My first try at writing a tickling story

[DarkTribes1]

This is the first part of my new story idea.
Please let me know if you like it and if you would like for me to post more.
As always comments are welcome. Thank you.

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Characters

Back story Luna: Luna is you average 20 year old girl. She is 5'6 and weights 95lbs. She has brown hair. She wears a size 7 shoe. She is not the most popular girl in school but she is not the lowest on the food chain either. She is well known and generally liked until she stands up against Jessica for picking on her friend Lily.

Back story Lily: Lily is a girl who finds herself on the bottom of the food chain in her new school. Her one and only friend is Luna. She is on the small side only being 5'4 and weighing only 86lbs. She is the same age as Luna. She has short black hair and wears a size 5 shoe.

Back story Jessica: Jessica is the most popular girl in school. She is 22 years old. She is 5'10 and weighs 110lbs. She feels that every person in the school is there to serve her. When Luna and Lily embarrass her by standing up to her in school when she picks on Lily, Jessica and her friends decide to teach them a lesson they will never forget. She has long blonde hair and wears a size 10 shoe.

Back story Tiffany: Tiffany is one of Jessica's best friends. She is 22 years old and is in the same grade as Jessica. She is 5'8 and weighs 120lbs. She helps Jessica plan her revenge on Lily and Luna. She has long black hair and wears a size 8 shoe

Back story Susan: Susan is one of Jessica's best friends. She is 22 years old and is in the same grade as Jessica. She is 5'7 and weighs 118lbs. She helps Jessica plan her revenge on Lily and Luna. She has short blonde hair and wears a size 8 shoe.

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Revenge of a Popular Girl Part 1

Jessica: Give me your money you worthless piece of trash.
Lily who was at the center of Jessica's attention had been chosen as today's victim. Jessica had made a habit of picking on at least one girl in school per day.
Lily: No, I have no reason to give you my money.
Lily's defiance infuriated Jessica. Lily was the new girl in school and she had already made enemies with the self proclaimed queen of the school.
Jessica: Because you are new here I will give you a tip. I run this school and everyone in it so when I say to do something you had better do it.
Lily: I don't doubt that you have some people under your thumb but I am not one of them.
Just then two of Jessica's friends walk up.
Tiffany: Hey Jess, What’s going on?
Jessica: This bitch is refusing to give me her money.
Susan: We can make her.
Just as all three girls were starting to close in on Lily her friend Luna shows up.
Luna: Hey Jessica what are you and your lame friends doing trying to pick on somebody three to one? How about even those odds by one?
Jessica: Luna, I would suggest that you back up and mind your own business.
Luna: I am minding my business. When you pick on my friends you make it my business.
Jessica: Two girls in one day. What are the odds of that? I guess I will just have to teach both of you a lesson.
Again Jessica and her friends begin to close in on their prey.
Hey, what is going on out here? Asked a passing teacher.
Jessica: Nothing teacher we were just trying to help the new girl out by showing her around school.
Lily: No she wasn't. She was trying to steal my money.
Is this true Jessica? Asked the teacher.
Jessica: What are you talking about Lily you were trying to pay me for showing you around and being so nice to you?
Luna: You are lying through your teeth Jessica. You and your band of thugs were trying to steal her money and when she refused to hand it over you tried to gang up on her.
Well this can all be solved by checking the school cameras.


After they all went to the office and the tapes were viewed Jessica and her friends were found guilty and suspended for bullying a student. Jessica and her friends were sent home and Lily and Luna were sent to their classes.


Later on that day....... At Jessica's house

Jessica: I can't believe that those bitches got me in trouble.
Susan/Tiffany: Yeah us too.
Jessica: We have to find a way to get them back for this.
Tiffany: I agree they must pay.
Susan: Yeah let's get these little trouble makers.
Jessica: But how? We can't hurt them because then they will just get us in more trouble.
Susan: I have an idea. We can throw them in a pit of mud and record it so we can show it to the people at school to humiliate them.
Jessica: Weren't you just listening I said we couldn't hurt them because we would just get in more trouble.
Just then Jessica started removing her shoes. Then she removed her socks, but as she pulled of her socks one of her finger nails scratched across her sole. Hehehe.
Tiffany: What's so funny Jessica?
Suddenly an idea popped into Jessica's mind.
Jessica: I just got an idea on how we can get back at them without having to hurt them.
Susan/Tiffany: What?
Jessica explained her plan to both of her friends
An evil grin spread across all three of the girls faces as they started to prepare for the revenge.

 

[Smoten]

In all honesty, this story is only in its infancy stage. It might be a good story when it grows up, because what you have right now is an outline for a story; the skeleton of a story's anatomy.

What you need to do is connect the dots.

Introduce your setting and environment, introduce the protagonists, show us their personalities and what relationship they have with the environment they live in. After that, show us the plights they go through and how they go about resolving said plights.

Makes us care about Luna and Lily. Get us emotionally invested in them as characters. Make them believable people. Don't just give us cardboard cut outs reacting to a hypothetical situation. Same thing goes for the antagonists. The more they feel like real people, the more worthwhile it is to read.

Other than that, it's an alright set up. 🙂

 

[Violetta]

To toss in my $0.02, never ever ever ever write a "story" like a script. Make it flow with paragraphs and descriptive sentences in between dialogue that uses actual quotation marks and is worked into the prose.

Also don't rely on "back story" snippets. If you're going to tell us who these people are, do it in the course of the story. Let us discover these characters as we read. Take your time and write something that's looks like it could be published.

 

[Sablesword]

What Smoten and Bella Donna said. This is more of a story idea or story outline.

My own 2 cents would be to post this in the "Writers Workshop" subforum, asking for advice on how to turn it from an idea/outline into a full-blown story.

More generally, my advice (free and maybe even worth it) would be to look at a few stories by two or three or four of your favorite authors and try to distill how they do background, character description, dialog, etc. for your own use.

Note that the authors don't have to be tickle-story authors - the best stories to look at would be those published professionally. The idea is to take techniques from more than one of the best authors available, to combine and distill to create your own personal best, and then to apply that personal best to the subject of tickling.