my first christmas in 2 years being single and alone.....

[vmandude1]

2 years ago in october my mother died.....2 years ago in march i got together with a girl who would forever change my life.....and 2 years later the little bit of happiness i had is gone, and im wondering what the fuck happened, and how everything went wrong.

my mother died
my girl cheated on me countless times and played more head games with me then i care to try to count
iv gone through 2 vehicles and am forced to ride a bicycle 4 miles to work every day in the cold

this leads me to the holiday season. supposedly a time to be happy and close with your loved ones....and to that i say....WHAT loved ones?

my uncle is an ass
my dad is a dick
i alienated my family in TN 2 years ago when i lived there for a month and a half
my friends have their own lives to worry about.....i barely get to see them anymore.

now, this past year has argueably been both my best, and worst, year.
for the first time ever, iv had a job regularly and am making money and getting a check every 2 weeks. however this is not enuff to live on, unfortunately, so iv had to room with my father and uncle, previously my friends rob and jacob, who like i said i dont get to see too often anymore.
im happy that iv had a job all this time, but i dont have the vehicle i so desperately want, and i dont have the love i so desperately need. im 22 years old, and im a virgin. i dont know how to dance and am very very self concious, so going to a club/bar and trying to dance with random women and enjoy life that way is out of the question.
i was recently subjected to one of the most awkward moments iv ever lived through, to the point when i got home after i wanted to cry. i had 3 beautiful, adorable women whom i work with dancing up on me, and i froze. i didnt know what to do, and everyone was watching me, i was terrified and embarressed, even though their only intention was to make me loosen up and have some fun, it did the exact opposite, and made me clam up even worse. i want to lose my virginity, but i want to lose it to somebody i love. love seems to be impossible to find now, but i refuse to go to some random hooker on the streets. i cant even begin anything extremely sexual in nature like a raunchy dance without the virgin fear setting in. its like " iv got a nice ass dancing on me, what the hell do i do now?! "

i dont even know how to end this post with anything more then this. everybody always says it will get better with time. well its only gotten worse with time. i come to this revelation on christmas eve, when i have never felt more alone, in a time that supposed to celebrate togetherness.

 

[Dave2112]

My friend...your story is one told countless times, especially during the holidays. Not everyone can have the "It's a Wonderful Life" version.

Rather than just saying "I hear ya, bro" or something...let me tell you that I can completely empathize. I'm alone for this one (and the past one pretty much as well), and it's funny how so many of the things you said have happened to me at one point or another.

But dude...as trite as this may sound, it gets better. It really does. And, you have mentioned some positives, which is good. Those are what you have to focus on. You're one with life, bro. Revel in that.

Losing your virginity? If you really do stick with what you said and cross that bridge with someone you care for, you'll thank yourself for the wait. That's the small stuff. 🙂

The depression, the feelings of loneliness? Yeah, those are a bit tougher. All I can say is to focus on the positives you mentioned. It can feel bad...trust me, I know. I spent two months dealing without a vehicle while I had to completely rebuild the engine and install a new brake system. During this time, I was trying every day to detox myself off of the painkillers I'd been addicted to for four years. Work was cutting hours. The relationship I had with a submissive who was very dear to me ended as our lives went different ways, my mom got really sick. And to top it off, the holidays suck for me...watching families share their joy while I miss my deceased children.

...it's that "rock bottom" thing. And when it happens around the holidays it's even worse.

But...if you take the time to look, there are a lot of positives, things you can focus on for yourself. Solitude is not always a bad thing. Sometimes, the universe steers you to where you need to be. I am convinced that I had to hit rock bottom before I could even think of moving upward. Now? I'm alone on Xmas, no one to really share anything with. Know what else? I'm 17 days off drugs after a four-year addiction and pulled it off alone. It was a major pain in the ass and more costly than I could easily deal with...but I now got a 17 year old truck that's mechanically brand-freakin' new and good for another 150,000 miles. I got a day off work, some games on TV I can watch with no one bitching about it. I don't gotta "be here by then" or fight traffic or spend the day going crazy trying to fit everything in. I can chill and enjoy the holiday in a customized, personal way. And I got a cool lil' dog who's just gonna be happy to be with me for the day.

Those are the things you gotta focus on, my friend. I know it seems like a Big Shit Sandwich right now, and I wouldn't insult you by saying "I been there" if I hadn't. Take control of the things you can, roll with the things you can't and try and find the joy in the small things most people are too busy or self-absorbed to notice.

I wish you the best, and Merry Christmas from one loner to another! 🙂

 

[QueenBeeBeeMari]

I'm sorry to hear that.You're definitely not alone in being alone (if that makes any sense lol).I hope you find love very soon.
Merry Christmas and best wishes for the New Year!

 

[Smade1]

Christmas seems to be the worst time to be alone as it is the family gathering event in the UK (in the states you have Thanksgiving). I've done the last couple of them alone as the friend I have now goes away to his sisters place (they were re-united after 20 years apart). I don't really have an alternative that I care for so I spend the holiday alone. It doesn't bother me that much now, though.

I can sympathise on the relationship front as I was in a huge rush to loose my virginity and it had to be someone who was important to me. As it turned out I did manage it but because of my pressure on the event it was not the big wonderful thing I was after but at least it happend in my own bedroom (in a house that had been empty for 6 months and was due for demolition a week later). Only worth remembering for the humorous aspect.

Any relationship you enter into is going to be under great stress if you are only worried about this aspect of it and the girl will know. It's easy for me to say as I've been through it but try to keep it in mind. I wouldn't have minded waiting longer like Anthony Perkins if I knew the end result was going to be Victoria Principal (apparently true story - check it out).

I had a very bad run of events some years back - beaten up, lost my job and then my mom and at least there is no way to have this all happen again. It took some time but I got over it. I went into a depressed state for a long while and it did no real good but was how I dealt with it. I'm a stronger person now so even that turned out OK in the end.

I would recommend doing something I wish I had done and set goals for where you want to be and who you want to be with in the next 6 months, 1 year 5 years and 10 years. These need to be written down on paper and looked at each day and worked on and by doing this you will be ahead of 90% of other people who are drifting along. You can make things work out for you if you plan and work at them - something I wish I realised many years ago. You are still young and have the time to make the difference to your life - the longer you leave it the harder it is to do that.


To end on a positive note here's a link to the video of the best train chase sequence ever done

http://www.youtube.com/ watch?v=XUEoLn2NWcM

As usual with youtube the link is broken so copy all the text and edit out the space or load youtube and add the second part.



All the best and have a better 2010 (how far away that seemed when I first read the novel and saw the film).

 

[melanie2]

i'm so sorry....if there is anything i can do let me know..i've lost both parents..and i know how hard it can make the holiday season..