I have a problem that hurts so bad...

[PainTrain]

I have a best friend in my life right now that means more to me than anyone on this earth. We have known each other for a long time now, and he knows that I am gay, and he is ok with that. We have even had a few sexual encounters, so I know he is bisexual. The thing is, he "wants" to be with a girl (at least, he acts like he does), and he is SO worried about his image; like if anyone were to know that he was attracted to men. Still, he doesn't mind engaging in sexual acts with me.


Here is the problem. I've never loved anyone more than I love him. I mean, I LOVE him. He accepts me fully for who I am, and nobody knows me better than him. He makes me feel good about myself, and nobody else does. He's sexy, he's 6 foot 7, and he has these eyes that pierce the soul, and long dark brown hair... He's muscular, and he's so strong!!

We have had the best relationship I could have hoped for in a friendship. Therein lies the problem. I want to tell him how I feel about him, but I'm afraid about how he would react. He is the man of my dreams. I would like to be with him for the rest of my life.

I know he doesn't feel the same though... and when I think about that... It hurts more than anything I've ever felt in my life. I don't want to lose our friendship, but I yearn for more. This is the first time I've ever been in love, for real...

Should I tell him? Or should I just accept the fact that it won't work, no matter how much it hurts?

 

[Myriads]

You are looking to start a relationship with someone who has yet to fully come to terms with their own sexuality. Until that comes to pass badness lies in trying this.

Myriads

 

[Vae]

I'm afraid to say it, but Myriads is right. I am all about telling someone how you feel about them. In most cases, it can't hurt. This is a case where it can do some serious damage. He's in a place where he isn't sure what he wants. You, on the other hand, do, and if he needs to come to someone who is attracted to men and isn't closeted about his sexuality, he can come to you talk. However if you make apparent that you want to be with him, he may feel pressured, or worse, completely uncomfortable. You want to be there for him, I can tell.

So unfortunately, the best thing you can do is wait. Also, I have some friends in my life, dear friends, that I know love me and they know I love them. It's never said though; it's never needed to be said. Show your love through your actions. Care for him. Listen. Be a companion. Laugh. Have fun. Be comfortable. Then when he's ready to come to terms with his sexuality, then talk about your feelings. Right now, however, he is in a very awkward and sensitive place that you need to be very careful what you say and how you act. Try to put yourself in his position as best you can and think what you would want. It's hard to imagine when you have such strong feelings, but try to step back from the situation and just see it for what it is.

Above all, be patient! 🙂 If you need to talk more, send me a PM. 🙂

 

[german]

Is it worth the risk of losing a good friend?....If so you know the risk and go for it, if it isn't then obviously you got to sort of live with it.

Kust

 

[DannyMc]

Time is a good thing to use , let your friend explore his feelings , if it's you he really wants he will come back , but if it is a women he needs you would be great friend to support him in this decision . You also don't want to mention anything now that will scare him off and hurt the friendship you two have .

 

[Mitchell]

I'm straight, but this situation has happened to me with girls, where I've desired someone as more than a friend, and they didnt like me in that way. During my freshman year in college, I was very in love with this girl whom I was close friends with, but yet she didnt desire me in "That Way". I kept trying to take it to the next level of romance with her, and, it didnt work out. We stayed friends for a while, but nothing more came of it.
Your situation creates an additional problem. If this guy is your best friend in the whole world, and you attempt to push feelings on him, or a situation on him, which he resists, or doesnt want, you could well be jepordizing having him in your life at all, as best friend, or anything else. One cannot coerce, or attempt to manipulate, love. It does not work. Take it from someone who has tried.
As much as it hurts, my best advice would be to continue to have him in your life as your best friend, which is a most special thing, and to find for yourself another man to love in "that way". It sounds like an old cliche, but there are many fish in the sea. Were I in these shoes, there is no way I would risk any type of relationship with someone who is that important to me, just to try to force something that might not be there. Yes, it hurts, but it would hurt more if he wasnt in your life at all. Consider these facts, and I have a feeling you will know what the right thing to do is. Hope this helps.

Mitch

 

[isabeau]

hmm that's a tough one...i don't think you should tell him how you feel, at least not yet. wait a bit and see if he maybe starts to like you in that way also..you don't want to lose a good friend..good luck hon...

 

[Strider]

Wow, this is a tough situation. I know this is most likely not what you want to hear on this, but I have join with everyone else and say that it may be better to take a wait and see attitude on this. This guy is apparently not yet completely at ease with his sexual identity, and even minor things could freak him out and send him running.

 

[Capnmad]

Sorry friend, but I must concur with the consensus here. If he's going to stay your best friend, you can't press this, and you can't really go all out there with your feelings or you'll get rejected, and he'll bolt, either from his own internal dissonance and trying to reconcile that with societal expectations, or from trying to save you both some emotional turmoil.

Better you exercise discipline over what you can control at this point (your expression of your feelings) than lose what little control you have over the situation while simultaneously chasing him away with something he's not ready for.

He may fully accept you, but he has yet to fully accept himself.

As painful as it may be, your viable romantic options are only to give it time or move on. However much you may desperately want to tell him how you feel, it's not going to work out well at this point in time. Spilling your heart to him now will send him not only walking, but galloping to this woman.

Good luck.

 

[steph]

Remember that wildlife poster we had as kids--the one with the saying, "if you love something, let it go..."?

As someone who beleives honesty is not ALWAYS the best policy, methinks for now, you'd best keep this to yourself. He's not ready.
XOXO

 

[venray]

the best thing you can do is wait. Also, I have some friends in my life, dear friends, that I know love me and they know I love them. It's never said though; it's never needed to be said. Show your love through your actions. Care for him. Listen. Be a companion. Laugh. Have fun. Be comfortable.
Above all, be patient!

Can't say it any better than Vae did old friend.....'Tis sound advice.....