Mother in law blues

[tkl3251]

OK, I will keep this short. My mother in law is a big fat bully. She seems like someone who has gotten through life by bullying people and throwing money at them. She bullys her husband, and she bullys her daughter (my fiancee).

She has taken little jabs at me, but I have taken little jabs back - all in play, but we both know we are testing each other's limits.

She is also realizing that she cannot control me with money like she does other people - I got by without it in the past, I'll be plenty fine in the future

Now she is making attempts to bully - MY PARENTS! Bold move, but she did it. Needless to say, I am livid and ready to explode.

After 8 years of dating, the g/f and I are getting married in 5 months. Because of the race issue, I only met her parents 2 years ago, and only started to see this side of the mother recently.

How do I handle this? Sadly I cannot expect my g/f to step in, b/c she is so timid, and besides, her mother would eat her alive if she showed any kind of rebeliousness (even more sad is that this is not an 18-year old girl... double the age to get a ballpark estimate... enough said!)

My g/f and I have invested so much together - it would be a shame to end it because of her witch mother. At the same time, I know that it can only get worse.

This is an older woman I am dealing with. Probably more experienced with conflict that I am. Set in her ways. If she were just picking on me, I would bite my tongue and deal with it. But she is picking on my parents!

They are telling me not to say anything, but this is a battle I cannot back away from. I need to put a stop to it before it gets worse.

But if I do, I am worried that this will explode.

Any experience to share, or any suggestions on how to handle this?

 

[juggernaut]

You're going to be married and the head of a house. You have to fight this battle.

Show your monster-in-law that you're willing to defend yourself, your family, and your beliefs or you'll never get any respect from her. And do it in a mature way. Don't say things designed to hurt or get even. Take the higher ground and draw the line, and when she gets too close to it, let her know. You can't just wait around for her to die so things get better and you can't battle her to see who's gonna win. This will never resolve itself. You have to stand in the middle and show her that it's okay to have an opinion, but ultimately... you're going to decide what's best for you and your wife.

You didn't specify what's been said or the nature of the bullying, unless it had to do with the race issue. Anyone will tell you - a pastor, a counselor, a married person with years of experience -you have to have to have to set up boundaries and make people respect them.

Good luck with the wedding. It's over before you know it, so don't let someone ruin it for you with a bunch of distractions.

 

[Camel26]

I'm unfortunately in a similar boat...and I feel for you...

I have been pondering over the last few days if it's worth going through with the wedding if it means I have to deal with this bitch for the rest of my life...I think it would be more unbearable to not have my fiance in my life...so I have to deal with the bitch...and once the wedding is done, the bitch is no longer in charge, so that's a card that I look forward to playing!

Hang in there babe...you and your lady will be ok...stand your ground, be true to yourself and your lady, and everything will work out...

Keep us all posted...my hopes and love are with you!!!

 

[Celtic_Emperor]

She's trying to psyche you out. She obviously either thinks you're not good enough for her daugther or that you're going to take her daughter away.

She acts like a bully because she's a coward.

Just keep doing what you're doing and avoid confrontations with her. Her act will collapse on itself and she'll either humiliate herself in front of alot of people, or someone else (possibly groups of people) will defend you and tell her off.

At which point, she'll have several options:

1.) She can pretend she's ok with the marriage and let it eat her up inside.

2.) She can get over this, let her daughter go, and wish you the best.

3.) She can, seeing that she can do nothing, turn her energies to something else.

I want to give her the benefit of the doubt that she's just horribly misunderstood, but my first ex girlfriend had an impossible mother too. And when I met her she had the mentality of an immature teenager(and she's like a 50 year old woman), she was nosy as all hell, she was very rude, she was talking behind my back, and she expected me to pay for bills that were not mine to pay.

Her own children (my ex and her brother) all attest to how difficult she is and seemed ashamed of her. She's also divorced, though I don't know if that had anything to do with it. Thankfully I knew this going in to visit, but it didn't prepare me for what a psycho monster this woman truely was. She was also fat and ugly, so that didn't help in looking at her, let along dealing with her.

She struck me as someone who wanted other people to pay her way.

Anyways, I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt too, but it just didn't work out, and the last day of my trip she and I actually got into eachother's face and had a shouting match which she started right in front of the airport terminal. This woman who is more than twice my age, lost her composure and starting ranting and raving like a lunatic.

I have NEVER spoken to an elder that way, but this woman was unbelievable and I didn't see her as a mother or a woman, just this fat blob thats spewing shit at me for no reason good enough, and she was trying to get her daughter (my ex) who was so stunned she could only stand there and watch and cry, between me and her so she'd turn against me or takes sides. I had never screamed, yelled, argued, or ranted as loud and as hard as I did that day. That woman really brought out the worst in me for a moment (which felt like forever).

I go into the airport to go to my terminal, and just when I think I've heard the last of it, my ex comes up from behind and hands me back the money I gave the mother earlier to pay for my expenses, and the money was ripped in two.

She sent her daughter into the airport to find me, just to give me the ripped up money back. Not only that, but she told me (and I walked back enough to see the mother) that her mother was saying she was going to call my mother and complain about me. I thought she was just bluffing, but she she actually did because I saw her dial numbers, and upon returning to my home from the airport, sure enough were several messeges on our machine of this monster yelling and screaming about how disrespectful I was.

Seeing how I'd have to deal with this sick monster if I continued seeing my ex, I just couldn't stand it, so I broke it off, which, in retrospect, is probably what the mother wanted (though this certainly wasn't an act). Although, my ex and I were thinking of calling it quits at that point anyways, so the mother really just sort of made it official. This was a blessing in disguise, I tell you what! LOL! 😀

Sorry for focusing on myself here for a moment, but your problem really brought back some bad memories.

Anyways, just keep doing what you're doing. Things will work out as they are intended to. I wasn't meant to be in a crazy relationship like that and you and your fiancee may just move on from this. Be strong for her sake, but don't underestimate the mother.

 

[juggernaut]

I guess a grittier way of saying what I said earlier is you will never change her. People typically become more like they already are as they age. My dad always said "Don't start any shit... but don't take any, either". I guess that's what I'm saying. I know how good it feels to get in someone's face and just let them know what you're thinking, but it only ever makes it worse. Like Vlad said, do your thing and avoid her as much as possible. Focus on your wedding and if she wants to play a positive role in that, great. If not, she'll expose herself as an ass even more than she has. But you wasting your time or energy combatting her will only put more pressure on your fiancee. Remember, as much as you two may agree that she's being an ass, it's still her mother and she'll measure everything that's said to her.

Keep an eye on her and an open ear and if she crosses the line too far... POW!!!! Right in the kisser with a hatchet. Okay back to reality........

 

[tkl3251]

Thank you Nerrad, Camel26 and Vladislaus for all of your insight and shared experiences!

Nerrad you are right, I need to take the higher road, only to be able to look at myself in the mirror and know I did the right thing. Although I must admit, there are a few Trump cards I really feel like playing...

Camel26, I too wish you luck with your wedding and more important, your marriage! It is great that you are keeping an eye on the real prize, which is spending the rest of your life with your man.

My g/f insisted that we live steps away from her mother, so I know I will be seeing more of her instead of less... but I think I will just avoid her nonetheless.

Vladislaus, I guess in retrospect you can look back on your experience and breathe a sigh of relief that you don't have to deal with that lady anymore. It's amazing how selfish she sounded, being willing to try humiliate her daughter that way at the airport. I admire you for walking back to the mother after she returned the money. That took a lot of strength.

My resolution will be to stop pulling jabs on my end, even jokingly. And perhaps instead of confronting her directly about bullying my parents, I will mention it to my g/f first and see what happens.

Thanks again folks for your advice, i am feeling much better now.

 

[Celtic_Emperor]

Keep an eye on her and an open ear and if she crosses the line too far... POW!!!! Right in the kisser with a hatchet. Okay back to reality........

I would have loved to have a hatchet when I was in that situation! That whole "never hit a woman" rule was really trying me! What good did it do that she was a woman? That's just a technicality! She didn't deserve to be treated like one.

No ammount of money could make me go back and relive that, though. That was the worst experience in my young life ever.

 

[Celtic_Emperor]

Thank you Nerrad, Camel26 and Vladislaus for all of your insight and shared experiences!

Nerrad you are right, I need to take the higher road, only to be able to look at myself in the mirror and know I did the right thing. Although I must admit, there are a few Trump cards I really feel like playing...

Camel26, I too wish you luck with your wedding and more important, your marriage! It is great that you are keeping an eye on the real prize, which is spending the rest of your life with your man.

My g/f insisted that we live steps away from her mother, so I know I will be seeing more of her instead of less... but I think I will just avoid her nonetheless.

Vladislaus, I guess in retrospect you can look back on your experience and breathe a sigh of relief that you don't have to deal with that lady anymore. It's amazing how selfish she sounded, being willing to try humiliate her daughter that way at the airport. I admire you for walking back to the mother after she returned the money. That took a lot of strength.

My resolution will be to stop pulling jabs on my end, even jokingly. And perhaps instead of confronting her directly about bullying my parents, I will mention it to my g/f first and see what happens.

Thanks again folks for your advice, i am feeling much better now.

Thanks, I guess. LOL! 😀

Just expect her attempts to be alot more forward and stronger from here on out. The closer the wedding comes, the more likely she is to interfere or "up the anty", as it were.

My best advice is to pretend the mother simply does not exist. Hell may come down on you for it, but treat her like she's completely transparent and only acknowledge her when you have to. Also, be as polite as possible. It will make you look better.

I sure hope your girl doesn't get caught in the middle. You need to have countermeasures against that too. Never put it past a coniving, bitter, bitch of a mother to manipulate her own daughter if she feels she has to.

 

[juggernaut]

That was the worst experience in my young life ever.

It must be. You don't often talk about your own messes. It's usually someone else's. It sucks, but it equips you for things later in life.


I just always remember what my college professor told me in his office one day: If it's got t*ts or tires... it's gonna cause you problems.

 

[Celtic_Emperor]

It must be. You don't often talk about your own messes. It's usually someone else's. It sucks, but it equips you for things later in life.


I just always remember what my college professor told me in his office one day: If it's got t*ts or tires... it's gonna cause you problems.

Oh, definitely. I'm not glad it happened, but the experience I got out of it was alot to consider.

I feel like I'm now equipped for anything! If I could stare her in the face and take her crap without backing down then I'm near.....nay....AM invincible! 😀

 

[juggernaut]

My mother-in-law is awesome. I love her. But we had a major blow out once and I think handling it the way I did showed her I'd stand up for her daughter the same way and we came out of it even better than before. She treats me better than my own mother.

 

[Camel26]

Thanks--my fiance, also female, has a wonderful mom...when her mom isn't with the mulleted, disgusting, gorilla of a boyfriend she's got, she's a great lady...

But I don't know anymore if I want to be a part of a family where he is accepted as human...

Nor do I want my children to be around him ever in the future...

So do I give up the relationship of almost 3 years because this extraneous family bullshit is there? Or hold onto the one person who has ever loved me with all they have? It's a shitty position to be in.

 

[juggernaut]

But I don't know anymore if I want to be a part of a family where he is accepted as human...

Sorry, but that's funny.

I'm 100% for the unity and harmony in a family. Accept the differences and learn to live without throwing stuff in someone's face all the time. And after you've tried that and it still doesn't work... look out for yourself. There's nothing wrong or selfish about the wanting to live your life being your own boss and deciding what's best for yourself and your family. If you never got to that point, it would mean your parents failed. I tried helping my mom understand that she could quit parenting me after I turned 30 and got married, but she still doesn't get it. She still treats us all like we're idiots and is very condescending. My sister has three kids and has been married 15 years, I do well being self employed, my one brother is married, has kids, and pastors a church of 1200. My youngest brother works in the Pentagon and has the highest level security clearance the gov't offers. And yet... it's still not good enough. We've battled her for years to just accept things, be proud, live and let live - whatever. Nope. She's still gonna give us shit, so we've all just gently turned away from it and we look out for our own families.

My dad died in '03 and she has this live-in bum of a boyfriend that is nothing but a sponge. She thinks he's God's gift, we think he's useless. But we don't kick in her door and give her shit about it. She's an adult and can do as she pleases, regardless or our opinion. That's the bare minimum you should be getting from your family. Alot of you are questioning whether you should let go of these relationships to appease the family. You should never have to. You give them up, what do you still have? A bitchy, unsupportive parent? A mom with an inhuman boyfriend? What do you get out of it? Nothing will change and they get what they want and get to keep what they have, along with getting to call the shots in someone else's life while you sacrifice.

Sorry to rant, but that's a raw nerve for me the last couple years. Camel, if your fiancee loves you and treats you well and makes you happy, it's your mom's obligation to support you in that. And if the monkey she's dating can't behave, she needs to step in and shut him up. Blood comes first.

Say things get better for a while and down the road a couple years, it gets bad again with your mom. What do you do? Divorce your partner? Give back any kids you have? Fuuuuck no. You're asking yourself this because you don't feel locked into it yet. Think about a few years down the road, though, and it may seem different. You'll protect what you have and avoid things that are damaging. Sad as it is, sometimes that's a parent.

Good luck to all of you with this. Speaking from experience... it pisses you off, it hurts, and it's hard. But after you play a little hardball yourself [deservedly], it gets easier and you feel better. The thing that lets you sleep at night is knowing that you weren't the first to get hot-headed, you're not the one who keeps it going, and you've given it every single chance. And when they repeatedly refuse to compromise, you can say "I did all I could. The rest is up to them."

 

[tkl3251]

...

My best advice is to pretend the mother simply does not exist. Hell may come down on you for it, but treat her like she's completely transparent and only acknowledge her when you have to. Also, be as polite as possible. It will make you look better.

I sure hope your girl doesn't get caught in the middle. You need to have countermeasures against that too. Never put it past a coniving, bitter, bitch of a mother to manipulate her own daughter if she feels she has to.

You are right. I have got to remain stoic, cold but polite. I realize as you said, it will make me look good, but also she won't have any fodder to start playing the "...well you said this to me last time..." game.

I could never put my g/f in the middle of this, even if I wanted to. There is no way I could win. Let's just say... if my g/f had balls, her mother would be squeezing them tight!

 

[Celtic_Emperor]

I realize as you said, it will make me look good, but also she won't have any fodder to start playing the "...well you said this to me last time..." game.

Exactly. Don't give her any ammunition and she'll quit eventually.