Just letting out some frustration.

[cryingfreeman]

Hello fellow tmfers. This post is probably going to be pretty long. A friend who happens to be a therapist said I should express my feelings in some way instead of keeping them pent up like I usually do. If I keep it in too long it's going to boil over and explode and might be vented at some one undeserving of it. Since I am somewhat of a writer I thought I would let it out here in this forum. If you get through the whole thing more power to you. It's just a form of therapy. I hope it helps. My elderly mother and I live in the same multifamily house, I on the 3rd floor and she on the 2nd. Ever since my younger brother came home from jail a couple of months ago and began staying with her, his son, my 6-year-old nephew, pointed out that my mom and I have been fighting a lot lately. I told him it's because we've both been stressed out a lot. However it goes much deeper than that.

As far back as I can remember she always favored my younger brother over me. He's the baby of the family. I have 2 older siblings and they noticed it too. My mom swears up and down that I'm just imagining it but my cousins and friends all have seen how she favors him over me. One Christmas when we were kids we both wanted the same toy. He got it while I got a less popular variant. My dad saw my face and was as pissed off as I was. The next year he got both of us each a huge box of toys but made sure it was even in every way possible. After they got divorced and my dad passed away and as we got older it got worse and worse. Although I was older I kept getting his hand me downs since he was larger. I didn't get into fashion until I got to high school cause that's when how you looked really counted. My younger brother got into it at an early age. She would get him the latest fashion trends and sneakers then after a few weeks he'd get tired of them and instead of buying me new clothes she gave me the ones he didn't want anymore. I never complained. Not once. And my old siblings pointed that out multiple times.

When we got to high school it was blatantly obvious. My freshman year I asked for a playstation and she told me we didn't have enough money so I let it go. A few months later my brother got caught with a knife in school (the beginning of his downward spiral of lawbreaking), was suspended and put on house arrest and that same day he asked for a playstation so he wouldn't be bored during his house arrest and she got it for him as soon as she left work. My brother, his friends and my friends saw how pissed I was when she came home with it. My brother pointed it out that I was angry so to placate me she got me a nintendo64, again the alternative to what I really wanted. I do have a lot of fond memories of playing the 64 with friends but it still doesn't erase the anger and hurt I felt. Another time I allowed my friends to tag their names on my door since it was the in thing. When I got home from school I found her painting over it telling me it was gang signs. He let his friends tag on my dresser that I had to put in his room because my room was too full and not only did she not yell at him for ruining my dresser the tag is still there to this day, curse words and all. I ended up leaving it in his room because I didn't want it anymore due to the graffiti. When he was 15 he went out with his friends in the afternoon and didn't get back around 10 - 11pm. She didn't scold him or anything. Just told him his dinner was in the oven. Earlier that same day I was about to go meet my friends to watch a 9pm movie and she stopped me in front of my older siblings and told me it's too dangerous to go out at night. Mind you I was turning 18 at the time. My older siblings tried to argue my case that 1 - I was almost 18 and 2 - my YOUNGER brother was still out. All she said was that he left earlier in the afternoon. She can't help it if he stayed out later after it got dark.

She never made him do a chore. It was always up to me. If I didn't do it fast enough, when she asked, or if it wasn't to her liking she would yell at me. When I was dorming she would call me and ask me when I'm coming home because I had to mow the lawn or trim the hedges I would tell her to ask him since he was there 24/7 instead of waiting for me. She would yell at me for being lazy and trying to pass off my responsibilities to someone else or give her usual response that she uses even to this day "I didn't ask him I asked you." And even after doing everything asked of me she still tells me that I don't do anything in the house and that I'm a lazy good-for-nothing. He does one chore and she can't stop singing his praises for the next week or so and asking me why can't I be more like him. The one time I asked to borrow her credit card I had to go through a 3rd degree. To this day he asks to borrow it and he gets it no problem. One time some jewelry went missing. She called and harassed me at work and even went down there and demanded it from me in front of my coworkers humiliating me even though I didn't take it. I asked her if she asked my brother and she told me he said he swore he didn't take it so that was good enough for her but me she didn't believe. She even ransacked my place. She eventually remembered she lent it to my aunt and got it back but never apologized to me. My sister was so pissed when she found out that she called my mom and told her off.

One time I asked if I could borrow the van to go camping with my friends and she asked me how far the camp was. I told her about 10 hours. She asked if I would be driving the whole 10 and I told her that my friends would alternate with me so I wouldn't get tired. She refused saying my friends aren't on the insurance. My brother asked 3 times to borrow the van to go camping at a site about 12 hours away and his friends would alternate with him and he got the van all 3 times. She even let his friends build shack in the backyard to store their motorcycles. I bet if I even dared to ask I would get refused in a heartbeat. When his girlfriend had a baby at 18 they constantly left her with us and my mom never complained. They would go out clubbing and doing drugs and getting arrested while we (pretty much I) raised her for the first 4 years of her life. I even gave up going out on some weekends to watch my niece and my friends were mad at me for doing so. The 1 time, when she was just a few months old, that I decided to hang out with my friends my mom told me I had to watch my niece. I told her that I couldn't because I was going out with my friends and we planned this for a while. Then she yelled at me for shirking my responsibilities. I lost my temper and said "She's not my fucking kid dammit!" The first time I ever cussed at my mom. For a while after that every time she saw me with my niece she would throw my words back in my face and say "uncle doesn't really love you. You're not his fucking kid."

I buy gift after gift after gift (and not just nick nacks but real gifts ranging in price from $80 - $150) for her birthday, mother's day and Christmas every year and she still complained that I never get her anything. He takes her out to dinner a couple of times and she says I should be more like him. And she never uses the gifts either. They're still in storage to this day. I left nursing school during my clinicals (on the hospital floor training) because I kept having panic attacks around terminal patients. My therapist friend said it's because I'm scared of the thought of someone's life being in my hands. My mom said it was only an excuse and that I was just being lazy again and that I wouldn't never amount to anything because I don't have drive or initiative. She blamed my older siblings and I for my brother's criminal behavior, though, saying we're older. We should've been watching him, taking care of him. Even after all the times he got arrested and she had to bail him out he was always the good boy. It's not his fault. He just fell into the wrong crowd. Never mind that she never disciplined him, never set boundaries for him, let him get away with everything - even physically abuse his girlfriend, a few times while she was pregnant with my niece. He even threatened to kill me once and my niece multiple times (while he was drugged up) and he was still the apple of her eye. I beat him to a bloody pulp once because I was tired of his bullshit and she yelled at me for doing it and my older brother for just standing there and letting it happen. She was saying "what kind of people are you that you would do this to your own family, your own flesh and blood."

After he moved out at the insistence of his new girlfriend, things got better with my mom and me. We moved into our current multifamily house after she retired so she wouldn't be alone as she got older. After my girlfriend dumped me during our vacation to meet her family my mom became my shoulder to cry on. She started doting on me more and more. But the favoritism was still there. One time he slept over for the holidays my brother moved her tv into another room. After he fell asleep she asked me to move it back and I told her to make him do it. She said her usual I ask you not him and I left the room saying he moved it not me. The next day she scolded me for being lazy and scolded her back for being a terrible mother telling her she always babied him, never held him accountable for anything and that's why he's the way that he is, with a criminal record and why he's going to jail again. I was mad when I said it and didn't mean it but it happened. But in my brother's defense he was getting better too. He was sober for many years. Started raising his daughter and his newborn son, hadn't been on the wrong side of the law in years. Then it all came crashing down. A drunk guy sexually assaulted my brother's girlfriend at a bar they were at. My pissed off brother (and rightly so) immediately started beating the shit out of the guy. He ended up putting the guy in a coma. His family sued and because of my brother's record he was found guilty of assault with intent and got a harsher sentence. He was in jail for almost 4 years. I was happy when he finally got out. But I knew what would happen too.

Of course he moved in with my mom on the 2nd floor and it went back to being like when we were kids. She never asks him to do anything. If I don't do a chore fast enough, when she asked, or if it wasn't to her liking she would yell at me. Even when I do everything asked of me I'm still the lazy good-for-nothing. He does one chore and she brags about it for days on end and I should be more like him. His ungrateful EX-girlfriend left him while he was in jail for another guy and my mom became his shoulder to cry on while she always tells me that I shouldn't be surprised my girlfriend dumped me because I'm a loser. I pay our bills monthly on the dot while he hasn't paid her cent his entire life. She was in the hospital for surgery and she kept calling me and telling me I had to do all these things in her absence while she didn't ask him to do a single thing. He visited her every other day then asked why I didn't go with him to visit her even though she knows I work every day plus I had all those things she kept asking me to do while he still doesn't have a job and just hangs out all day with his kids and his friends. When I pointed that out she yelled at me and said "he's just making up for lost time. You have no idea what he'd been through. You are the most selfish person in the world. You're lower than dirt. I wouldn't be surprised if you abandoned me like your father did and never look back." After said that last sentence part of me wanted to just save up enough money to move out and never have anything to do with her again.

Even her brother's kids can see she plays favorites. Both of them have pointed out time and again that she favors my brother over me and she lies to their faces denying it. She even plays favorites among the grandchildren. My sister's daughters pointed out to their mother that my mom has never been to any of their gymnastics competitions or even their kindergarten graduations but she's been to every event in my brother's kids' life. She even plays favorites among my brother's kids. Whenever they fight she takes my nephew's side over his older sister. Don't get me wrong. I know this whole post makes it sound like my mom is this reprehensible person and she's not. My mom does love all of us. She's proved it time and time again. From being a single mother trying to keep her four kids together, well-fed, and well-educated to paying for all our education and making sure we're not in debt with student loans. I know she LOVES us. But from what I wrote above it's rather evident she doesn't love all of her children the same way despite her claims and the facade she puts up when others (specifically non-family members) are around. She tries to make it look like she's the perfect I-got-it-all-together career woman and mother when behind closed doors it's different.

I used to wonder why I always got the brunt of my mother's wrath. My brother is the first born so he got babied. My sister is the only girl so she got babied. And her favorite is the youngest, the baby of the family so of course he got babied. I'm the middle boy and the middle child. I did get babied once in a while. But I still felt like I was in limbo when it came to my mother's affection. Sometimes it was there and sometimes it wasn't. It was more wasn't than was when my brother was around. Then I though it was because I look almost exactly like my dad and shared his name. I never asked to look like him I was born that way. I never asked for his name, it's the name they chose for me. I thought maybe she was just taking out her anger for my father's infidelities on me because I have his name and look like him so much. She always kept saying how I (actually all us siblings - even my younger brother) got the bad qualities from him, her bloodline is not like that even though HER younger brother has no job and has 3 different sons from 2 different women. My dad's been dead since 1988 yet she still carries around his ghost to this day. SHE was the one that raised us not him. But yet she still blames him for all the bad in her life, even us kids at times.

I just wish my relationship with my mom was better. I tried everything the books say. I tried reaching out to her and talking to her about it but she keeps denying that she's playing favorites. She still insists that she loves all of us and treats all of us the same even though her kids and grandkids say otherwise. I tried just living for me and not for her. I've tried it all but it still eats at me. My sister says I have to leave and just let her be on her own. Part of me just wants to leave and break all ties completely but I know in my heart I could never do that. She IS my mom and love her to death no matter what. But maybe leaving and letting her be on her own but not breaking all ties with her is the best. I just don't want her think I abandoned her like my dad did. If you made it this far thank you. I was just following what my friend said and admittedly it did help a lot. It was kinda cathartic in a way. Again, thanks for reading.

 

[Norn Iron]

Well, for what it's worth, I'm sorry. If speaking your piece has given you any relief, then that is a good thing. You take care of yourself, mate. I've never lived or experienced a situation such as yours, so all I can offer is empathy.

 

[rdhd]

This has gone on for how many years now? Yes, it sounds harsh, but maybe you do need to part company - others can chip in to help when needed. That doesn't mean you don't love her, but she needs to learn that you have your own life to live (not hers). Best of luck, in whatever happens.

 

[Cosmo_ac]

This is just my two cents, so take it as that. I see two choices.

1. An intervention. You say that people in your family have noticed these things. It's possible that if you are all together and confront her about this, she may snap out of her denial and realise that yes, she does play favourites, and her treatment of you is unfair and wrong. I hate to say it, but from what you've described, I don't think this would likely work.


2. Cut her off, and leave. You have a person who is negatively effecting you, and doesn't seem to plan on stopping anytime soon. Your presence, in the hope that she will perhaps one day have some sort of revelation, will only add to more hurt. She's a grown woman, and not your responsibility. You have other siblings, and they can pick up the slack if need be, and if they can't, she can deal with it. Loving and taking care of somebody is a great quality in a human being, but being somebodies whipping boy and servant is something else. She isn't going to change, not by anything you can do alone. It will hurt and be hard at first, but sometimes we have to realize that our relationship with a person, no matter how much we love them, can be destructive to ourselves. Leave, and live your own life.

 

[DontAskJusTckle]

Cut her loose, man. Let her approach you if she wants to continue the relationship, and if she falls back into her old habits, then isolate yourself from her totally.

 

[Libertine]

I left an unpleasant domestic situation aged 21, and while it wasn't always a bed of roses out in the world, have lived independently ever since.

Looking back, almost forty years later, it was still the right choice.

Go ASAP, make a home for yourself elsewhere, and I can pretty much assure you that the therapist will be unnecessary thereafter.

 

[cryingfreeman]

Thanks for all the responses. Unfortunately things got worse over the past few days. My sister called me and chewed me out. She found out I didn't visit my mom while she was in the hospital with knee surgery. Like I said I was so busy that I didn't have time but she said she found out I took a couple of personal days off from work which I did due to stress from my mom and a few unruly clients. One threatened to attack me after I got out of work while another accused me of being racist even though I'm Asian. My sister knew about all this but still called me selfish for not visiting and took my mom's side saying I shouldn't keep bringing up the fact that my brother doesn't do anything in the house. She even called me out on not visiting my brother when he was in jail even though I saw him couple of times and he didn't even speak to me that much. He just spoke to my nephew his son and my mom and my sister about getting him out asap. I just sat there for 2 -3 hours twiddling my thumbs really. She said I didn't give a damn about my family even though I pretty much raised my niece (my younger brother's daughter) for the first 3 - 4 years of her life. I took care my both my brother's kids when he went to jail because I promised him I would. When my sister had her first child I spent a whole summer living at her house watching her baby while she and husband worked and tried to find a suitable daycare. I even refused payment because I told her we're family and I would gladly be there whenever they needed me. I eventually took the money because I got tired of arguing with her. I gave up another summer before that to help my older brother when his wife was about to give birth. I watched his then 3-year-old son while his wife was at the hospital giving birth and after when she came home so she can focus on their newborn daughter.

It's not the first time she's taken my mom and brother's side. I remember a few years ago my sister called me at work to yell at me because my mom was mowing the lawn and asked me why I didn't do it. I told her I was at work and she said she didn't care. I asked here where my brother was and she said don't change the subject. The she said the same thing my mom said that I shouldn't be surprised my girlfriend dumped me because I'm a loser. She called me back and apologized a few hours later but it still hurt like hell. This current conversation i knew was different. She said she couldn't understand why I was so bitter against my mom and brother and so selfish I couldn't visit them. She said I was mooching off my mom even though I help pay the bills, deposit checks, do the chores and my brother doesn't do a damn thing. She said she had it with me and that this was the final straw. She was cutting me out of her life and I couldn't take it anymore and hung up. I'm just so tired of it all I just didn't care anymore. No matter what I did, how much I sacrificed I'm the selfish one, the black sheep of the family. We haven't spoken since. I made my decision. I'm not going to reach out to her. If she calls me and wants to apologize I will forgive her only for the sake of nieces. But I'm not going to be the one that reaches out. I know I did nothing wrong. They say that if you have problems you can't handle you can always turn to your family but what happens when your family is the problem. Then who do you turn to? Other family members? They all take my mom's side. My friends say pray but I've been praying. If you read this then thank you. Again it did help a lot and was kinda cathartic in a way.

 

[Libertine]

They say that if you have problems you can't handle you can always turn to your family but what happens when your family is the problem. Then who do you turn to?

Friends are Providence's consolation for family.

Leave 'home'.

 

[Mitchell]

freeman I'm very sorry about how your mom and your brother act.

Unfortunately, in families, this is often the case where one of the multiple children are favored.. etc.

My parents each have/had two siblings.

In my mom's case.. it seemed as though she was the one who always got shouldered with the responsibility of my grandparents old age/health, financial issues, etc.

One of my aunts, an artist, was always "Miss Special", and never had any responsibility to deal with any of my grandparents senior citizen problems.

My youngest aunt.. was "The baby". My mom said that while my grandparents were strict with my mom, they let my youngest aunt get away with everything.

When my grandparents got sick, had problems, my mom always shouldered most of the responsibility.

On my Dad's side I had one aunt who was older than him, who died about 25 years ago at a very young age. She was always "The scapegoat of that family".

My uncle, my Dad's younger brother, was my grandparents favorite. He could get away with anything, and my Dad was expected to help him.

In his childhood, my Dad was known as "Mr Quiet". They said he never took issues with anyone. (Much unlike his adult years)

It seems to me that the problem in your case seems to be that you are directly involved with all details that go on because you live there.

If you can, move out, and get out on your own. This will show your mom that you're not there for every little issue that occurs.

I can understand you not wanting to cut your mom off because you love her. Being estranged from a parent is very difficult.


(Trust me, I know, my Dad and I were estranged for many years)

Try to establish yourself, and continue the relationship.

Good Luck.

 

[Bohemianne]

Then who do you turn to?

Actually, NO ONE.

In between, you may establish a reliable/good lifeline in times of emergency. The rest, you have to shovel on your own. There is no ONE. They will all pass by no matter how good they are.

 

[Cosmo_ac]

Frankly, this just emphasizes the point that you need to leave. You're not going to win with your family, and frankly you'll be better off without them. Whoever said that you can always turn to your family if you have problems, obviously didn't know too much about abusive families. A family is supposed to love and respect one another. These people don't act like family and don't deserve the time you give them. If you're sister cares that much, she can mow the lawn.

My two cents says pack up, leave, and don't look back. You mind find a new sense of strength you've never known you've had.

Edit: I just read your first post again, and it looks like you added some more since my initial reading. After reading what I think is the new stuff, I can only emphasize my views. This part here really caught my attention:

The first time I ever cussed at my mom. For a while after that every time she saw me with my niece she would throw my words back in my face and say "uncle doesn't really love you. You're not his fucking kid."

Family doesn't do this. Family doesn't do half the things you've posted. This is a small, petty woman, who uses your love for her to control you, and she will always be this way, no matter how much counselling, how much praying, or how much work you do to make her say nice things to you, because this is what she is, and who she is, and it sounds like she instilled much of the same character as herself in your sister. We don't get to choose our families, and it seems you got the short end of the straw on this one. That's the bad news.

Here's the good news. You have a good deal of control over how much you involve yourself with these peoples lives. You can choose not to pick up the phone, or to hang it up whenever you want. You can choose not to open a door, or when to close it, and you can save up and leave, which you should do as soon as possible, and as far away as possible. Take a part time job for a few months if you have to, or look at other alternatives, depending on your level of education. You might need to get a roommate for a while, or live in a less then pleasant place, or eat oatmeal three times a day, but it sounds like it's the much better alternative. I know you say that you are willing to stay involved with you family for your nieces and nephews sake, but to be honest, I don't think even that is a good idea, because what do you think their mother and father and grandmother are saying about you to them behind your back, or as in the case you pointed out, right to your face? They will use your love for their children to get you to take care of them, then likely cut you up the next second when you do something they don't like. You can't win. Not this game. But you can win a more important one, and that is to go and live your life without them, and find happiness for it.