Harry Potter Paraphernalia Found in Al Qaeda Hideout
KABUL -- Say you've spent the first 10 years of your life sleeping under the stairs of a family who loathes you. Then, in an absurd, magical twist of fate you find yourself surrounded by evil wizards, mullahs, some kid with a River Phoenix haircut, and jellybeans that come in every flavor, including opium, toe-jam, ass whisker, and sardine. Not only that, but you discover that you are a wizard yourself! If CIA officials are correct, this is exactly what happened to a young, hairy plotter named Osama bin Laden, and may explain why the terrorist is just wild about Harry Potter.
Items found on the floor of an al Qaeda operated ice cream truck apparently show that one of the research tools favored by the network is the Harry Potter book series. The Potter paraphernalia was recognized by the CIA and shows, they say, "how dangerous the al Qaeda network aspires to be."
Also found were personal diaries purported to be those of bin Laden himself. Entries in the journal reveal a disturbed man clearly in the clutches of witchcraft.
"I want to go to wizard school and learn magic," bin Laden writes. "I'd like to learn to use a wand to cast spells...If I could go to wizard school, I might be able to do spells and potions and fly a broomstick...I'd like to go to wizard school and learn magic and put spells on people. I'd make up an ugly spell and then it's pay-back time...I feel like I'm inside Harry's world. If I went to wizard school I'd study everything: spells, counter-spells, and defense against the Great Satan."
The discovery has further emboldened a grassroots movement in the United States aimed at prohibiting the publishing or airing of any Harry Potter related material. Said Ima Butinski, president of Harry's Against God, "Once introduced to the world of wizards, spells, and Satanism, readers of Harry Potter can use their knowledge and skills in witchcraft and paganism by launching terrorist attacks against Christians and Jews."
In light of the new evidence, HAG members are now demanding that all Harry Potter merchandise contain a label with the following warning: "Harry Potter is about witchcraft. Witchcraft now has a complete package. Starting in kindergarten with Harry Potter and TV shows like Bewitched, children are led on to the horror movies and hundreds of Wicca and pagan web sites. When they thirst for more power, high school and college Wicca covens are available. In the adult world, the little Harry Potters become terrorists, or worse yet, New Age practitioners providing seminars in sensitivity training, stress relief, and self improvement. Just say no to Harry Potter. Do it for you. Do it for your children. Just do it. Alright? Okay."
KABUL -- Say you've spent the first 10 years of your life sleeping under the stairs of a family who loathes you. Then, in an absurd, magical twist of fate you find yourself surrounded by evil wizards, mullahs, some kid with a River Phoenix haircut, and jellybeans that come in every flavor, including opium, toe-jam, ass whisker, and sardine. Not only that, but you discover that you are a wizard yourself! If CIA officials are correct, this is exactly what happened to a young, hairy plotter named Osama bin Laden, and may explain why the terrorist is just wild about Harry Potter.
Items found on the floor of an al Qaeda operated ice cream truck apparently show that one of the research tools favored by the network is the Harry Potter book series. The Potter paraphernalia was recognized by the CIA and shows, they say, "how dangerous the al Qaeda network aspires to be."
Also found were personal diaries purported to be those of bin Laden himself. Entries in the journal reveal a disturbed man clearly in the clutches of witchcraft.
"I want to go to wizard school and learn magic," bin Laden writes. "I'd like to learn to use a wand to cast spells...If I could go to wizard school, I might be able to do spells and potions and fly a broomstick...I'd like to go to wizard school and learn magic and put spells on people. I'd make up an ugly spell and then it's pay-back time...I feel like I'm inside Harry's world. If I went to wizard school I'd study everything: spells, counter-spells, and defense against the Great Satan."
The discovery has further emboldened a grassroots movement in the United States aimed at prohibiting the publishing or airing of any Harry Potter related material. Said Ima Butinski, president of Harry's Against God, "Once introduced to the world of wizards, spells, and Satanism, readers of Harry Potter can use their knowledge and skills in witchcraft and paganism by launching terrorist attacks against Christians and Jews."
In light of the new evidence, HAG members are now demanding that all Harry Potter merchandise contain a label with the following warning: "Harry Potter is about witchcraft. Witchcraft now has a complete package. Starting in kindergarten with Harry Potter and TV shows like Bewitched, children are led on to the horror movies and hundreds of Wicca and pagan web sites. When they thirst for more power, high school and college Wicca covens are available. In the adult world, the little Harry Potters become terrorists, or worse yet, New Age practitioners providing seminars in sensitivity training, stress relief, and self improvement. Just say no to Harry Potter. Do it for you. Do it for your children. Just do it. Alright? Okay."
