my dilemma (first post - 2nd try)

[ler4life]

Shoot... I just wrote a book and evidently wasn't logged in, so I lost it all when I tried to post it. Well, let me sum it up as quickly as I can.

First of all.. this is an awesome site! I have had a tickling fetish since birth, and finally got the idea to look on the internet for tickling in 1997. Been hooked ever since.

I am newly married (1 year, 1 month) to a very beautiful, extremely ticklish 24-year-old woman. I am 23. She absolutely hates to be tickled. The problem is, I have tickled her every day for the past 3 1/2 years. She gets very angry with me, has cried on occasion while telling me how serious she is about hating to be tickled and even telling me more than once that she couldn't live with me if I continued to tickle her.

I do not tickle her for lengthy periods (never done it longer than 30 seconds which is still quite long for her). Quick little tickles make her mad. I have gotten mad at myself a few times, and I have tried to make myself forget about tickling, but of course it will never happen. I was born this way and I'll be a ler4life. When we first started dating she didn't get so mad at me, except when I tried to tickle her feet. I went into some detail in the original post I tried to send, but will have to cut that out right now as I am running short on time (I can post stories if anyone wishes to hear them, her feet are extremely ticklish, and I love feet). As time went on and I tickled her more and more, she started getting very frustrated and angry with me. I just cannot help myself though. Anyhow, one night I had just made her very mad, so I thought maybe it was time to tell of about my fetish. I thought it would either make me so embarrassed that I would never tickle her again b/c she would know every time that I did it how much I loved it and about the whole fetish thing, etc..., or what I really hoped would happen is that she would agree to let me tickle her ever so often to satisfy myself. I couldn't tell her with my mouth, I had to write it in a letter (I'm a wimp). She responded by laughing really hard b/c she thought I was kidding and making it up.. I then gave her the URL for MTP and she went there. She believed me then, and she did not like the site (mostly because it had some nudity). As I laid on the bed with a pillow over my head from embarrassment, she came and sat by me and wanted to talk. She was very caring acting (mainly b/c I was embarrassed) and she asked me "How does tickling make you feel? Do you want to tickle those girls? Do you want to tickle me?" I wanted to say yes, but I couldn't b/c I did not know how she would respond. She told me "I just cannot stand to be tickled", so I figured she'd never agree to anything. I told her just to forget I ever told her this... yeah right! Then she said, "Maybe we can make tickling a part of our love-life, but do it ONLY before we make love".... I was extremely happy, but tried not to show it... I'm so stupid b/c I should have just told her that I would like that... instead I acted like I just wanted her to forget about the whole thing and acted like I hated myself... it got me nowhere b/c she has never mentioned it again, and she still gets very mad when I tickle her.

I want to tie and tickle someone so bad... I would like it to be my wife, but I would tickle another girl if I had the chance. Would this be wrong? I would have to go behind my wife's back... I'd almost feel like I was cheating, though I would never do anything but tickle her.

If anyone can give me advice on how I might be able to bring it up to my wife again... it's very hard, but I really really want to restrain her just once... Thanks. I look forward to posting more in teh future.

 

[Tickling Motty]

Hiya Ler4life, first of i would like to welcome you to the forum, its good to have you around.

Secondly, im not good on advice really, but it seems your in a very bad situation, something you havent got control in. I would say talk to her again, this time tell her how you feel about it instead of writing it in a letter. Theres no need to be embarrased now as she knows about your fetish. You cant do anything unless you talk it over first. Tell her how you really feel, and if she cant help with you with your love for tickling, explain to her that you want to explore tickling and want to tickle someone. She may help you, or not, but the only way your gonna find out is if you talk to her.

Sorry if that advice was awful, im no good with it, but i hope i did help a little

Andy

 

[qjakal]

Welcome...

Not sure if you have as big a problem as you might think...other than screwing up the resolve to address the issue once again in a more definite manner this time. I'm sure you'll be getting a bit (TMF sarcasm there..lol)more advice of a wide variety, but I think you already know what you need to do...

Good Luck and have fun on the Forum,btw! Q

 

[MadKalnod]

You just have to be honest with her. The trick is, you can't make such a big deal of it. Since this will be her first exposure to tickling in an erotic context, your attitude will detrmine how she reacts. If you act like it's some horrible, shameful secret, then that's how she'll have to see it. If you treat it like a sick fetish, that's how she'll see it. If you are open and honest, and tell her that it is just another part of you, a way that you express love and affection, and generally put a positive face on it, she'll see it in those terms instead. The biggest mistake that so many people make is blowing up this little facet of our sexuality into the be-all and end-all of our identity.

Another thing that I've found always goes a long way towards helping a woman accept tickling as an erotic thing is to let her tickle me first, and tell her why I enjoy it. It's difficult to expect a woman to submit to something you won't go through with yourself. A mutually enjoyed experience always goes over better than something she perceives as being "done to" her.

You have, however, mishandled the situation somewhat. I say this not to put you down, but as my honest assessment for damage control purposes. You've said that you tickle her every day, and that she becomes angry every day and tells you that she doesn't like it. You've said that you continued this behavior even after she found out and offered to accomodate you (Which to her eyes, you refused by acting like you weren't pleased.) This is not a good sign. It tells me that you have larger problems with respecting her feelings and putting her needs before your wants. It tells me that you have problems with self-restraint. It tells me that you have a problem communicating with her on an intimate level. If you are that determined to keep doing something that you know upsets her, no matter what it is, you are setting yourself up for heartbreak. The tickling is just another symptom of a much bigger problem in your relationship that may be manifesting itself in other areas which you haven't discussed here. You may need to see a professional counselor about this.

DO NOT attempt to find another woman to tickle. She knows you are aroused by it, and she will see it as the adulterous act it truly would be. Don't tell me it's only tickling so it doesn't legally qualify as adultery or any other Lawyer's weaseling around the fact. You know better, in your heart. I presume that you love your wife and married her for a long litany of reasons. Can you look me in the eye and tell me that all those reasons you love her are less important than a brief moment of sexual pleasure? Can you look her in the eye and tell her that your continued marriage isn't worth a little self-control? That you would risk throwing away everything you have together rather than avoid letting your libido dictate your actions? Could you look at yourself in the mirror after that? I know I sure as hell couldn't.

She offered you a compromise. You chose poorly by not discussing it with her further. She hates to be tickled, but was willing to go through with it for you because she cared. Do you not recognize what a sacrifice she was willing to make for you? Can you not see what a magnificent treasure you have in your wife?!? I may not have experienced it often, but I know what love is. It isn't ignoring such an offer and waiting for her to bring it up again while you continue to do whatever you feel like. Compromise means you give up something as well, and restricting tickling only to lovemaking time isn't that hard a request. The marriage vows you took demand that you at the very least attempt to meet her halfway on this. If you'd rather persist in tickling her against her will until she cries again, or looking for outside opportunities to indulge yourself, then I wouldn't blame her in the slightest if she decided to leave you.

Harsh? Judgemental? Maybe so. But I was in love only once, five years ago. I made the difficult decision to stand aside and let her be with another man who could provide for her and her children far better than I ever could, because her happiness was the most important thing in the world to me. I understood that being in a relationship was a responsibility and a privilege, not an entitlement. Few things enrage me more than people who can't recognize this. I often feel like a starving man watching other people throw away gourmet meals because they didn't like the plates they were served on.

You may have found this advice painful, but it's often just as painful to set a broken bone if you want it to heal properly. Your tickling obsession is causing a rift in your marriage, small right now, but you've got to take some difficult steps in order to prevent a major fracture. It all comes done to Yes-or-No questions. Do you love your wife or not? Are you willing to do what is necessary to keep your marriage whole? Is your sex drive really more important to you than your wife's happiness? Like it or not, the decision really is that simple.

 

[Myriads]

Hello ler4life,

Welcome to the forum, and I'm pleased to hear that you are enjoying the site. Thanks for joining.

As to advice I think the above members have summed things up very well. I second all the advice they give. I'll add that it seems that your wife is a very understanding woman, and she is committed to making your relationship work, and having open communication with you.

That is a great strength. You are going to need to talk. and Be open and honest. That you were massivly embarrassed, What you like, why you like, how it makes you feel, and most importantly, why you want to tickle her, and not others... For the same reason you want to only sleep with her and not others... she's your wife and you love her and her alone.

It will be a long time if ever that you will get to tie her up and tickle her. But based on what she said there is room for growth. Just be open and honest and I think you'll make progress.

Myriads

 

[ler4life]

Thanks guys.. MadKalnod, I especially like your advice. I don't take it as harsh, but as the honest truth. Everything you said makes perfect sense and is true.

My wife and I do have a wonderful relationship. I may have made it sound like I torture her more than I really do. I have learned not to push it too far and have been practicing more self-control when it comes to tickling. I guess that tickling is just something I seem to never take off my mind, and sometimes I wish I could. As much as I love tickling, sometimes I wish I could just get knocked on the head and have amnesia for tickling only.. I'd never know what I was missing then. Don't let me sound depressed or anything here though... I am definitely not a depressed person. I just wanted to hear what some of you had to say about my situation, and it was good... I heard what I expected to hear. Now I plan to think about everything you told me, MadKalnod, everytime I get the urge to tickle her.. and anything else I might do where I tend to think of myself before my wife. Thanks again everyone.

 

[Sandrock74]

I normally don't give advice BUT....

This once I feel I should. I had a similar situation to you ler4life. I fell in love with a wonderful 27 year old woman. Cute, caring, responsible and funny (and yes she's ticklish). I wanted to be with her for MANY reasons!
About two months after we began dating exclusively, I summoned up the courage to tell her of my love of tickling and how I would love to tickle her. I explained how I can tickle for fun (innocent) or for sexual reasons (not so innocent). I told her about the TMF here and the existence of tickle videos, etc. I explained to her how the quick tickles I would give her were actually signs of affection from me.
Needless to say, that was a lot for her (or anyone) to digest in one sitting when they never knew that tickling was viewed that way! To say she was confused would be putting it mildly! 😕 She then asked me about tickling, why I liked it, people really watch women (or men) getting tickled in videos, people LIKE to be tickled, etc. All of them legitimate questions!
I answered all of them to the best of my ability and she then told me she was NOT to be tickled as she HATES to be tickled!
Obviously, not the answer I was wanting to hear. BUT, she said she would tickle me whenever I would want her to. Being a tickler by nature, that still wasn't what I wanted to hear but I felt that one takes what one can get.
Over the next several months, she spent time tickling me and asking me questions about tickling. She was getting more comfortable with it, LEARNING ABOUT IT!
This brings us to more recent times. She hasn't wanted to look at anything online (although she knows of it's existense). However, she asked me if she could watch a tickle video with me! She is aware she will be watching a woman being tickled but shes curious to see it done! Now I have to select a "proper" video. I don't want to show her one with nude chicks in it (a turn off for her), so I have to choose wisely.....
She also told me that I could tickle other women, just not her. This was as long as she got to "reap the benefits" for herself. Upon further consideration, she then decided that she wanted to be present for any/all ticklings. 😀
I think whats happening is that while she still does not like to be TICKLED, she is finding TICKLING to be fun or interesting. I know when she tickles me, she always has a big smile plastered on her face!
I guess the moral of the story is this:
She will NEVER like or understand tickling if you don't discuss it with her in a mature manner. Give and take is the key. I also like feet and she gladly accepts foot massages and peticures (and sneaky tickles) while she learns more about tickling.....
I don't usually post long wimded or preachy things but this grabbed my attention. Follow my example and I bet you won't be unhappy with the results! Personally, I feel that it's only a matter of time before we watch tickle videos together and maybe even tickle a girl or two together as well........and if I'm lucky, she may even let me tickle her as well!

 

[P50]

Ler4Life, One Sentence

Hey ler4life,

I have this suggestion;

Try to compose one sentence in your mind that will start the conversation. The sentence must be clear; it must be structured in an orderly manner (like your highschool English teacher would approve); and it must be simple.

All three elements (clear, orderly, simple) are equally important.

At the proper time, speak that sentence to her. "The proper time" is something that you will decide. (Nobody here even barely knows her.) Perhaps the women reading here could offer useful suggestions.

Suggestions on the possible sentence could be...


Suggestion # 1

"I am sad that you hate the one thing that could change so much in my life with you."

or...

"....so much in our life together..."


Suggestion # 2

"I am so very hungry [or empty] and at the same time I hate hurting you."



Suggestion # 3

"If you could allow one thing, it would completely change me as a man."


Suggestion # 4

"Please talk to me about tickling."


Suggestion # 5

"Is there any way that I could tickle you so that you don't hate it as you're always telling me ?"


Suggestion # 6

"I don't fully understand it all, but tickling is a part of me that I need to experience with you."


(Women who are members here: help this guy with some suggested sentence wording.)

 

[ler4life]

Thanks for all the advice...

Keep it coming! I would like to hear what some of the female tickling community has to say. It's going to be tough indeed.. I still feel very insecure about talking about tickling with someone who does not understand it. She is my wife, and I should be able to talk to her about anything though.. and this is the only thing I have trouble with. I do plan on talking to her about it, I just have to find the right time and the right way to bring it up. Thanks again everyone.

 

[MadKalnod]

Glad to be of service, Ler4life.

I'd advise against using P50's Suggestions #1 and #3. First, they make it sound like it's her that's holding things up, and that isn't the casesince she offered the compromise first. Nobody likes to be guilt-tripped into accepting something. Secondly, it sounds like it's attaching an undue importance to satisfying his fetish, as if this one area outweighs everything else. Sounding obsessive is rarely a successful persuasion technique. #2 treads dangerously close to this as well. Don't ever sound like the fetish is the center of your life (and I certainly hope that isn't the case), because you'll only appear creepy to her. Don't ever say that this will "change you", because the key to persuading her not to reject this is helping her to see that it's just another facet of the person she already loves. I like to use the analogy of being the same sundae she ordered, only with an extra surprise topping.

#6 is a better approach. In the same position, I would have told her that to me, tickling is a method of expressing love and affection that just comes instinctively to me, and that sometimes I can't help myself because she's just so beautiful when she laughs. However, that's me being honest. If saying that would be just a line in your case, don't say it. Total honesty is of paramount importance in this situation.

#4 seems a little blunt, but if she traditionally respects the direct approach, I wouldn't rule it out as an option. Again, phrasing it as a request rather than a command goes a long way towards acceptance.

My recommendation is for #5. Ask how you can make it mutually enjoyable. Ask what you can do to please her. Show that you are concerned about her feelings in this too. I've never met a woman who didn't appreciate being asked about her preferences in the situation. By her offer to permit tickling during lovemaking, she's proved that she's willing to give you a chance. Now, you have to return the favor by ensuring that she isn't just giving without reciprocation. I also recommend asking if there are any non-tickling things she would enjoy while lovemaking, and do them for her. If you want to tickle her, wearing a silly costume or kissing her in an unusual location is practically no price to pay.

 

[smiley_orchid]

one thing is that she is your wife. you two will (hopefully) be together for the rest of your lives. there will be no on else. no one. just the two of you. one of those little perks of being married (so i hope, anyway! ) is that you two will get to experience everything together, and in this case, sexually. and if you are so addicted to tickling (hmmm... if you aren't, i wonder why you're here! 🙂 ) it's going to be hard to life the rest of your life without it. as for the other side of the coin (her side) it's tough knowing that the person you love wants something so strongly and you aren't able to give it to them. granted, she could give it to you, but it her major discomfort. i know that she doesn't want anything more than to be able to give herself to you like that. so patience is in order for both of you.
i definately think that you need to talk to her again, like everyone else said. and like i said before, she's your wife. you can't be embarrassed around her anymore, so talk talk talk!!! let her tickle top you. or maybe try those little gentle tickles that are oh-so-relaxing! (ok, relaxing for me, but being a ticklephile... but anyway) those gentle tickles, like gentle slowly sweeping your fingertips on the inside of her arm. when she's laying on her stomach, do the same thing to her back. non of that mean 'ol boyfriend bullying stuff.
hmmm.... this post probably isn't much help. ok! listen to what everyone else said, they have good advice. 🙂

 

[P50]

Ler4Life,

Ler4Life,

Take any of my suggestions or take none of them. I think you know that all suggestions were just that; to spark whatever might be good in your mind with your wife with your situation. A public tip of the hat and thanks to others who have offered pro and con on them. (Women ! Where are you ? Your suggestions are conspicuously scarce.)

I'm essentially having to play absentee-mind-reader here, so if I'm missing the mark, ignore this post; otherwise,,,,,,,,

I'm guessing that the very act of talking about this has a nearly paralyzing grip on your emotional state; i.e., it's easy to agree here in the TMF that you need to talk about it (and you can <I>say</I> "yeah, I need to talk to her about this") but then when it comes time for the words to actually come out of your mouth, <I>then</I> the big brain-freeze takes over and <I>you shut up</I> !

(Again, if I'm wrong, skip this post, else read more.) Is this correct ? Do you go into an instant emotional contraction thinking about just asking her about this ? Is there a silent force involved ? Do you feel it as if it were gently sqeezing your windpipe and contracting your stomach at the same time ? Can you tell a change in your blood pressure ? Your heartrate ? Your breathing ? Do you feel like there's something actually active in the top and/or back section of your brain ?

If this is the case, then what I'm suggesting is for you to decide whatever sentence you think really fits best, and practice that one sentence.

Practice whispering it to yourself in the shower. Practice speaking it out lound with your face pressed into the sofa cushion. Practice saying it while you're lifting weights. Practice it while doing laundry. Practice it while cutting the grass (the lawn mower will cover you with its loud noise).

Get that one sentence into your head, so many times that you can't count them.

Prepare yourself as well as you can in psychological terms. Go through it in your mind as best you can.

Ler4Life, getting that one sentence out of your mouth and into her ears will make such a difference in your life together that you won't believe it. Once again, the timing (and this means getting it right according to <I>her</I> timing) is critical. You get her at the right time, and get the one correct sentence out of your mouth (Women, we need your input here) with the right attitude, and I can almost promise you that your wife will do things and say things that will, well, let's just see what happens.

If the event scares you (as I suspect it does) then so much the better. She will understand it perfectly.

I'm afraid this post is too long, so I'll end it just as soon as I tag on this last request for the women here to please offer some direction and suggestion to Ler4Lfe. Please add your input.

 

[Sunriseticklee]

Re: Ler4Life,

Ler4Life,

Take any of my suggestions or take none of them. I think you know that all suggestions were just that; to spark whatever might be good in your mind with your wife with your situation. A public tip of the hat and thanks to others who have offered pro and con on them. (Women ! Where are you ? Your suggestions are conspicuously scarce.)

I'm essentially having to play absentee-mind-reader here, so if I'm missing the mark, ignore this post; otherwise,,,,,,,,

I'm guessing that the very act of talking about this has a nearly paralyzing grip on your emotional state; i.e., it's easy to agree here in the TMF that you need to talk about it (and you can <I>say</I> "yeah, I need to talk to her about this") but then when it comes time for the words to actually come out of your mouth, <I>then</I> the big brain-freeze takes over and <I>you shut up</I> !

I wasn't going to post to this thread mainly because MadKalnod summed up EVERY single point I was intending to make very nicely... 😀

And I have to say that I agree with the advice MadKalnod gave in both of his posts.

Communication is the key... to this we all agree.

HOWEVER! In dealing with (not just women) but HUMANS in general.... communication is not nearly enough. It is HOW you say things that will effect the way your words are perceived. And Ler4Life, you definitely do not want to say anything that will cause a greater rift in your relationship.

Frankly, if a guy said #1, #2, or #3 to me, he would get a smart ass comment back and it would ultimately lead into an arguement that I would eventually win. HEEHEEHEE 😛

6 is absolutely wonderful! 🙂

My advice is something that I remember from one of many communication courses I took in school..... When you are discussing something that has gone on between you and someone you are close to.... And feelings are involved... Don't place the word YOU in front of a negative statement.

For example:

Not so hot sentence:

I am hurt because YOU are not very accepting of my tickling fetish.

A little better:

I am hurting because I do not know how to share my love for tickling with you.

Not so hot sentence:

Why can't you understand that I love tickling!

A little better:

I feel that I may not have explained my love for tickling well. Can we please talk about it again. 🙂

It will keep her from getting on the defensive.
After all... SHE can't make YOU feel anything. (emotionally that is) We are all creations of choice... and you may choose to feel a certain way as a result of the tone or atmosphere of your surroundings, but no one can FORCE you to feel happy, sad, hurt, angry, etc.. But that doesn't mean that what we feel should be ignored or seen as not important. Communicate your feelings with her in such a way that will make her feel more comfortable with discussing it with you.

And you need to choose to respect her wishes and NOT tickle her when she clearly states that she doesn't want to be tickled, or she will grow to hate it even more and she may even grow to resent you.

Even though she hates tickling... she loves you! Do you love her? She loves you enough to let you do tickle her during your most intimate moments. You have to accept and respect that... shoot! Embrace the opportunity! That is compromise.... That is LOVE!

Communicate!
Sunriseticklee

 

[TickleCrazy]

Input from a woman

ler4life,

Here's input from a woman. I agree with MadKalnod's advice, especially: "DO NOT attempt to find another woman to tickle." I have kept my tickle fetish a secret all my life. I believe that keeping my marriage good is a higher priority than satisfying a lust of my own that my husband does not share. When the circumstances were just right and I felt strong I finally shared my passion with my husband. With years already invested in each other as a sexual couple, as parents, as friends, he was secure in the knowledge that our partnership was in no way threatened by the news.

There is nothing I can do to make my husband passionate about tying me up or being a tickler. However, since we've been exploring it, he finds the sexuality it brings out in me to be a major turn-on for him. Similarly, there is nothing you can do to make your wife like to be a 'lee. But maybe she can awaken in herself an appetite for being in control of your arousal. You said:

Then she said, "Maybe we can make tickling a part of our love-life, but do it ONLY before we make love"

Well, see if you can get that going. Hmmm... things to say that a woman wants to hear...

I agree with SunriseTicklee that P50's suggestion #6 is good. Also, maybe say to your wife things like:

"I get so hot when I touch you this way and you move like that... "
"you're so beautiful and sexy under my tickling caress... "
"you have this amazing erotic power over me..."

I sincerely hope both you and your wife can get your needs met.

 

[TicklingDuo]

Then she said, "Maybe we can make tickling a part of our love-life, but do it ONLY before we make love".... I was extremely happy, but tried not to show it... I'm so stupid b/c I should have just told her that I would like that... instead I acted like I just wanted her to forget about the whole thing and acted like I hated myself... it got me nowhere b/c she has never mentioned it again, and she still gets very mad when I tickle her.

Welcome to the gang! You aren't alone in this situation. I've spoken with LOTS of guys who are dealing with it. It sounds as if the answer is present in what you wrote. I'd ask her if she remembers that conversation, which she likely will. Ask her if she's serious about what she said. But, make it clear that you want to please her as well as yourself. There's give and take in any relationship. It sounds like she's willing to negotiate the matter. Take her up on it.

Ann