesome place to interact with people.

It's funny because in a strange way TMF allows us to view previews and vids of 'tickling' related materials but the trade off to the convenience is that the money and we spend on it would prevent us from hiring a real life model or better yet participating in face-to-face interactions to gain close relationships with the people we care for and would like to care for. Which could also mean a reduction of chances to find an intimate partner in real life.

The more technology enables us to communicate; the farther it also seems that it pushes us apart.

 

[Ghris]

Personally, I think it's one thing to know someone over the internet and something totally different to know someone in real life.

Even on two different methods of communication on the Internet, people can act totally differently; I actually did my A2 level English coursework on this subject. The anonimity provided by the Internet brings out the worst in a great many people - see also, 4Chan - yet brings out better stuff in others. Sadly, this can also lead to people being somewhat more talkative or open online, which while great for building up a rapport with someone, often leads to disappointment in real life. My personal theory is that we each build up an online persona - subconsciously, almost - which behaves in a fairly different way to how we normally do. It may be more feminine or more masculine, it may be more or less talkative, more or less affectionate and so on. You can get to know someone over the Internet, but you won't necessarily know them as well offline...

Humans are social beings; we belong with each other. Not miles away talking over the Internet.

On the topic of actual relationships online, I don't agree with them. It isn't a relationship until you've met in person, IMO. I've been in a long distance relationship due to meeting someone online before, we decided not to go out till we'd met each other - and we were both so different in person. We worked, yeah, and there were a lot of similarities to our online "personas" but still fairly different... though we did end up together for about 13 months.

While things can work in a long distance relationship using the Internet to talk, they still need actual physical contact, the two people do actually need to meet.

EDIT: Meet fairly often.

 

[lemoncake]

I just don't get internet relationships. Its too easy for someone to lie, even if you talk to them on the phone, or just meet them once. You don't know the person, or their friends or family; you don't really know them. All you know is just some things they type on the screen.

 

[Marquis De Sade]

It can start online but has to move onto the phone and/or in person pretty damn fast. *shrugs* Whatev.

 

[Musicroxmysox]

Having been involved with two relationships from the internet, I agree a word of caution is nice.

It's great to meet someone and talk online, but it's a whole other ball game being together in person. You really don't know someone till you've spent time with them in the real world. The internet makes is easy for us to chat and open up sometimes, but if someone is very different in real life from what they portray online things could be very different.

I mean in theory we should all try to be the same people we are online in person, but that doesn't always happen.

 

[Sharkiegirl]

Big old chunk of text here, heh

I see where you're coming from, and agree with you on many points, but there are also some things I would like to add. Seeing that I have met someone online I love to death, I am obviously biased, but there are some things that I think are definitely positive about meeting someone online, especially on a forum which is a gathering of people who have a similar interest such as this one. First off, I think that meeting online takes away a certain level of superficiality. When I started talking to Jay, I had no clue what he looked like: I fell in love with his beliefs, his sense of humor, his straightforwardness, and unmatched kindness and understanding when I needed it most. The online community setting also gave me the ability to share the same circle of friends that HAD met him in person many times and knew he truly was everything he portrayed himself to be. We talked for a couple weeks before I saw him and the fact that I found him very cute just added to the fact that I loved everything I knew so far about his thoughts and feelings. I didn't base my first interaction on the fact that he was attractive, but the values that will really last: kindness, a sense of humor, etc. unlike quite a few face to face first interactions of, "wow, he/she is hot". I also think that I feel much more comfortable typing the most personal aspects about me for the first time, rather than having a face to face conversation. In the second instance, most people worry about what they look like, what that face he's making means, etc. and this nervousness has a HUGE affect on how one relates with and converses with the second party, and causes you to limit what you disclose. Chatting online at the early stages of a friendship (the first week or two) has led me to tell my significant other things I have never felt comfortable telling anyone face to face, but once he knew (and he ONLY knew these things early on because typing it out let me process my thoughts, and gave me the courage to disclose highly emotional and personal things) I could discuss these personal issues with him easily and without fear. It gives you a certain separation at the very beginning that I feel makes many people more comfortable with sharing their feelings. While physical interaction is hugely important in a relationship, online relationships also limit relationships that are entirely about sex. You're not spending months and months, possibly up to years chatting online, skyping, calling, or emailing someone every day, almost all day, if you don't truly appreciate their personality over your mindblowing sexcapades together. It just wouldn't last in a long term online/long distance relationship if that's what it was all about. Sure, you have to spend time in person with someone before you go off and live together, get married. To think otherwise would be idiotic. And sure, throwing your heart into a relationship with someone may be risky when you haven't met in person, but I feel there is a large risk in falling in love with someone you meet in Starbucks as well. There is always a risk of getting hurt, or losing someone you love, and if you happen to be far away from that person and communicating via IM's, and phone calls, and web cams, so be it. I know for a fact that my guy could pretty much answer all those questions and more about all of the people he truly cares for on the forum, because of how much he's communicated with them in all contexts. For me, it takes a good long while before that happens, and I know who you are as a person before I consider what we have a "close relationship" It truly depends on how you relate with people, and when it comes down to it, it's about what YOU PERSONALLY require from a true "relationship". I agree that precautions have to be taken, and both sides have to be mature about the situation, and what they expect from it. This ISN'T FOR EVERYONE. The relationship I am in is temporarily a long distance one, which forces it to be online for the moment. But, I do not believe that it is any less valid than any other long distance relationship in which both parties have met. We have already discussed at length that when the current obligation of taking care of my grandmother is complete, my previous plan to move away from the East coast coincides perfectly with having the ability to move closer to his area so I can be with him. This, along with any other life-changing decision, is nothing we take lightly, and we are both responsible enough to know that just like any other relationship, we have to take things step by step. In conclusion many of the points above are 100% valid, but be it in a romantic context or just a close online friend, there are also many positives that can be had from a relationship that starts online.

 

[alchemy]

Let me just add one thing

Fuck internet dating.

Thank you.

 

[JoBelle]

Interesting topic.

I have found that the friendships I've had that began online were, and still are, some of my most treasured. Probably because I've met individuals that echo a part of my personality that I haven't found often in day to day life. And in that, they pull from me things that I otherwise wouldn't experience or have the chances to enjoy. The hard part for me has been returning to online communication after the fact. It's like the return trip home after sightseeing at some glorious locale. You know it, you like it, but the urgency and anticipation that drove the "next step" in the relationship is suddenly gone and replaced with a comfort and familiarity that you can't fully grasp on a screen or a phone. Honestly, I've never searched for a relationship beyond that, so I guess my thoughts are different than someone "looking for love."

To quote a friend I'd love to see again sooner than later.....Geography Sucks!

There is one particular online pal that I've not had facetime with....and that might be the exception to everything I've written....but in a very different way I'm sure. That one I just want to leash and treat like a puppy anyway. HeHe!

Ah well, whatever my rambling just were....I hope each persons gets what they are seeking when they start getting to know someone online. IT's not boring, that's for certain!

 

[JoBelle]

BTW, hope you're not a sad Care Bear, SF!

 

[ElFewja]

Hm.

I have a bit of a troubled past, that I just can't relate to people, face to face. I've tried, and I would sit there for hours, opening my mouth, starting, and then closing it again, looking like a damned fool.

It's... shit that I can actually talk about, on a screen. Because someone isn't there, right when I'm saying it, looking at me, judging me. I know it's just a mental thing, but I can't talk about things from a few years ago in person...

So, that being said, and in addition to me being a quiet, and as I am told creepy, person outside of the net, I can actually disassociate from that and be a real person on the net.

Hm. But as far as relationships go, I dunno. It's not something I would say is set in stone. But then, what is?

Etc

 

[subtle_feather]

Wow. That honestly couldn't have been put any better. Nice work subtle, you have my applause.

Thank you very much. That's kind of you to say.

I think you can look forward to meeting someone that you met online, but I would never say "I have feelings for you" to anyone without meeting them in the flesh first.

Snail Shell

I think this is a safe way to go about things, trying to bring it into the real world as soon as it seems appropriate.

My personal theory is that we each build up an online persona - subconsciously, almost - which behaves in a fairly different way to how we normally do.

I think this is right. People don't often make a conscious effort to misrepresent themselves, but it is easy to misrepresent yourself in the two-dimensional world of the internet without really meaning to.

To quote a friend I'd love to see again sooner than later.....Geography Sucks!

It sure does...

BTW, hope you're not a sad Care Bear, SF!

At the moment my care bear tummy is feeling fine, thanks 🙂

 

[DancesWithBiker]

I've recently learned another major disappointment that can come out of on-line relationships: the ***********sque persona! I fancy myself at being a pretty shrewd netizen--don't easily get taken in by huge breasted models trying to pull Nigerian 419 scams on me--however, it's looking like I didn't anticipate the motives of someone cut from the same cloth as ol' Dave *******, and was almost completely taken in for years!! Once I get to the bottom of this I'm going come back and post a new thread. Maybe in the meantime I'll blog about it.
The short answer: turn the smallest amount of doubt you have about anyone on-line to complete suspicion!

 

[Leo tickles]

Been there, done that.

Online relationships, to me, are worthless. Oh look, pixels on a screen. Oh look, a person who I'll see once or twice and then.... keep spending money to see them, or move in after a few months.. and two meetings. I understand that a real connection can happen and things won't always go like that for some people, but for me, that is what happened 95% of the time.

The other 5%? I was better off with pixels.

 

[kopfhorer]

It can start online but has to move onto the phone and/or in person pretty damn fast. *shrugs* Whatev.

I second that. You can listen to a band's demo all you want, but until you've see them play, you don't really know 'em.

Know what I'm saying?