Lyrics to a new song...tell me what you think.

[Dave2112]

I've had this concept kicking around in my head for awhile. I wrote this for a girl I know who seems to believe that "Looks are Everything". Let me know what you think, I want to record this as an acoustic piece.

"Mirror, Mirror"

When you stare at your refection
In the Mirror, Mirror on the wall,
Does it tell you all the things you want to hear
That you're the fairest of them all?

Like some Princess in a story
About a Magic castle way up high,
But your Prince has never come
And your Mirror cannot tell you why...


And now the Wicked Witch of Time
Has made your face kind of rough,
And the Dragon of Perfection tells you
No one's enough;
And you try to see your future there
In your Crystal Ball,
'Til the only thing that's left for you is the
Mirror Mirror on the Wall.


And though I might not be your legendary
Prince upon a Great White Steed,
And I might not give you everything you want
But I can give you what you need,

But an apartment out on Seventh Avenue
Is not a Castle made of Gold,
It doesn't fit in with the plans you made
From all the stories you've been told


And now the Wicked Witch of Time
Has made your face kind of rough,
And the Dragon of Perfection
Tells you no one's enough;
And you long to see your future told
In your Crystal Ball
'Til the only thing that's left for you is the
Mirror, Mirror on the Wall.

Now the Unicorns have all gone home,
And you stand there in your Crown alone;
Happily ever after seems
Such a long time ago
In some made-up childhood dream...


Once upon a time I thought that
We were gonna find a way
To make the fairy tales all come true,
See the light of Day,

But I cannot turn a Pauper into a Prince
Even though I try,
I only hope your White Knight's gonna be there for you
When you cry

I hope the Wicked Witch of Time
Will come and open your eyes
If you'd only look around you
You might be surprised;
You don't need to see you future told
In some Crystal Ball,
You need only turn and shatter
The Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...


(BTW, as a standard disclaimer...thses lyrics are copyrighted.😀 )

 

[Dave2112]

That bad, huh?

 

[Biscuit]

Dave: Warning and Disclaimer

First of all, I am completely unmusical. I know what I like, but I couldn't carry a tune in a bag. So my opinion probably isn't worth the monitor phosphors it takes to illuminate it.

But...

You did ask.


Has made your face kind of (a little) rough,

I don't know why, but this just flow better for me.


In some made-up childhood dream

I like this line, but I'm not really sure it belongs where you have it.?? Maybe somewhere later?


Oh, and I like the "dragon of Perfection". Fitting.


Also, I'm not really getting a feel for the rhythm of the song. If you could give me some idea of the sound, I'd probably have more useless, amateurish intuition for you. Sheet music would be worthless, though, since I'm quite inadept, I'm afraid.

Overall, I think it sounds like it has potential, but then my musical tastes are, er, eclectic is probably the word.

🙂

 

[Dave2112]

Thanks for your input, Biscuit. The only reason I used "Kind of" is that it fits the flow of the tune better, syllablically. It's hard to tell without hearing the music, I know.

The part about the "Childhood dream" is part of a bridge, and it fades into the next verse nicely, again hard to tell without the music.

I do appreciate your input and constructive criticism, Thanks!😀

 

[Dave2112]

And that's why we luv ya!😎

 

[qjakal]

Odd,...

Gotta agree with Biscuit....that same line bothers me...guess you're gonna have to post up an mp3, bud! Also would change "one's" to "one is", and perhaps think about the word "legendary" in this phrase:

And though I might not be your legendary
Prince upon a Great White Steed,

But, that's just me. Actually, an excellent piece of work! I have an unfinished one called "A Hot Day In Heaven", which of course is a discourse on the old "it'll be a cold day in hell" remark and it's implications. For some reason this reminds me of a bit of the emotional content there....it was too sad, and so I refused to give it life by finishing its grim verses.... Q

 

[Scooby112211]

The lyrics are copyrighted?? Damn...i don't suppose you want to here *my* rendition now that it won me a record deal...😉

Nah, great song though! Teach me how to write one day...all my songs sound like they're straight off of a Tenacious D album...(not that that's a bad thing 🙂)

 

[Helena]

Dave, ...

I thought your poem (song) is very good. Do you sing it with a great deal of anger? I think that would work well. I know you said that it will be acoustic, but drums, an electric guitar, and you screaming into the microphone would be cool.

Forgive me...I just think that you could try that to give it a punch.

Good luck with it.

 

[Helena]

Dave, ...

I thought your poem (song) is very good. Do you sing it with a great deal of anger? I think that would work well. I know you said that it will be acoustic, but drums, an electric guitar, and you screaming into the microphone would be cool.

Forgive me...I just think that you could try that to give it a punch.

Good luck with it.