njjen3953
4th Level Orange Feather
- Joined
- Apr 18, 2001
- Messages
- 2,858
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- 0
I have found in the past that with
regard to this type of humour people generally fall into 2
categories, those who find the subject matter disgusting and those
who find it hard to contain their laughter.
So, having said that, let me clarify that this joke refers to POOP &
POOPING, so if this is not for you, please do not read it.
For the rest of you, I hope you enjoy it, and please feel free to
forward this message to your friends - I'm sure they will enjoy it
too.
I'm sure that upon reading this, you'll nod your head in agreement as
you will all have experienced most, if not all of the scenarios
listed.
If you haven't you need more fibre...
The Perfect Dump
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's
rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worst,
but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that
breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving
champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally
unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and
that you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too
many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a
sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog
that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill
advised.....
The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you
all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish
feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a
Japanese Flag".
The Empty Roll Dump
Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an
empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you.
You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the
curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come
to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must face.....
pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the
nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail
or one of your socks!
The Splash Back Dump
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water
that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now
you are wet and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up
your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.
The Childbirth Dump
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by
nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma.
First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and
wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the
newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster
loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an
Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get
through it.
The Machine Gun Dump
Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace
when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the
tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits
the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a
M16.... damn commies.
The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates
are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to
cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the
essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1.
Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first
two stanzas of your favorite opera.
The Cling-On Dump
You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You
grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the
little bastard just hands there, suspended, clinging like a canned
peach between you and the water below. If only you had some
scissors.......
The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole
roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is
consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal
supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls,
whatever it takes.
The Encore Dump
Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are
about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on.
You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is
seven encores.....
The Houdini Dump
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down
the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes
as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at
the next person who comes in.
regard to this type of humour people generally fall into 2
categories, those who find the subject matter disgusting and those
who find it hard to contain their laughter.
So, having said that, let me clarify that this joke refers to POOP &
POOPING, so if this is not for you, please do not read it.
For the rest of you, I hope you enjoy it, and please feel free to
forward this message to your friends - I'm sure they will enjoy it
too.
I'm sure that upon reading this, you'll nod your head in agreement as
you will all have experienced most, if not all of the scenarios
listed.
If you haven't you need more fibre...
The Perfect Dump
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's
rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worst,
but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that
breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving
champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally
unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and
that you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too
many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a
sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog
that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill
advised.....
The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you
all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish
feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a
Japanese Flag".
The Empty Roll Dump
Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an
empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you.
You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the
curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come
to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must face.....
pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the
nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail
or one of your socks!
The Splash Back Dump
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water
that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now
you are wet and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up
your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.
The Childbirth Dump
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by
nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma.
First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and
wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the
newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster
loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an
Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get
through it.
The Machine Gun Dump
Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace
when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the
tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits
the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a
M16.... damn commies.
The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates
are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to
cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the
essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1.
Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first
two stanzas of your favorite opera.
The Cling-On Dump
You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You
grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the
little bastard just hands there, suspended, clinging like a canned
peach between you and the water below. If only you had some
scissors.......
The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole
roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is
consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal
supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls,
whatever it takes.
The Encore Dump
Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are
about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on.
You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is
seven encores.....
The Houdini Dump
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down
the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes
as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at
the next person who comes in.
