I need some relationship advice.

[FireAndLighting]

So I'm just gong to cut straight to the chase here and say my end goal here is to break up. But I'm scared that if I do, she'll do the unthinkable.

I've been dating this girl who's a fair bit older than I am for almost five years. We met at work and things just kind of clicked. We've never had sex, but she knows my kinks and the things I am into. The thing is, she has a lot of health issues that seem to keep building up. At first, it just seemed to be small things that could be worked with, but when I overheard her talking to my stepmom the other day, the amount of health issues she listed just kept going and going, and it was kind of a major killer for me. I don't have a lot of money and my insurance is bleh at best, so when I look into the future now all I can see is just a mountain of unpayable health bills, especially now that I've learned she's put off a lot of her problems for years and never took the medications she was prescribed.

I want to be clear here when I say I do not hate this woman. She has been a loyal companion and has had my back more so than my family since I've known her, so it's not that I don't trust her or think ill of her. It's just... I've just turned 29. She'll be 40 in just a year or two. And knock on wood, I don't have much in the way of health issues. I'm very active and I go see a doctor if I feel like something's wrong. But with her the pile of things just keeps growing, and I'm afraid it will limit things I can do in the future. I would LOVE to go on a cruise for example, but she gets extremely nauseous. She won't even join me when I go out on my kayak. She gets very car sick, or sick in general very often, and it's difficult to even take her out of the house just to get some exercise by walking around the block a time or two. I work as a swamper on the back of a garbage truck, so I get a lot of exercise and I eat fairly healthy as well. She primarily just sits in an office but never goes to a gym or walks, or does anything active.

There are numerous things I could go on about, but my biggest problem is this: she's mentally unstable and has stated several times she's attempted suicide in the past. And I'm scared that if I break up with her it will be the thing that finally drives her over the edge. I don't want to live with the guilt of knowing I was the reason someone ended their own life. That would be a terrible burden to carry.

After learning about the extent of her health issues I'm skeptical if I want to pursue the relationship any further. She expects marriage since we've been together for so long. But outside of her health, she constantly has problems. Her car's always breaking down, she brings home her drama from work, she has numerous pets when I don't want pets, and she seems to have more enemies than friends.

Is there a way I can let her off easy, or am I just stuck?

 

[MrMacphisto]

If you've been dating for almost 5 years but have never had sex, you're a lot more patient than I am.

You've explained a lot of the drawbacks to the relationship, but I guess I have to ask: what sparked your interest in dating her? The answer to this may help you figure out what to do next.

I wouldn't say you're stuck, but I understand your concern about her doing something self-destructive. Still, if she won't improve herself, that's on her, not you.

 

[FrenzyTickles]

If you want out, you need out.

If you feel "stuck" & want out -- then you need to find a way out. Remaining "stuck" will be increasingly unhealthy for both of you.

Also, yes, after five years, that's an unusual circumstance.

Maybe start easing into this by focusing on your differences, especially that you're realizing you really can't live with pets... that might be one good "out".

It does sound like she's depressed, any movement can be a huge effort (she needs to get help, talk to a professional)... but I also hope she hasn't stated she's attempted suicide in order to subtly/subconsciously emotionally blackmail you into remaining with her.

Maybe she was just sharing that, getting it off her chest or signaling she needs help ------ but it *can't be the reason anyone stays (a prisoner) in a dead relationship.

***No one is *ever responsible for another person's suicide (unless they're bullying or otherwise victimizing that person, you're obviously not). You have *nothing to feel guilty about, you're being kind and have already put your life on hold unfairly -- if you're staying when you really don't want to.

You've probably already pushed her to see doctors or take care of herself.... She's killing herself slowly by not taking care of herself regardless, you've probably already told her she'd be a lot happier if she'd literally move more
(in every respect, exercise obviously also helps depression greatly, just *walking can help as you know...)

No one should want their significant other to feel "stuck." To be with someone who doesn't want to be there.
You're concerned, I'm sure you'll be kind and you should absolutely not feel guilty. You both deserve something "real."

 

[FireAndLighting]

Thanks for the help, everyone. I know it's a strange thing for a man to say, but sex has literally never been something I'm into. I've never understood the desire to undress a woman and get inside her. My focus has always been on tickling. My lack of desire to have kids is potentially a major player in that, as well as certain religious topics. I've just turned 29 and I'm still a virgin, and I'm perfectly fine with that. It's less of a headache not having that "urge" like a lot of men do.

I guess I'll just have to slowly inch my way to finally letting her go. Our lives will be going in separate directions sooner than later anyway. I'm looking into going into the Merchant Marines within the coming decade, so it would be easier to be single if I'm gone for months at a time.

 

[FrenzyTickles]

You're welcome, it's kind of you to be so concerned - and that change of career is yet another good "out." Best wishes!

 

[Angel_2]

Okay so there is a lot to unpack here so here goes. First you should never feel "stuck" or obligated to stay with her because of what you fear she might do. If you want out and it looks like you do, you must get out for your sake. That doesn't make you a bad person. All you can do is try and explain to her why you no longer want to be in the relationship and get her the help she needs health and mental. I think the age difference plays more of a factor and given her poor health situation and your desire to move in a different direction makes sense. If I may ask what was the nature of your relationship if not sexual? When you tell her you want out, you can offer to be there for her as a friend and if she needs help getting what she needs to get better mentally and physically you can let her know you will do all you can for her. Best of luck with this situation.

 

[Mykayla]

I've been in a somewhat similar situation before. It's not easy, but prioritizing your own well-being and future is crucial. When you have an honest and empathetic conversation with her, it might lead to a healthier path for both of you. Remember, you are not responsible for her actions, and offering to support her as a friend during this time can be a compassionate gesture. Take care of yourself, and know that it's okay to seek support from others if needed