Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,989
- Points
- 48
... in which our hero takes to the saddle (but misses his horse)...
Fade in. EXTERIOR. It’s a bright morning on the borders of The Spire. Grandstaff surveys Dildo and the girls, who are on the verge of departing.
Grandstaff: Keep to the path as far as possible. By the end of the day, you should reach the camp grounds of Smirkwood.
Dildo looks disgruntled. All the girls are on horseback, but he’s on foot.
Dildo: What’s the deal? Don’t I get a pony ride?
Grandstaff: I’m afraid there’s been a shortage. Hardon’s need for horses is as great as his need for women. (confidentially to Dildo) He must satisfy many appetites, you see. I was fortunate to find this many mounts.
Dildo: (not mollified) Oh. That makes me feel much better. C’mon, then. Let’s get this show on the road.
With Dildo in the lead, the party sets off into the wild. Montage: Dildo and company cross a wide variety of landscapes – forests, snow-capped mountains, deserts, jungles, etc.
Floozie: (as they finally enter a lakeside clearing) Hey Dildo! It’s way past noon! Can’t we take a break?
Dildo: (dirty, disheveled and disgusted) What’s the matter, hon? Am I pushing you too hard?
Humpie: Oh, don’t be that way! Look! We packed a picnic lunch. (she holds up a covered wicker basket.)
Floozie: (with a teasing smile) Yeah. Wouldn’t you like to see what’s underneath the cloth?
Dildo: I gotta confess, I’ve been drooling for a taste. Okay, everybody get down!
They all dismount and soon a merry picnic is underway. Some of the girls sunbathe on blankets, while others frolic in the water or play with a Frisbee.
Dildo: This must be the camping ground Grandstaff mentioned. I guess we won’t do any more mounting today.
Gropie: (lasciviously) Awww, and I was counting on it! Sure you’re not in the mood, Dildo?
Dildo: (with a leering smile) Guess I could manage some time in the saddle! C’mon!
Gropie: (as they head for tall grass) Is it really true what they say about Throbbits?
Dildo: You’ll find out soon enough!
Dildo and Gropie disappear from view. Slow fade out.
Fade in. It’s now nighttime. The girls huddle together for warmth.
Loosie: Man, it gets cold out here!
Afrodo: Yeah! If I had balls, they’d be frozen off.
Pan to Dildo, who stands away from the group, shivering.
Dildo: (teeth chattering) Speaking of which, how’s about making room for me under those blankets!
Afrodo: No way! You want to get warm, build us a fire like we asked!
Dildo: What do I look like, a Boy Scout? It’s not my fault no one remembered to pack matches.
Humpie: (pointing) Well, there’s a glow coming from that direction, so someone’s got a campfire.
Loosie: Yeah. Go borrow a burning log or something.
Dildo: But it’s so far from the trail. Grandstaff said not to wander off!
Loosie: And you always do what Daddy tells you, right? (to the other girls) Aw, I’ll bet he’s too scared to check it out!
Afrodo: He sho’ ain’t much of a man!
Dildo: (his back up) Is that what you think? Then I’ll just have to prove how wrong you are! (to himself) Probably a bunch of weary travelers, same as us. No need to worry. I won’t be in any danger. (disgusted) Damn, I got whipped in a hurry!
Dildo creeps off in the direction of the flickering light. He makes his way to a clearing where three huge bikers crowd around a roaring campfire, devouring meat off the bone. Dildo is soon close enough to read the club name on their jackets: The Trolls.
Dildo: ...ahem!...(in a squeaking voice) Excuse me, guys. (the three slowly turn to face him.) I don’t mean to disturb your meal or anything, but do you think you could see your way clear to lend us...
One of the bikers shifts position, and Dildo now notices what sort of meat is roasting on the spit: tattered scraps clinging to a human skull. The biker gestures toward it.
Dildo: (hurriedly) Oh, no thanks! I really don’t want any head right now. Sorry I bothered you...
First Biker: Well, well, well! What have we here, gents?
Second Biker: Looks like breakfast, Sid. We can eat ‘im tomorrow!
Third Biker: A scrawny thing like that? He don’t look like breakfast to me.
Second Biker: No?
Third Biker: No! He looks like dessert! We can eat ‘im tonight!
The bikers rise and hulk towards Dildo. Unexpectedly, the girls enter the clearing.
Afrodo: What the hell’s takin’ you so long?
They stop dead at the sight of the bikers.
First Biker: Now this is what I calls dessert! Feast your eyes, boys! A sweet sight, and no mistake!
Second Biker: You said it! Why, I could eat ‘em raw, right here!
First Biker: Naw, you need ta butter ‘em up good first!
Third Biker: I say sit on their faces! That’ll tenderize ‘em!
The girls, far from being terrified, are excited by these suggestions. Dildo, with his back to them, doesn’t notice. The bikers close in.
Grandstaff: (off-screen) Hands off my investment, assholes!
There is the roar of a blazing machine-gun, and the bikers’ bodies twitch with the impact of scores of fired bullets. Soon, all three lie in a lifeless, bleeding pile. Grandstaff enters, bearing the smoking weapon.
Grandstaff: A good thing I decided to check on you. Who knows what these louts might have done!
Gropie: We had a pretty good notion!
Floozie: Yeah! Couldn’t you have waited half an hour?
Grandstaff: (very stern) I didn’t finance this expedition so you could get your jollies being mauled by the Troll Patrol! You’re heading for Bare-Adore, remember? I’d appreciate it if you did so with a minimum of marring bruises.
A chorus of disappointed moaning.
Grandstaff: You might as well make use of this fire tonight. In the morning, after a hardy breakfast, I’m sure you’ll have a brighter outlook.
Ditzee: And whatta we use for food? We ate it all at lunch!
A wicked leer splits Grandstaff’s face as his gaze shifts down to the slaughtered bikers.
All: Yuck!!!
Fade out.
Next week – Scene 5: “Mountin’ Men”.
Link to Scenes 1 & 2: http://www.tickletheater.com/showthread.php?p=335385#post335385
Link to Scene 5: http://www.tickletheater.com/showthread.php?p=340561#post340561
* * *
Lord of the Wrongs
Scene 4: “The Road to Whordor”.
Lord of the Wrongs
Scene 4: “The Road to Whordor”.
Fade in. EXTERIOR. It’s a bright morning on the borders of The Spire. Grandstaff surveys Dildo and the girls, who are on the verge of departing.
Grandstaff: Keep to the path as far as possible. By the end of the day, you should reach the camp grounds of Smirkwood.
Dildo looks disgruntled. All the girls are on horseback, but he’s on foot.
Dildo: What’s the deal? Don’t I get a pony ride?
Grandstaff: I’m afraid there’s been a shortage. Hardon’s need for horses is as great as his need for women. (confidentially to Dildo) He must satisfy many appetites, you see. I was fortunate to find this many mounts.
Dildo: (not mollified) Oh. That makes me feel much better. C’mon, then. Let’s get this show on the road.
With Dildo in the lead, the party sets off into the wild. Montage: Dildo and company cross a wide variety of landscapes – forests, snow-capped mountains, deserts, jungles, etc.
Floozie: (as they finally enter a lakeside clearing) Hey Dildo! It’s way past noon! Can’t we take a break?
Dildo: (dirty, disheveled and disgusted) What’s the matter, hon? Am I pushing you too hard?
Humpie: Oh, don’t be that way! Look! We packed a picnic lunch. (she holds up a covered wicker basket.)
Floozie: (with a teasing smile) Yeah. Wouldn’t you like to see what’s underneath the cloth?
Dildo: I gotta confess, I’ve been drooling for a taste. Okay, everybody get down!
They all dismount and soon a merry picnic is underway. Some of the girls sunbathe on blankets, while others frolic in the water or play with a Frisbee.
Dildo: This must be the camping ground Grandstaff mentioned. I guess we won’t do any more mounting today.
Gropie: (lasciviously) Awww, and I was counting on it! Sure you’re not in the mood, Dildo?
Dildo: (with a leering smile) Guess I could manage some time in the saddle! C’mon!
Gropie: (as they head for tall grass) Is it really true what they say about Throbbits?
Dildo: You’ll find out soon enough!
Dildo and Gropie disappear from view. Slow fade out.
Fade in. It’s now nighttime. The girls huddle together for warmth.
Loosie: Man, it gets cold out here!
Afrodo: Yeah! If I had balls, they’d be frozen off.
Pan to Dildo, who stands away from the group, shivering.
Dildo: (teeth chattering) Speaking of which, how’s about making room for me under those blankets!
Afrodo: No way! You want to get warm, build us a fire like we asked!
Dildo: What do I look like, a Boy Scout? It’s not my fault no one remembered to pack matches.
Humpie: (pointing) Well, there’s a glow coming from that direction, so someone’s got a campfire.
Loosie: Yeah. Go borrow a burning log or something.
Dildo: But it’s so far from the trail. Grandstaff said not to wander off!
Loosie: And you always do what Daddy tells you, right? (to the other girls) Aw, I’ll bet he’s too scared to check it out!
Afrodo: He sho’ ain’t much of a man!
Dildo: (his back up) Is that what you think? Then I’ll just have to prove how wrong you are! (to himself) Probably a bunch of weary travelers, same as us. No need to worry. I won’t be in any danger. (disgusted) Damn, I got whipped in a hurry!
Dildo creeps off in the direction of the flickering light. He makes his way to a clearing where three huge bikers crowd around a roaring campfire, devouring meat off the bone. Dildo is soon close enough to read the club name on their jackets: The Trolls.
Dildo: ...ahem!...(in a squeaking voice) Excuse me, guys. (the three slowly turn to face him.) I don’t mean to disturb your meal or anything, but do you think you could see your way clear to lend us...
One of the bikers shifts position, and Dildo now notices what sort of meat is roasting on the spit: tattered scraps clinging to a human skull. The biker gestures toward it.
Dildo: (hurriedly) Oh, no thanks! I really don’t want any head right now. Sorry I bothered you...
First Biker: Well, well, well! What have we here, gents?
Second Biker: Looks like breakfast, Sid. We can eat ‘im tomorrow!
Third Biker: A scrawny thing like that? He don’t look like breakfast to me.
Second Biker: No?
Third Biker: No! He looks like dessert! We can eat ‘im tonight!
The bikers rise and hulk towards Dildo. Unexpectedly, the girls enter the clearing.
Afrodo: What the hell’s takin’ you so long?
They stop dead at the sight of the bikers.
First Biker: Now this is what I calls dessert! Feast your eyes, boys! A sweet sight, and no mistake!
Second Biker: You said it! Why, I could eat ‘em raw, right here!
First Biker: Naw, you need ta butter ‘em up good first!
Third Biker: I say sit on their faces! That’ll tenderize ‘em!
The girls, far from being terrified, are excited by these suggestions. Dildo, with his back to them, doesn’t notice. The bikers close in.
Grandstaff: (off-screen) Hands off my investment, assholes!
There is the roar of a blazing machine-gun, and the bikers’ bodies twitch with the impact of scores of fired bullets. Soon, all three lie in a lifeless, bleeding pile. Grandstaff enters, bearing the smoking weapon.
Grandstaff: A good thing I decided to check on you. Who knows what these louts might have done!
Gropie: We had a pretty good notion!
Floozie: Yeah! Couldn’t you have waited half an hour?
Grandstaff: (very stern) I didn’t finance this expedition so you could get your jollies being mauled by the Troll Patrol! You’re heading for Bare-Adore, remember? I’d appreciate it if you did so with a minimum of marring bruises.
A chorus of disappointed moaning.
Grandstaff: You might as well make use of this fire tonight. In the morning, after a hardy breakfast, I’m sure you’ll have a brighter outlook.
Ditzee: And whatta we use for food? We ate it all at lunch!
A wicked leer splits Grandstaff’s face as his gaze shifts down to the slaughtered bikers.
All: Yuck!!!
Fade out.
End of Scene 4.
Next week – Scene 5: “Mountin’ Men”.
Link to Scenes 1 & 2: http://www.tickletheater.com/showthread.php?p=335385#post335385
Link to Scene 5: http://www.tickletheater.com/showthread.php?p=340561#post340561
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