i have feelings too..

[melanie2]

which is something my family,with the exception of my husband, has always seemed to forget..let's take a few scenarios...one, after my mother died four years ago....my birthday approached that november....it would be my very first birthday without a card from my mom....did anyone in my family remember? no...not even my sister...my husband's family remembered..and my online friends did also..that's when i first began to distance myself from my family...which consisted of a sister, aunts and uncles...and began looking at my online friends as my family...i've always been something of a loner, so i never had many real life friends as i tended to push them away..

flash forward to yesterday...my sister goes on and on and on about her granddaughter..my great niece..who is adorable...but every day she tells me something new about Linnea...about how she giggles when she tries to walk...now i'm not petty or uh hmm self centered..she is though...and i don't mind hearing about my great niece who will be one in september..however..Linnea resembles almost exactly what i pictured my last baby to look like..so it hurts still to hear about her on a daily basis..i've lost three babies..and yes i should be over it by now you say....but you never do..not really...and you can forget and move on with your life, which is what i did of course..but then something happens and you remember..you see a pregnant female...you see a little baby...my sister never understood the grief i went thru and will continue to go thru until i die..but i'm expected to smile and agree with everything she says about Linnea..and also my husband's family never really respected the losses we suffered...and used to brag about babies in their family...even when i was carrying my last baby dead inside me..ah well..

also..she had the nerve to ask why i thought i finally deserved to be happy..as i am happy now for practically the first time in my life..

she is my sister and i love her...and i won't alienate myself from her as she is the only really family i have left except for david...but she should think some before she says things to me..i know she is proud of her grandbaby..

ok rant over...yes i have feelings..i can seem to be cheerful and sweet..ack..but i do have feelings and they should count with those who care about me..

 

[Duke Diablo]

Hmm... I am really sorry to hear this, isabeau. I know that I can never tell how it is for a mother to loose a baby, but I can imagine it being horrible. And three... that must be even more of a shock. My grandmother lost a baby while giving birth to it, and she still hasn't completely gotten over it.

As for your sister, I know I'm a foreigner and I don't know how things go between you two, but that was really self-centered and not nice of her. She should be more observant of your feelings. You're her sister, for all it's worth.

 

[Bashiku]

I know how it is to find out that a baby is dead... I've lost two brothers or sisters, whatever they might be, before they were born... I wanted to have them so much and it is true, mothers never forget and move on, and for that they carry the hardest burden.

I am sorry for all I've read here and would wish it all go away from you, but no human can do that. You obviously don't deserve that kind of a sister, but thank god that your husband and his family is caring about you. If your own sister doesn't understand your feelings, your thoughts, and being with her for the most of the life like any sibling... that is sad and self centered from her side.

I am sorry if I went over the line, but I say what I think... nothing less nor more.

 

[melanie2]

i realized after i started this thread that there were those members of the tmf who thought i should have gotten over this long ago..and quit harping on it..i hadn't realized that i bugged people that much with it...i probably shouldn't have mentioned it again here..i'm far too open at times...

i thank you both for your kind words...of course i don't dwell on these losses anymore..i'm very happy actually with my life..but there are times when it comes back and hits me..and it's as if it had just happened...

i truly do not want people feeling sorry for me..i'm not that type..(o yes you are izzy..you know you want attention.)..uh izzy do you mind..this is my thread go start your own...(but i'm just trying to show you how you really truly are to the forum ) i don't need your help..if i wanted your help i would have asked...( well if that's the way you feel about it...i never) o go blow izzy..you are such a drama queen...( now wait a minute..who is calling the kettle black etc..) uh...who said anything about a kettle? really izzy you are such a blonde...(ooo now that is hitting below the belt..you should be thoroughly tickled for that) o yea?? you and what army..( well there's imzadi, melanie, and innocentsexcat..we can jump you easily) woooooooo now wait a damn minute here...you have really lost it this time...

 

[chicag0]

which is something my family,with the exception of my husband, has always seemed to forget..let's take a few scenarios...one, after my mother died four years ago....my birthday approached that november....it would be my very first birthday without a card from my mom....did anyone in my family remember? no...not even my sister...my husband's family remembered..and my online friends did also..that's when i first began to distance myself from my family...which consisted of a sister, aunts and uncles...and began looking at my online friends as my family...i've always been something of a loner, so i never had many real life friends as i tended to push them away..

Depending on how close you were to your family, while I would find this to be a bit inconsiderate, I would forgive it in time. Your sister may have still been mourning also.

flash forward to yesterday...my sister goes on and on and on about her granddaughter..my great niece..who is adorable...but every day she tells me something new about Linnea...about how she giggles when she tries to walk...now i'm not petty or uh hmm self centered..she is though...and i don't mind hearing about my great niece who will be one in september..however..Linnea resembles almost exactly what i pictured my last baby to look like..so it hurts still to hear about her on a daily basis..i've lost three babies..and yes i should be over it by now you say....but you never do..not really...and you can forget and move on with your life, which is what i did of course..but then something happens and you remember..you see a pregnant female...you see a little baby...my sister never understood the grief i went thru and will continue to go thru until i die..but i'm expected to smile and agree with everything she says about Linnea..and also my husband's family never really respected the losses we suffered...and used to brag about babies in their family...even when i was carrying my last baby dead inside me..ah well..

I don't think something as traumatic as you have been through is something you can just "get over." But that said, you can't really blame your sister for being happy with her child. I don't think she is intentionally trying to be insensitive, but she may not realize what she's is doing / saying is bothering you. I can understand how it may hurt though.

ok rant over...yes i have feelings..i can seem to be cheerful and sweet..ack..but i do have feelings and they should count with those who care about me..

I'm sure those that care about you, care about your feelings as well, but the things you've stated seem to just be people being people and doing what they would normally do in life. If it really is a problem for you, you should bring it up to those members of your family that are doing this, because I don't think they're aware that what they are doing is coming off as insensitive.

 

[Camel26]

If you can't speak your mind here, where can you?

Personally, I'm honored that you were so open and honest with us all...

And I echo the sentiment of those who wrote before me...I can't understand what you've been through, as I haven't gone through it...but I sympathize deeply, and am pleased that your husband is such a source of comfort.

I don't know you well, but, from what I've seen, you're an incredibly sweet, considerate person. You deserve only good, and, I hope that you don't let the lack of consideration shown to you by others take away from your happiness.

Family is what you make of it--it isn't necessarily the folks who raised you...it's the folks who support you through the good and bad, no matter what, who are your real family.

You're awesome. And you're no loner here.

Smile...you're loved! And, if not, I may have to get my minions together to tickle you until you smile!!!

 

[melanie2]

TG...thank you for your comments..yes i've thought over the fact that my sister didn't and doesn't mean to be insensitive and inconsiderate..it's just her way...and she wasn't really the one that hurt me by not remembering my birthday..it was my mom's sister and brother, both of whom i thought i was close to..during mom's last year alive, i would turn to my aunt, mom's younger sister, asking what should i do etc...she basically was no help at all..and during mom's many hospital stays that year, in psych units and whatever, they never once visited her..and they could have done that and saved me so much worry..as i lived much further than they did from mom..anyway water under the bridge of course now..

and of course my sister goes on and on about her grandchild..and i usually listen willingly and readily...but it can get to me after a bit..and if you could see that baby..i mean wow..it's like..the pregnancy was an accident..my niece was still in college and is in fact..and not married..not that that matters...but i ask myself why...it's so not fair.. o well we can't have anything..and i' do have my looks lol..just kidding..but thank you for your advice..


Camel..wow..i'm rather speechless..thank you so much for your words..i have a mouth and i tend to babble...and for some reason today i've been online far more than i have lately..which is never good for me...i'll write more tomorrow to you as my brain is shutting down for the night lol...anyway thanks again..

 

[RedMan01]

Hey

Listen after all you have been through I doubt anyone wouldn't feel a tad upset about things, you are only human after all, people whine about stuff way easier than what you have gone through.

Grief and pain takes time to work through and how long it takes is unique to every person and is not for anyone to decide.

I in fact see you not as someone who whines but as a very strong woman, it takes alot to go through what you did and still be cheerful and friendly, many people would turn bitter.

My problems I had with my family wasnt as severe, I lost my dad at a young age and suffered physical abuse as a child both at home and at school, some of it because I was a very chubby child and most of it because of racial discrimination and in addition to abuse my family was never very sympathetic, but it doesnt come near to what has happened to you.

Bottom line, stay strong and don't let anyone give you crap, you are a person who thinks and feels and you have right to think and feel and if anyone has a problem with that f*** em!

 

[melanie2]

damn Redman i'm sorry..that's a damn shame about what happened to you..and thank you also for your kind words..^

 

[GRM13]

Yeah Family can be weird. I'm one of the lucky ones, but even then we still have our moments of stupidity where we hurt each other. I have seen many different type of families so I know that families are not meant to get along, it's just even sadder when they don't. even with all of that family is family and loosing just one is a heartache. Two years though my mother is with me, I did loose my grandmother, and she was someone who I really looked up to...

Okay enough rambling, what I want to say, is that we all come here because of different reason, mostly to be more open so their is nothing wrong with letting what's in your mind out. That's why I've joined this forum and while I'm still in baby steps I feel comfortable here...

 

[Cbarton]

I share your pain, Izzy...MDJ and I lost child #1 due to miscarriage. That day was 14 years ago and still hurts to this day. We have a Christmas ornament that we hang every year and we still get teary eyed over it. The hardest part was that we were undergoing treatment for infertility at the time. Then the Lord directed us to this verse:

Return to your fortress, O prisoners of hope;
even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you. (Zechariah 9:12)

You see, the hebrew word for hope in this verse is tiqva (tik-vaw) ; which also means expecation or what you long for. It was also the name the Lord gave to my wife for the child during the pregnancy. 3 years later, we had 2 children, restoring twice as much as we thought we had lost.

Those who have never lost a child cannot know what it is like, Izzy. Even if they 'act' considerate, they screw up. Forgive them and move on. Otherwise they keep that power to hurt you in their hands. Forgive them and they have no power over you