Irish Prayer
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of
booze in his back pocket when he slipped
and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something
wet running down his leg.
"Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Irish Shopping"
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered
martini after martini, each time removing the
olives and placing them in a jar.. When the
jar was filled with olives and all the drinks
consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S' cuse me", said a customer, who was
puzzled over what McQuillan had done,
"what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just
sent me out for a jar of olives!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You've Been Out Drinking Again"
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all
night. The bartender finally said that the bar
is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave
fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one
more time; same result. He figured he'll
crawl outside and get some fresh air and
maybe that will sober him up. Once outside,
he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks
home. When he arrived at the door he stood
up and fell flat on his face. He crawled
through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more
time to stand up. This time he managed to
pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right
into the bed and is sound asleep as soon
as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his
wife standing over him, shouting, "SO
YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!" Putting
on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing
it out he said, "What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called; you left your
wheelchair there again."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I've Lost Me Luggage"
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and
wandered around the terminal with tears
streaming down his cheeks. An airline
employee asked him if he was already
homesick. "No," replied the Irishman. "I've
lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
"Water to Wine"
An Irish priest is driving down to New York
and gets stopped for speeding in
Connecticut. The state trooper smells
alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees
an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest. The trooper
says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Reunion"
A man stumbles up to the only other patron
in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why, of course," comes the reply. The first
man then asks, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say,
I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another
round to Ireland." "Of course," says the
second. Curious, the first asks: "Where in
Ireland?" "Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have
another round of drinks to Dublin."
"Of course" The second man can't help
himself so he asks, "What school did you
attend?" "Saint Mary's", replies the first
man. "I graduated in '62." "This is becoming
unbelievable!!!" They say in union.
About that time, in comes one of the
regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's up?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replied the bartender.
"The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Brothel"
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer
and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the
brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a
shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad.."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel,
and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a
shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim
to temptation." Then they saw a catholic
priest enter the brothel, and one of the
Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...
one of the girls must be quite ill."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Lost at Sea"
"""""""""""""
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift
in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from
a burning freighter. While rummaging through
the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled
across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a
genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp
vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick,
a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that
he could only deliver one wish, not the
standard three. Without giving much thought
to the matter, Patrick blurted out,
"Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening
crash, and immediately the entire sea turned
into the finest brew ever sampled by
mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the
hull broke the stillness as the two men
considered their circumstances. Michael
looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish
had been granted. After a long, tension-filled
moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick!
Now we're going to have to pee in the boat !
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of
booze in his back pocket when he slipped
and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something
wet running down his leg.
"Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Irish Shopping"
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered
martini after martini, each time removing the
olives and placing them in a jar.. When the
jar was filled with olives and all the drinks
consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S' cuse me", said a customer, who was
puzzled over what McQuillan had done,
"what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just
sent me out for a jar of olives!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You've Been Out Drinking Again"
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all
night. The bartender finally said that the bar
is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave
fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one
more time; same result. He figured he'll
crawl outside and get some fresh air and
maybe that will sober him up. Once outside,
he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks
home. When he arrived at the door he stood
up and fell flat on his face. He crawled
through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more
time to stand up. This time he managed to
pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right
into the bed and is sound asleep as soon
as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his
wife standing over him, shouting, "SO
YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!" Putting
on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing
it out he said, "What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called; you left your
wheelchair there again."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I've Lost Me Luggage"
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and
wandered around the terminal with tears
streaming down his cheeks. An airline
employee asked him if he was already
homesick. "No," replied the Irishman. "I've
lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
"Water to Wine"
An Irish priest is driving down to New York
and gets stopped for speeding in
Connecticut. The state trooper smells
alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees
an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest. The trooper
says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Reunion"
A man stumbles up to the only other patron
in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why, of course," comes the reply. The first
man then asks, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say,
I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another
round to Ireland." "Of course," says the
second. Curious, the first asks: "Where in
Ireland?" "Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have
another round of drinks to Dublin."
"Of course" The second man can't help
himself so he asks, "What school did you
attend?" "Saint Mary's", replies the first
man. "I graduated in '62." "This is becoming
unbelievable!!!" They say in union.
About that time, in comes one of the
regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's up?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replied the bartender.
"The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Brothel"
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer
and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the
brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a
shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad.."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel,
and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a
shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim
to temptation." Then they saw a catholic
priest enter the brothel, and one of the
Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...
one of the girls must be quite ill."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Lost at Sea"
"""""""""""""
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift
in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from
a burning freighter. While rummaging through
the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled
across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a
genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp
vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick,
a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that
he could only deliver one wish, not the
standard three. Without giving much thought
to the matter, Patrick blurted out,
"Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening
crash, and immediately the entire sea turned
into the finest brew ever sampled by
mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the
hull broke the stillness as the two men
considered their circumstances. Michael
looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish
had been granted. After a long, tension-filled
moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick!
Now we're going to have to pee in the boat !
