More about Marriage

[girlfriend]

After reading the thread about marriage, I finally decided to register, though it's my boyfriend who's into tickling, not me. Can some of you married (or committed) folks give me some advice about what's worked for you? Am I being unreasonable to want him to limit his tickling to me and fantasy?

I don't think it would be depriving him of all that much. I mean, I let him tickle me, sometimes tying me up first. I've bought him a couple of tickling videos which we usually watch together. I obviously know about this site and his postings on it as well as all the clips he's downloaded (and continues to download). I've even come to have an appreciation of tickling for its effect on him. 😉
So all I'm asking is that he pass up the rare opportunity to tickle a friend when the occasion presents itself. Is this all that different than asking that he forego other women? Clearly, tickling does have a sexual component for him.

Despite numerous discussions about his fetish, I don't share it or anything like it and sometimes I just don't get it. The words make sense but there's no common experience to help me really understand. Can someone help me put things in perspective?

 

[dig dug dog]

Dear girlfriend,

If you are willing to let him tickle you AND you accept his fantasy life, I would say you are a super-excellent girlfriend and that you are fully doing your duty and perhaps going beyond it!

It is definitely NOT unreasonable to ask him to refrain from tickling other women (as you say, to him it is like kissing them, fondling them or more). If he can't understand and commit to that request for fidelity to you, then he does not deserve you.

Good luck and stay firm,

dig dug

 

[qjakal]

Yes, but....

Hi...I'm Qjakal, and have been married nearly 25 years to a wonderful woman who unfortunately isn't into tickling, but has sooo many other excellent qualities that it has somehow worked out! But....I DO still need to tickle, so she has had to learn to accept that I CAN separate the components of this activity. I can understand your puzzlement about this fascination, but trust me...if he has "it", then it's nearly IMPOSSIBLE for him NOT to tickle when the opportunity presents itself! The question is, does this mean anything to him other than fulfilling the burning deisire that rages within all of Tk fanatics? He needs to reassure you (if he does feel this way) that the activity is different with other women and that the emotion he feels towards you is unique....which may indeed be the case. I LOVE to tickle, but it doesn't mean that I'm in love with the person I'm tickling, or even all that fond of them....it's just something that I HAVE to do given the chance....sigh...it IS hard to understand if you don't experience the "rush" that even the word "tickle" brings to us...perhaps one of our female members will take a shot at it and give you some perspective? If not, I'll send Strel in here, and he'll write an incredible number of innovative insightful things...ok? Q

 

[dvnc]

Are you being unreasonable? Not if you're telling him what's acceptable, you're not. However, I've a consideration for you.

Consider tickling like kissing.

Picture that he kisses his mother. His niece. If he's gregarious and outward in affections, or Italian, he kisses friends. Likewise, he probably kisses his father. These are not the kiss you're receiving, hopefully with great regularity and zeal.

The "kissing" comparison is easy to choose, as the gesture means different things, dependent on context. Dancing is a similar comparison. It can be very erotic, yet folks have dances in nearly every culture. Perspective is key. That his interest CAN have a sexual context doesn't mean it always DOES. Mine doesn't. Some do, though. Ask him.

Asking him not to tickle other women as he tickles you isn't unreasonable in your culture, I'd imagine. It would be in mine, but I host gatherings, where folks into tickling get together, and are known to tickle one another. There's just no nudity, sexual activity, or the like. In my culture, such is normal, and casual.

Your bounds are your choice, of course.

Long post, huh? I have many thoughts to contribute, and hope you find use in them.

A suggestion for your situation - perhaps mentioning that specifically tickling other women will be viewed, by you, as flirting with them, and that you would be hurt by such. Make explicit and clear how it will feel to you, such that he knows it to be different than a mandate. Any lover worth his mate need know to grasp the concept of not hurting his lover.

Another suggestion - exchange. Is there aught you'd like more of, or some of, that is missing, that he could contribute in exchange for your contributing to his interest? While you don't have his interest, he may likely be perfectly willing to do for you as you do for him.

A concept of conflict with this - what if this is a boundary that's unacceptable to him? What if he feels that such play, while possibly even tittillating, is harmless? At that point, it's your decision to define, for both of you, where such behavior leaves you, and whether or not you feel as respected as you felt BEFORE such an event.

It's much wiser to know and understand each other's position, and see if you can negotiate things from there. Many can. Some can't. It's best to know, regardless. 7.5 years after, I wished most that I'd known sooner.

Oddly, she and I are friends now. She misses folks from the gatherings even, and contacts some of them from her new location with her new lover. The conflict between us might actually have been tolerable had we resolved more up front, and the necessary separation would definitely have been easier had it been earlier.

Trivia point - technically, this isn't a fetish in general. Anyone wanting to argue such should look up the DSM-IV definition. We're a sexual deviancy, same as folks who like oral sex, until you go farther than I do. When you go past consentual play, THEN you're nearer, but I recall that having a different nomenclature than fetish. Liking inanimate things (dresses, shoes, etc.) is fetishistic. This is more of a Paraphilia, if I remember rightly. Anyone a shrink here?

Somebody stop me. My brain's leaking out into a post.

That you're contributing to his interest already is a fine thing, and admirable in the eyes of folks here. That you enjoy his response to such play is laudable (some DO deride such). My hope for you, and anyone quietly reading this thread for help, is that you and yours find where you can define what's acceptable for you both, reach a common ground on it, reciprocate each other's efforts, and grow old loving one another.

Overtly romantic, and not sorry about it,

dvnc

 

[ktickler]

Mind is blank

Hi there,

I was trying to come up with something to say, but these fine folks pretty much said everything I could think of.

You are great to understand and accept his interest/obsession. Asking him to refrain from physical contact with other women is not unreasonable. However, I do agree with the fact that tickling itself does not have to be sexual. It is mainly a rush, a need, an addiction.

If he does not satisfy his desire for tickling by doing it to other people, then you will be getting all the "attention". Are you willing to take it? If you are, then it is fine. If you are not, then he needs to be able to satisfy his obsession. And he can do that without getting involved with the other person in any loving or sexual way. He will probably not even be attracted to the women he will tickle.

If he is somehow represing all these feelings by not tickling other women, then he might explode some day unexpectedly.

However, ultimately, you both have to talk and come to a common understanding. Is he agrees and assures you that he does not "need" to tickle other women, then there is no issue.

Wish you both the best.

Bye,

Knight Tickler

 

[dig dug dog]

I feel a need to add or clarify one important point given what some of the other folks have written here and elsewhere on the Forum.

Let's just get something straight about this "non-sexual tickling" issue. Of course there IS such a thing as non-sexual tickling, but let's simply say that those kind of folks do not spend hours and hours at places like the TMF, nor do they read stories, look at pictures or watch videos about all manner of tickling and its arts. I'm sorry to inform those who have thought otherwise, but tickling is not a hobby like stamp-collecting.

To use one of the stated examples: how many people go to websites which feature kissing relatives because they just have an ordinary, Platonic interest in kissing their aunt, their cousin Bob and so forth? Do they buy videos featuring this non-sexual kissing because it gives them a nice, warm feeling inside?

Clearly, you already know quite well that for your boyfriend tickling is very sexual. I believe it is for all of us here whether it is acknowledged or not. That's why you see all the talk by other posters here about tickling being a "burning desire" and an "addiction". And if it were totally a "casual" thing, there would be no issue to begin with.

"Girlfriend", don't buy the line that your boyfriend can't control himself--that wouldn't wash for actual sex and it shouldn't wash for tickling or other sexual expressions like kissing, massages, and the like. ("I'm sorry dear, I just have to rub my hands all over your beautiful friend's neck and shoulders--I can't help myself....")

HE has some compromising to do at this point--not you!

dig dug dog

 

[Strelnikov]

Hi Girlfriend, welcome to our house. I'm Strelnikov, the OTHER grumpy old man on the forum. Unfortunately, I can't add any philosophical points to what my friend qjakal or the others have posted. All I can offer is some personal experience.

Like Q, I'm married to a woman who isn't "into" tickling - 15 years, in my case. Perforce, I've had to branch out to satisfy the tickle craving. However, I've never cheated on my wife, nor have I ever seriously wanted to. Your guy CAN tickle others without being unfaithful to you - it's simply a question of intent.

Strelnikov

 

[girlfriend]

Thanks for the insights, guys. I'm still not comfortable with him tickling other women, but (for the moment, anyway) I haven't asked him to stop. He's always said (in other contexts) that he'd do anything I wanted if I'd just ask instead of demanding but I'm a little reluctant to 1) test that and 2) take advantage of it. Besides that, I did know about this "quirk" fairly early on (although certainly not the extent of it) and I do love him and yes, it probably is unfair of me to ask him to give up even this one small aspect of something that is a part of who he is. I don't understand it but I do believe him - and you - that tickling me is different from tickling other women. It's really not a question of trust. My problem is how it makes me feel - inadequate, unsure of myself, resentful - to name a few. In all other (tickling) regards, he calls me his TMF fantasy girl. I was hoping that would be good enough but life's not ever that simple, is it?

Qjakal and Strelnikov, one more question. You mention that your wives aren't into tickling. Do you think you would have sought out other outlets if they had been willing participants?

girlfriend

 

[glentickle]

I am always amazed, though no longer surprised, at the insight and clarity of expression of some of our members.

I love you guys!

glen

 

[Blackstar216]

Girlfriend,

If you never do another thing for your man, you've already done MORE than plenty. He needs to realize that it's his thing. It's hard for people with fetishes to understand why everyone else isn't into it too.

ON the other hand:
I am a guy who does become physically aroused when tickling female friends, but believe me. The motivations for doing this tickline are NOT sexual. I have a feeling his aren't either.
You might want to take that into consideration and maybe relax. I'm sure it's not a sign of cheating or anything like that.

For me presonally, I wish I DIDN'T get physically aroused by it. That way I could tickle lady friends innocently without them wondering about a third leg touching them. It's annoying.
Believe me when I say that if he had his own choice of it, he'd only get aroused when tickling you and you alone.

 

[tcrewme]

Hmmm....

Girlfriend,
You mentioned:
"It's really not a question of trust. My problem is how it makes me feel - inadequate, unsure of myself, resentful - to name a few."
A question comes to mind with the way you say this.
When you say he tickles your friends. Do you mean like quick tickles, like a flick up an exposed sole, or do you mean an extended session, like tied up and tickled?
If it is a quick tickle. Then I would not be worried, he is just having some fun(at least that is how I take it(I am a married male)).
But if he wants to tie and tickle, then that is a different story.

I believe if they are quick tickles, he is playing around, just goofing off. If they are quick tickles, his tickling is not in place of you, he is just having fun.
I can not tell you how to feel, nor would I try.
But, and this is just me, when I run a finger up the sole, it is for fun, I am not even thinking sexually. But if I have my wife tied up then all I am thinking is sexually.
But again if it maeks you feel inadequate, unsure of myself, resentful, then you need to tell him your feelings and make sure you get his side of things, then you should ask hiim to only tickle you.
Good luck to you and your boyfriend.

 

[dig dug dog]

"Once more into the breach" for you, Girlfriend, because you seem like such a nice person:

Girlfriend--not ALL of us told you to be "comfortable" with your guy's behavior. I'm curious if you heard my words of encouragement. Did you? I am also married (and not so young) if that helps you. At any rate, I'm going to press forward again with my message of sanity and support as I battle the waves of rationalization washing up along this thread.

It's like this: tickling IS sexual. Now men can (almost always do) have sexual feelings and can even act on them without those actions indicating love for the person. OF COURSE, if your guy tickles a woman at a party it does not mean he loves her like he loves you--BUT, it is VERY much like his going up to her and giving her a warm, lingering kiss. You know, I even heard there are guys who have intercourse with women and don't love them--can you believe that?!

To my respected colleagues of this thread--why should tickling be classified any differently than other kinds of romantic, flirtatious, sexual behavior? If this guy had a thing for fondling breasts, would you be telling Girlfriend that he really enjoys it, but it doesn't mean he cares for those other fondlees--just relax and go with it???

I repeat what I've said before--please LISTEN to the logic: If it is NOT sexual for this guy, but only a "thing" he does (for some unknown reason, with no motive other than "fun") why in the world is it a big deal for him to stop? In fact, it is a HUGE deal for him to stop because it is a source of SO much deeply felt sexual pleasure and stimulation--which he won't give up right now for his current girlfriend.

As Girlfriend says, it is "part of him"--the sexual part--she KNOWS this as clear as day. He downloads clips, he watches videos, he gets really turned on by tickling girls. He's just like all of us here--HE LOVES TICKLING, in a deeply physical, gratifying, sexual way.

Several people who have posted here are using the term "sexual" in a VERY specific way. To them it means an act that will lead to intercourse (or similar deeds). That is NOT the point. I'm not saying that your boyfriend's tickling will lead to intercourse. I am saying that he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to continue enjoying sexual/tickling stimulation with other women. Hey, I get it, HE'S A GUY!! His desire is understandable, but you are TOTALLY JUSTIFIED in not wanting him to act on it. Don't let him and don't let him plead, "I have no choice...it's just the way I am!" It is the way ALL guys are--most with other sexual desires, some with tickling.

It makes me SO angry that this leaves you questioning yourself! He is the one who must confront his own level of commitment. OF COURSE you are resentful. IT'S LIKE HE'S MAKING OUT WITH OTHER WOMEN. That is what the tickling means to him. There is absolutely no reason you have to accept this. For God's sake--you are not even asking him to change his fantasy life! He should be SOOOOO grateful to you and you should be SOOOOO confident that you are indeed being FAIR.

As you said, it is not about trust. It is about his being a grown-up who doesn't make exuses for why he cannot control himself. In all seriousness, if it is really some kind of addiction or uncontrollable behavior, have him go to psychotherapy. He will learn so much about himself that way and about how to improve his relationship with you.

Good luck!

dig dug dog

 

[glentickle]

Yes. Dig Dug Dog, I believe you have hit the nail on the head. Especially the part about "rationalizations." It is utter nonsense for a man, or any person, to claim an inability to control the urge to tickle, or to perform any other erotic act. If in fact such an inability existed, it would have to be regarded as an extreme psychological dysfunction (though I will yield to DVNC's knowledgeable judgment on this).

IF there is a man out there who says "I can't help it, it's just a part of me that I cannot control," then he is my enemy. Let me explain: I am a bred-in-the-bone lover of tickling. It is as essential a part of me as my skin and eye color. I have felt consumed by this desire, but never have I been unable to control it. It would be advantageous to me if I could claim otherwise, obviously, because of all the shit I could then get away with. And perhaps that's what the boyfriend in question has been doing. Quite simply, this reflects so poorly on every other man with a tickling deviancy that I wish to stand up for the rest of the community and say "we are not freaks, we are not people with an out-of-control sexual desire, and anyone who says we are is lying."

Girlfriend, you've received some excellent opinions here. On several sides of the issue. Now it's up to you to decide what you feel in your heart is right for yourself.

glen

 

[Ayla ny]

if you are doing something that makes someone you love feel "inadequate, unsure of myself, resentful"... you stop.

 

[girlfriend]

THANKS, DDD

Of course, I heard your words of encouragement, dig dug. I was thrilled to see someone backing me up completely. But so many of the other responses sounded familiar. My boyfriend's been saying the same things to me for awhile now. Not that that changes the way I FEEL but as Tcrewme said, these are basically quick tickles not extended sessions (that's my rational side speaking, not my emotional side). I don't have a good solution... He doesn't give it up and I feel hurt or he agrees to give it up at my request and resents me for asking And perhaps devotes a lot more of his energy fixating on whether people are ticklish when he could find out and move on.

Sure, I think I'm being way beyond understanding to want him to give up what even he says is a very small part of this thing but one of his arguments is that if it's so small, what't the big deal? He's not going to gatherings, he's not out running around etc. So, we're trying to come up with ways to deal with it.

ps. My boyfriend seems to think you might back him up more if you knew who he is... rally around one of your own, so to speak, and you do seem like a loyal, caring group, so to remove all doubt, he's asked me not to identify him. Or maybe he's just afraid I'll say something awful and get him booted out. 😉 I DO tend to speak my mind.

girlfriend

 

[Blackstar216]

Wait now, you know I backed you up earlier.

I just didn't think that a poke in the side of a female friend is much to be concerned about. When it gets extended, that's why you grab him by the ear!

 

[tcrewme]

In that case...

Girlfriend,
If your boyfriend tickling someone other than you bothers you that much and it is such a little part for him, then he should be willing to just tickle you and not others.
When I spoke I was speaking from my and my wife's point of view.
I DO seperate the quick tickles and they are not sexual for me, just fun, Honest! But that is me and my wife, not you and your boyfriend.
Again, if it bothers you he should be willing to stop tickling others and just tickle you to pieces ;-)

 

[glentickle]

Girlfriend, I think you understand this already, but:

The point is that these "little" tickles are not so small. They are expressions of romantic love. By "romantic" I don't mean to conjure up an emotional or theatrical image; I refer specifically to the love that has an erotic, or sexual, component, as distinct from filial or fraternal love.

A man with a tickling fetish (to misuse the term) is a person whose innate sexuality is directed into an uncommon outlet. I see it as being analogous to homosexuality: there's nothing wrong with it, in and of itself, but there may be a difficult adjustment to society, especially in adolescence, depending on the level of acceptance one finds, and depending on whether expression of this sexuality is perceived to be prohibited. Okay, that was long-winded. To put it briefly: I love to tickle, which is a blessing because I have a hightened capacity to experience sexual pleasure. But it would be a curse if I had to suppress it.

Your boyfriend, it seems to me, is using his fetish as an excuse to behave in a way that would be improper for anyone, regardless of their particular sexual orientation. A gay man in a committed relationship would NEVER be permitted to screw other men and get away with it by saying "I can't help it; I'm gay." Beyond sexuality, there is the larger issue of human compassion, decency, and maturity. Your boyfriend knows he is hurting you with his dalliances, and he is unfairly exercising control and power by playing on your emotions. Not that I assume he is doing so out of malice. But to say things like "I'll give it up if you want me to," when he KNOWS you want him to, is an unfair tactic in any relationship. To say "why does it bother you if it's such a small deal" when he KNOWS it isn't a small deal is, again, simply unfair.

Boyfriend, if you are reading this, believe me...you will have a much greater capacity for joy once you learn to give up a little bit of your desire in exchange for the greater comfort of a loving, intimate relationship. If you are not ready to do this, it's okay -- you're just not ready yet. Don't get married, and don't commit yourself to a monogamous relationship. There's nothing wrong with desiring multiple partners, and there's nothing wrong with having them -- as long as you don't deceive any of them, or exert unfair control over their emotions. If you find that your libido fades as you get older, and if the frenzied desire to tickle every woman in the world begins to seem less important, you may come to desire the joy and comfort of being in a monogamous relationship; it will be of utmost importance that you understand how to be part of such, and you can practice now by being honest with yourself, and with any partners you become involved with.

One last thing: one would expect that all of us tickle-folks would rally round "one of our own." But we're a diverse group of people, like any other; yes, it is our sexual orientation that brings us together here, but that's only the surface issue. You would never expect people to take sides on an issue based on heterosexuality -- that would be absurd. I am heartened to read the responses to this post, precisely because most did not simply take sides based on sexuality. We do seem to be a compassionate bunch, intelligent, sensitive, sincere, and...a bunch of other good stuff. It's nice to be here.

glen

 

[qjakal]

Apples and Oranges...

I understand the point of many of the posts here, but I disagree with the basic premise of them, namely that tickling = intercourse. Nope...nope..nope. To answer your earlier question to me, girlfriend...I don't know if I would still be tempted to tickle others if my wife was into it, but I believe I would still be interested in short quick tickling with acquaintances. That's the way it FEELS to me anyway. Many of our members have different takes on tickling and different responses to inflicting and receiving these quick tickles...so I can certainly see why it would be confusing for you, not being blessed with this fascination. All I can say is that you are certainly a sweetheart for your willingness to experiment, and that if your boyfriend is clever (as most of the brethren are..😉 ), he will appreciate the heck out of that quality, and attempt to find the middle ground that will allow you both to exist comfortably and enjoy the excitement that is produced by this tk'ing activity. Perhaps you haven't tried working together with him to inflict some tickling on an unsuspecting mutual friend? Given your adventurous nature so far, you might want to see if this or similar activities performed together changes the equation a bit for you. If not, and the feelings of resentment continue, I would not express much hope for the future....the experience of the older members tends to lend credence to the idea that suppressing the desire to tickle doesn't work for any extended period of time,despite our best intentions and ability to make intelligent rational decisions. However, as Glen and others pointed out, we ARE all a bit different, so you are most likely the best judge of the situation. Good Luck to you both! Q

 

[MikeM]

This may be silghtly off the path here but I guess any input is always welcome. I would love to be in a marrige to someone who is into this.

In trying to find girls into tickling for serious relationships and/or marriage I've not been that lucky. I did have one for a short time who always tickled me with the poke in the ribs stuff and perhaps a bit harsher. Usually while driving or at a time that I couldn't fight back. She had a real sadistic streak when she would do it too. Not all that playful. And her first threat whenever she wanted her way was that she would tickle me to death. Sometimes she would even say she was gonna tie me to the bed and tickle my ribs till she got her way.

This lead me to think she might be into tickling more than I thought. She wasn't. When I approached her with an actual session and what I wished, she freaked. So I guess my point is that it's so different person to person and varies so much that I wouldn't worry about a poke here or there. Few people on the oustside view it as we do.

Most other girls I've ever encountered online have usually turned out to be some sick guys faking it for some reason. I've my reservations about women on this board too at times. But I keep trying. I like to tickle guys too or see them tickled. There's so few F/m sites that it's annoying. I still hope to find a person who will share this with me to whatever degree. And if they are to poke or tickle others, it's fine by me so long as I get some too.

M